I really wanted to get mad that Anonymous couldn't leave a name. But, wait, then I remembered. I am anonymous too. I guess I deserve that. The part of the question that stuck out for me was not the part about getting caught, it was the part that asked, once caught, would I be freed or would I have lost. That is an interesting question, one that has rattled around in my head for a long time.
In the end, it really comes back to what I want, or what I think I want. The problem is that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Who the hell really knows what they want?
"Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s."-Baz Luhrman "Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen"The other night, my wife and I were having dinner out at a restaurant. For some reason we starting talking about the past, and the people we used to know. An old friend of mine came up, someone that my wife sort of knew through someone else. I asked if she knew that the guy turned out to be gay, which she didn't. The realization washed over her face, followed by the "that-explains-so-much" face. Then her face went slack, and she was lost in thought. I asked her what was on her mind, and she softly, "That would be you if I hadn't dug my nails in to you."
Her fear is that I am really gay, just pretending to be happy in our marriage. To be honest, I have had that
I have thought, fantasized, many times about what life might have been like had I fallen in love with a man rather than a women. Would I be happier? Would I need to cheat on my man with a women? I don't know. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Then my wife asked, "That would be you if I hadn't dug my nails in to you?", and suddenly I imagine a possible life without her, a life alone.
My wife has always been the more aggressive of the two of us. She knew what she wanted, and she did whatever she had to do to get it. I had a vague idea of what I wanted, and was content to let things just happen as they did. Put the two of us together, and the result is that she gets what she wants. Fortunately, she wanted me. So what would have happened if she hadn't wanted me? Well, I could still be living with my roommates, a dysfunctional pair of women with no real life plans. I could still be working at a fast food restaurant. Chances are, I would be alone. Not because I am not attractive or because I am not the funnest guy to hangout with, but because I was not in the habit of chasing after what I wanted. Hell, just look how long it took to finally go after some sexual contact with a man. The reality is that my wife is responsible for most of the happiness in my life. The possible scenario of living alone and unwanted never really entered my mind until that moment.
Jack Scott recently wrote about the options a bisexual or married gay man have. Clearly, there are lot of nobler guys than I. I don't know if I will continue to seek out extra-marital affairs. I don't know if I will work to include my wife more in that side of myself. I just don't know. But to answer the one question that I started out with in this post, were I caught, would I be freed? Or would I have lost?
The answer is, yes.