Friday, January 31, 2014


I figured, why the hell not. I'll give this a try.


1. What's the most creative lie you've ever told?
When I was younger I went to summer camp. I was part of the group that went hiking through the mountains, so our group was pretty segregated throughout the week. I came up with this elaborate story about how I had run away from home and jumped on the bus to camp. That my parents had no idea where I was, and that they probably didn't care. I went on to say that my Mom's boyfriend was a dick, and just simply didn't want to be around him any more.

2. What lie do you wish you could take back?
That one, I looked pretty stupid when we go back to the main campground later and the week, and my little sister said hi as she walked by.

3. How long could you go without lying? Even a white lie.
Depends on whether you include the lie-of-omission. If yes, not very long. Lying sucks, and I do my best to avoid it at all costs. Even in my extra-curricular activities, I arrange things in a way so that the question never gets asked. So that I don't have to explain where I was, or what I was doing. Outside of my extra-curricular activities, when the truth hurts and I don't have to say it, I don't. But when I have to say it, it's better to say the truth than to lie.

4. Are you more honest when you comment anonymously?
Depends on what I am commenting about. My blog is anonymous, and I am more honest about that aspect of my life. But I would rarely make any anonymous comments on other things that I wouldn't be willing to put my name on.

5. Does the truth hurt?
Yes, the truth can hurt. It can also be liberating. In almost all situations, the truth is better than the lie.

6. What was the worst thing that happened to you because of a lie?
I lost my High School girl friend because of a lie that she told herself.

7. Who do you lie to the most - yourself or others?
For most of my life, myself. These days I would say that I am more honest with myself than others.

8. Is there a difference between a secret and a lie?
Yes, because that's the lie I tell myself.

9. Truth or Dare?

10. Does the mirror never lie?
The mirror lies all the time! I know what I see in the mirror is way worse than what others see.

11. Does the mirror have two faces?
The mirror has many faces, all reflective of context and attitude.

12. How old are you?
Today I am 37.

13. How much do you weigh?

Is it really that big? Are you really vers? Just how old is that pic?

It's not really THAT big, but I never proclaimed it to be. I'm am vers in that I am still open to figure out what I truly enjoy. Sadly, I am not brave enough to post any pics of myself on my blog. The pic I use on hookup apps is 2 or 3 years old.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Married / Once-married

Despite my lack of respect to the blogging community with my complete lack of posts since last August, my blog still manages to get visitors.  Even more so in the last few weeks. I may have been silent, but I am always present.  Reading other blogs and pouring through hundreds of photos is always easier than writing a post of my own.  I have written a few posts in the last couple of months, but have failed to complete one, or even write enough that I felt it worthy of posting.  As always, I am honored to be a part of this community.

I did something last night that kind of surprised me.  No, it wasn't a random hookup, though I've been thinking about doing that again more and more.  I came across an ad, or an article, I can't remember which, that talked about a men's support group for married and once-married men, who are attracted to men.  I was intrigued. This was a couple of weeks ago, and I was thinking about going.  It just so happens that I had a work event in that same city last night, which ended just before this group was the meet.  I had a perfectly good opportunity, being that I was already going to be out for the evening so I wouldn't have to make up a story.  I still wasn't sure what I would do, until I was driving away from the previous event.

For those of you who read about my first encounter and what lead up to it, you know how much of a nervous wreck I can be.  I thought I would react the same way going to this group.  But it wasn't at all that bad.  I felt relatively comfortable parking, walking up and into the building, asking for directions to the right room, walking in and sitting down.

I really enjoyed the group.  I sat and listened for two hours as 10-12 guys told a little bit of there story, ranging from divorced and fully out to their friends and family, to, like me, married and hiding.  A variety of ages, nationalities, cultures.  All with one thing in common, they all are or were married to women and they all identify as gay or bi.  And, interestingly, all of them had children.  They were very warm and welcoming, and I felt no pressure to say anything.

I would like to go back.  The group in itself is perfectly harmless.  I could, if I wanted to, tell my wife about the group and "ask permission" to attend each week.  As many of you know, my wife is aware of my various sexual attractions. I believe that should would support me in having a place to talk about all of this.  But I don't know if I am going to do that.  I certainly could not come up with a plausible excuse to go every week. Maybe once of month or so.  I do want to continue to attend, they were a great group of guys and I could certainly use the support and advice of those who have been, or are, in my situation.

Over the last couple of months, I guess for all of 2013, I have been vacillating on whether I would continue my extra curricular activities or would I play it straight from now on.  I have tried to be as honest with myself as I could.  I know full well that these feelings are not gonna just go away.  If I decided to abstain, eventually the urges would overcome my better senses.  At the same time, my extra curricular activities are just that, extra.  They have very little impact on my life as a whole, with the exception of putting my life as it is at risk. There are days where I become convinced that I do not need men anymore.  That I have set out to do what I needed to do, and now that I've had the experience my life can go back to normal. Then there are days where I am cruising Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, Squirt and Craiglist; simultaneously.  On those days, it's a wonder what has kept me from stepping out.  Probably a lack of real opportunity.

That's my update for now.  I sincerely hope that everyone had a great New Year's and here's to a brand new year, 2014.

As I wrote this, I realized that of all the people and groups I interacted with in my life, this group has the greatest likelihood to have read my blog.  If they read this now, they will obviously figure out who I am and what I am talking about.  Hmm... awkward.  Well, I guess it could save me a whole lot of talking in the next group.  ;)