is honesty the best policy? Jack's last post went into detail on the subject. I won't pretend to know the answer. I can only speak to what I have done, and how I feel.
My wife knows me better than anyone else in this world. Better, despite the secrets that I have confessed to all of you. She knows that I am bisexual, although that is a relatively new term in our conversations. She knows that I am attracted to men. We even lust after some of the same guys. She is open, non-judgmental, accepting of the whole matter. So why, after being lucky enough to marry such a wonderful person, would I decide to go about my explorations this way? Well, it's because of all the other "truths". It's all of the other things that she knows that I cannot stand the idea of her doubting. Because knowing that I needed to experience sex with a man will redoubtably cause her to doubt her worth to me. It would cause the pain that Jack mentioned his wife going through. And that is undeserved, that is unfair. This is my burden, not hers. It doesn't change how much I love her, anything that I have ever said to her, or my commitment to our relationship and our lives. Except that maybe our relationship is stronger not that I am able to focus more of myself towards it.
That's not to say that I will never tell her. I consider it often, and all the consequences and ramifications. I may one day come clean. I may one day figure out a way to include her in my future explorations, without digging up past ones. I may quit exploring all together and let that part die. Who knows? I only know what I know today. Many will vehemently disagree that I am doing right, and I cannot argue that I am. But with two "wrongs" in front of me, I am choosing the least harmful one for now. I know that coming clean today will cause irreparable harm. I don't think coming clean would end our marriage, however I don't have the confidence that Jack spoke of before telling him wife. It would most certainly change our marriage, possibly for the better but most likely for the worst.
Honesty is important to me, as both Mack and Jack have said it is for them. Despite my deception, I strive to always be honest. I am not lying to my wife about how much I love her, or about what I want out of life. I am not lying about how important she is to me, or what I wouldn't do for her, nothing. These truths are more important to me. And if I could have resisted the urges I had, I would have. Ironically, I found that trying to resist those urges was having a much larger effect on our marriage than giving in.
How serendipitous that, just as I was about to post this I see a quote posted by miracleman on Morning Rain Shower. "The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... I can resist everything but temptation." by Oscar Wilde.