Thursday, January 19, 2012

Is Honesty the Best Policy?

Mack ask the question, is honesty the best policy?  Jack's last post went into detail on the subject.  I won't pretend to know the answer.  I can only speak to what I have done, and how I feel.

My wife knows me better than anyone else in this world.  Better, despite the secrets that I have confessed to all of you.  She knows that I am bisexual, although that is a relatively new term in our conversations.  She knows that I am attracted to men.  We even lust after some of the same guys.  She is open, non-judgmental, accepting of the whole matter.  So why, after being lucky enough to marry such a wonderful person, would I decide to go about my explorations this way?  Well, it's because of all the other "truths".  It's all of the other things that she knows that I cannot stand the idea of her doubting.  Because knowing that I needed to experience sex with a man will redoubtably cause her to doubt her worth to me.  It would cause the pain that Jack mentioned his wife going through.  And that is undeserved, that is unfair.  This is my burden, not hers.  It doesn't change how much I love her, anything that I have ever said to her, or my commitment to our relationship and our lives.  Except that maybe our relationship is stronger not that I am able to focus more of myself towards it.

That's not to say that I will never tell her.  I consider it often, and all the consequences and ramifications.  I may one day come clean.  I may one day figure out a way to include her in my future explorations, without digging up past ones.  I may quit exploring all together and let that part die.  Who knows?  I only know what I know today.  Many will vehemently disagree that I am doing right, and I cannot argue that I am.  But with two "wrongs" in front of me, I am choosing the least harmful one for now.  I know that coming clean today will cause irreparable harm.  I don't think coming clean would end our marriage, however I don't have the confidence that Jack spoke of before telling him wife.  It would most certainly change our marriage, possibly for the better but most likely for the worst.

Honesty is important to me, as both Mack and Jack have said it is for them.  Despite my deception, I strive to always be honest.  I am not lying to my wife about how much I love her, or about what I want out of life.  I am not lying about how important she is to me, or what I wouldn't do for her, nothing.  These truths are more important to me.  And if I could have resisted the urges I had, I would have.  Ironically, I found that trying to resist those urges was having a much larger effect on our marriage than giving in.

How serendipitous that, just as I was about to post this I see a quote posted by miracleman on Morning Rain Shower.  "The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... I can resist everything but temptation." by Oscar Wilde.


  1. Honesty would be logical in a world where women accepted as normal that their man would go off and play freely and innocently with other men. Unfortunately, we do not yet live in such a world. Hence we have to compromise.

  2. I appreciate so much your commentary, as it says well what so many of us feel about having these two needs, and that not being what our wives have, makes us different. We are men finding the need, the capacity, and the adaptive abilities to imagine and pursue and consumate intimacy with a man, while not having that diminish the intimacy we feel for our wives. And that is very difficult to explain - even to an open minded other mature adult. Having an affair of any kind shakes the faith that the other person you made a commitment to will be there for you and with you in the future.

    There is the danger of falling in love with another adult with whom one has a secret affair, and having that love grow to overshadow the love of one's wife. But this is an adult risk you are willing to now take, because not taking the risk leaves one always wondering and always suppressing and that can do much more damage to your intimate feelings for your wife. It is a paradox, but many blogging men and researchers have found it to be true: Having an affair that meets some needs you cannot find in your marriage, may actually help the marriage.

    This is the conundrum for bisexuals of all kinds - including those that may be headed to finding out they are truly now all gay, but who have built up a strong relationship with a woman they deeply love.

    I am following your path eagerly, and envy you for the ability you have to say what you feel and who you are to your wife. But this is where the "truth" needs to stop for now. And you will have to make your own accommodations to keeping your affairs on the side secret without pain and guilt.

    Good luck

  3. I completely agree with Jayson, Jay. At least for now, keeping your secrets about M and any others from your wife seems to be the right move. I think you're in a good spot. A also think that lots og guys are benefitting from your words and experiences here.


  4. This seems to be a question that gets at a number of us. If only life were so simple. Yet at the same time, both you and Jayson point out that even those things we do in deception can be for a greater benefit. How does that work?

    1. Mack,
      Sit down and map out all of the possible choices and their consequences. It won't be long for anyone to see that the consequences of deception are not the worst possible. I could try to resist the urges. I did that successfully for many years. But the temptation began to consume me. It was on my mind all the time, and I was miserable.
      I could be honest with my wife, and effectively end my marriage. Which would cause great harm to my wife, the one great love of my life.
      My way is dishonest, and violates a promise I made. But it allows for more happiness in both our lives than either of the other two scenarios.

    2. I regularly interact with many straight wives who feel deeply betrayed by their bisexual husband. Of course attitudes vary, but what's amazing to me is how many of these angry women desperately want their marriages to work.

      We men worry about losing what we have by sharing the truth. Well, once the women hear the truth they are even more worried about losing what they have. Most fear a miserable life of being saddled with children, not having enough money, and not being able to find a new partner. From that point of view you can see why so many of them want to make the marriage work. In return, most of them expect their husband to stop all the lying. THAT'S what trips the marriage up. Many men have an inherent inability to be honest about their same sex attractions. This means they'll never be able to provide the level of honesty their wives require to feel secure in the marriage.

      I wonder if many men instinctively know they can't be honest enough and that's why they decide cheating is the only realistic option.

    3. TwoLives, who would want a marriage held together by fear of loss, or fear of change? Those wives, who want to make the marriage work, I hope they want that because they're understanding and in love. Otherwise, the marriage is a sham, regardless if the man is able to start being honest or not.
      I am, and have been, honest about my same sex attractions. It's my actions that I am hiding. Once they're known, I'd be able to live a completely honest life.
      Again, I'm not speaking for any man but myself.

  5. Jay, thanks for your thoughts on "Is Honest the Best Policy."

    I know many people would disagree, but I think you are facing your choices in an honest manner. As you point out you honest love and care for your wife. You also note that you may one day tell her, but you can only speak for each day. That's seems like an honest evaluation to me.

    Thanks again for a great post.

    Jack Scott

    1. Thank you, Jack! And thank you for sharing your thoughts. They have been very helpful for me.


  6. Honesty is not always the best policy. And you've just explained that very eloquently.

  7. But if for some reason, some way, somehow she discovers the truth, wont you have damaged, perhaps irreparably , her trust in you? Once trust is violated it can be very difficult to regain. If you are honest you have the advantage of being able to control the message. If she discovers this on her own, all the goodwill you have gained by your initial honesty will have been wasted.

    1. Ron, yes, you are exactly right. And I am fully aware of that. I still feel it's the lesser of two evils.

  8. I have relevant experience to add.

    I denied my bisexuality and got married to a woman I loved. We had 2 kids. After about seven years of marriage, I became progressively more tense and irritable. Then then along came the internet and all those hot pictures! Desire rose, as did my depression and irritability. One day opportunity showed me my desire (his cock). Temptation won. Over next three years I met up with this guy a few times. After moving, I decided to find another FWB - this one in same situation as me. We met weekly for a few months. He fell for me, and I a bit for him. I was very happy . Elated actually. Wife was jealous of my new buddy (we went to the gym, rode bikes, and had "lunch" together. Then, things went bad - he decided to tell our wives! i had to cover up a lot of crap and I barely got away with it. Wife was suspicious but I managed to smooth things over without letting on to my true self.

    Feelings diminished for a few years, but they came back (always do). I met up with another guy - out of town. Wife found my tracks and called me out on it. I confessed.

    We went through counseling and lots of work to keep the marriage together. I am still married seven years later and I have not strayed again. But I am irritable and not very happy. I keep busy (master;s degree, work too much, etc.). We still have sex on occasion, but mostly at here initiation. She wants more, I couldn't care less. She says I earned her trust back to some level, but it's not really true. Mis-trust permeates everything I do. I have to check in constantly. My computer faces hers so she can read over my shoulder. I read these blogs at work, but that's about it.

    I want to leave, but I don't want to devastate her. I love her, but I'm not in love. How can you love someone that doesn't trust you?

    With a teenage daughter, now is not the time to leave. My kids are more important than my sex life. On the flip side, how good of a dad am I being when I work to much and do homework for school?

    Life is complicated. There is no good answer, only choices of the least evil. If you do ever confess or get caught. Own it. Leave. I do not recommend staying. Of course, that is my wife. Your mileage may vary;-)

    Good luck to all.


    1. I hope life gets better for you. I'm Married, two kids and kinda in the same boat. I've never acted on my desires. I'm too chicken shit to try to connect with a guy. The closest I get to a hot guy is going for a massage with a release. Does they make me bi or gay???? I don't know; but I wish you good luck.

  9. NOTE TO READERS OF MORNING RAIN SHOWER: Blogger has struck again. Miracleman's wonderful blog has been pulled down. It was most likely due to their fucked up anti-spam algorithms. MM just wanted you to know what happened. Hopefully, it will be back up soon. Like Scott, he's getting help from Jeff @ "Google Blogger Closes Gay Blogs" which performs a great service.

  10. UPDATE: for once Blogger realized it had made a mistake and MRS is now back up. thank you jay for allowing me to notify folks on BCTL. Miss you buddy!

  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  12. As the wife of a bisexual man, I would like to share with you that I thought your post was beautiful. I knew my husband was bisexual before we moved in together and I know of all his friends. They also know about me and how open he is with me. But that is the way we have chosen to be. I will not lie and say there aren't times when I wish I didn't know about them. It would be easier for me - but he would feel that he was cheating and that is not something he can deal with. I think and truly believe that it is incredibly difficult for him to be married to a straight woman. I know at times he asks me if I am sure I am not bisexual - I think it would be easier for him. Then I would have a sexual interest outside of our marriage as well. For me it is simple, as long as I feel desired and loved then I am happy.

  13. So Jay,

    It's been months. Almost half a year. You last posted in winter and now it's almost summer (for those of us with 4 seasons. )

    I followed your blog because you were on the threshold/crossed the threshold of hooking up with other guys, and I remember that time in my life well.

    I continued through that doorway, and I am headed down the corridor, but am curious about your situation.

    Have you turned back?

    Did you satisfy your curiosity? Did you return to the life you knew before? That of course would be the smart thing to do. Too bad that Penises are almost never as smart as they should be, and lead their owners down the path of shouldn't haves.

    Okay, so I'm a little drunk and going through old posts and blogs, but you my friend, were one of the truly interesting blogs out there, and I'm wondering what happened to you.

    Feel free to hit me back on an e-mail, as I probably won't visit this blog again unless you post a new entry, or I get drunk again and re-visit old friends.

  14. good question. I would say that it "depends". Depends mainly on the woman and what she's like as a person