Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Something to Talk About

People always tell me, one person in particular, that I should write about whatever, not just about sex.  To be honest, this is something that I've struggled with.  I haven't had any man on man sex lately, so I haven't written a lot for this blog.  I started this blog with one intention, my journal of my ventures crossing the line into sex with men.

Sure, I've got a lot to say.  I'm actually one of those opinionated, know-it-all types, but in a good way.  LOL.  Writing about something other than sex with men, or my thoughts on sex with men, or my looking for sex with men, (what was I going to say?  oh yeah) would change the purpose and tone of my blog.  Obviously it's my blog, and I can do what I want with it.  I just haven't been able to decide if I want it to change.

I could write about politics.  Because, you know, there aren't enough people out there writing about politics.  I know that you all want to hear my liberal, free thinking point of view.  I could write about my causes.  Despite being a mostly closeted, married, bisexual, I am also an avid supporter of the NOH8 campaign.  I've volunteered at a photo shoot in the past, and my own NOH8 photo was plastered all over my Facebook wall.  I could write about religion.  I am not particularly religious, and I don't belong to any denomination.  My thoughts on religion and the universe tend to a bit out there, and I generally look to theories in science for evidence more than I do faith.

I won't write about my family, any more than to say that I have one.  This being a secret blog, I know that giving away details about my wife and family on the Internet would be yet another huge betrayal.  Which means, also, that I won't write about the other half of being bisexual, sex with women, in any detail.  Since my experiences with sex with women are limited to sex with my wife.

I am actually quite proud of this blog, and quite fond of it's readers.  On many occasions I've wanted to share my little bit of success here with the one person whom I share everything, my wife.  I can't, obviously.  And I think that if I started blogging about something other than sex with men, I will have more of an urge to share it with her.  What if this blog turns into a place where I share my thought on life, the universe (or multi-verse) and everything, and it becomes wildly popular.  I'd never get to share it, unless I deleted all my posts up to now and hired a contract killer to take care of my regular readers.  That doesn't seem very reasonable, you think?

I read a great many blogs.  When I come across one where a blogger bears her/her soul, I always feel honored for being allowed to read it.  I bear my soul, just on this one subject only.  Maybe I will start writing about more, I don't know.  Maybe I will just keep complaining about not having a lot to write about, because I know you'll love that.  Maybe I will just go out and find another guy to suck my dick so that we can get back to what's really important!


Thursday, January 19, 2012

Is Honesty the Best Policy?

Mack ask the question, is honesty the best policy?  Jack's last post went into detail on the subject.  I won't pretend to know the answer.  I can only speak to what I have done, and how I feel.

My wife knows me better than anyone else in this world.  Better, despite the secrets that I have confessed to all of you.  She knows that I am bisexual, although that is a relatively new term in our conversations.  She knows that I am attracted to men.  We even lust after some of the same guys.  She is open, non-judgmental, accepting of the whole matter.  So why, after being lucky enough to marry such a wonderful person, would I decide to go about my explorations this way?  Well, it's because of all the other "truths".  It's all of the other things that she knows that I cannot stand the idea of her doubting.  Because knowing that I needed to experience sex with a man will redoubtably cause her to doubt her worth to me.  It would cause the pain that Jack mentioned his wife going through.  And that is undeserved, that is unfair.  This is my burden, not hers.  It doesn't change how much I love her, anything that I have ever said to her, or my commitment to our relationship and our lives.  Except that maybe our relationship is stronger not that I am able to focus more of myself towards it.

That's not to say that I will never tell her.  I consider it often, and all the consequences and ramifications.  I may one day come clean.  I may one day figure out a way to include her in my future explorations, without digging up past ones.  I may quit exploring all together and let that part die.  Who knows?  I only know what I know today.  Many will vehemently disagree that I am doing right, and I cannot argue that I am.  But with two "wrongs" in front of me, I am choosing the least harmful one for now.  I know that coming clean today will cause irreparable harm.  I don't think coming clean would end our marriage, however I don't have the confidence that Jack spoke of before telling him wife.  It would most certainly change our marriage, possibly for the better but most likely for the worst.

Honesty is important to me, as both Mack and Jack have said it is for them.  Despite my deception, I strive to always be honest.  I am not lying to my wife about how much I love her, or about what I want out of life.  I am not lying about how important she is to me, or what I wouldn't do for her, nothing.  These truths are more important to me.  And if I could have resisted the urges I had, I would have.  Ironically, I found that trying to resist those urges was having a much larger effect on our marriage than giving in.

How serendipitous that, just as I was about to post this I see a quote posted by miracleman on Morning Rain Shower.  "The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... I can resist everything but temptation." by Oscar Wilde.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Break's over. I need a blowjob!

It's been a while, in more ways than one.  Last month I wrote about how I'd taken a break from my pursuit of men.  I was no longer constantly browsing on Grindr or Growlr.  I wasn't spending my time searching out that random hookup.  Today that's still true.  I accomplished what I set out to do, so I decided to take step back and enjoy life.  It's been great!  But there's one downside; I'm in need of a nice, long, powerful blowjob like only a man can give.

Thoughts of men aren't running rampant through my mind like they once did.  I spoken before of the pendulum swing my sexuality takes between men and women.  I believed that it was frozen on the men side mostly because men was the one that I hadn't had, couldn't have.  And since I've crossed that line, the pendulum has been allowed to swing back a little ways.  I still think about having sex with men.  Maybe even daily.  But it's not keeping from being productive at work or attentive at home.

Lately, the last few days, I've been dreaming about blowjobs.  Not the kind I get at home, which are pretty good.  But the kind that I've gotten from M, or from the first guy, with just the right amount of suction and motion, that result in a mind-altering orgasm.  So here's my dilemma, do I go back out in search of the random hookup?  Or, how do I go about finding that one guy, the one buddy, that can fulfill my needs on a more regular basis?  I'd once hoped that M would be that guy, but that just didn't seem to work out.