Friday, January 10, 2014

Married / Once-married

Despite my lack of respect to the blogging community with my complete lack of posts since last August, my blog still manages to get visitors.  Even more so in the last few weeks. I may have been silent, but I am always present.  Reading other blogs and pouring through hundreds of photos is always easier than writing a post of my own.  I have written a few posts in the last couple of months, but have failed to complete one, or even write enough that I felt it worthy of posting.  As always, I am honored to be a part of this community.

I did something last night that kind of surprised me.  No, it wasn't a random hookup, though I've been thinking about doing that again more and more.  I came across an ad, or an article, I can't remember which, that talked about a men's support group for married and once-married men, who are attracted to men.  I was intrigued. This was a couple of weeks ago, and I was thinking about going.  It just so happens that I had a work event in that same city last night, which ended just before this group was the meet.  I had a perfectly good opportunity, being that I was already going to be out for the evening so I wouldn't have to make up a story.  I still wasn't sure what I would do, until I was driving away from the previous event.

For those of you who read about my first encounter and what lead up to it, you know how much of a nervous wreck I can be.  I thought I would react the same way going to this group.  But it wasn't at all that bad.  I felt relatively comfortable parking, walking up and into the building, asking for directions to the right room, walking in and sitting down.

I really enjoyed the group.  I sat and listened for two hours as 10-12 guys told a little bit of there story, ranging from divorced and fully out to their friends and family, to, like me, married and hiding.  A variety of ages, nationalities, cultures.  All with one thing in common, they all are or were married to women and they all identify as gay or bi.  And, interestingly, all of them had children.  They were very warm and welcoming, and I felt no pressure to say anything.

I would like to go back.  The group in itself is perfectly harmless.  I could, if I wanted to, tell my wife about the group and "ask permission" to attend each week.  As many of you know, my wife is aware of my various sexual attractions. I believe that should would support me in having a place to talk about all of this.  But I don't know if I am going to do that.  I certainly could not come up with a plausible excuse to go every week. Maybe once of month or so.  I do want to continue to attend, they were a great group of guys and I could certainly use the support and advice of those who have been, or are, in my situation.

Over the last couple of months, I guess for all of 2013, I have been vacillating on whether I would continue my extra curricular activities or would I play it straight from now on.  I have tried to be as honest with myself as I could.  I know full well that these feelings are not gonna just go away.  If I decided to abstain, eventually the urges would overcome my better senses.  At the same time, my extra curricular activities are just that, extra.  They have very little impact on my life as a whole, with the exception of putting my life as it is at risk. There are days where I become convinced that I do not need men anymore.  That I have set out to do what I needed to do, and now that I've had the experience my life can go back to normal. Then there are days where I am cruising Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, Squirt and Craiglist; simultaneously.  On those days, it's a wonder what has kept me from stepping out.  Probably a lack of real opportunity.

That's my update for now.  I sincerely hope that everyone had a great New Year's and here's to a brand new year, 2014.

As I wrote this, I realized that of all the people and groups I interacted with in my life, this group has the greatest likelihood to have read my blog.  If they read this now, they will obviously figure out who I am and what I am talking about.  Hmm... awkward.  Well, I guess it could save me a whole lot of talking in the next group.  ;)


  1. Sounds like a nice outlet for you to express your feelings. I would go.

  2. Thanks for the update. I know you may not think it blog worthy or exciting but even talking about the struggle lets us readers know how our brothers of the blogosphere are feeling, I hope you continue sharing on your blog as well as with your new group.

  3. I went to a gay fathers' group in the Boston area and found it amazingly helpful. Just the ability to voice some of my thoughts in a room with guys who "got it" and were not trying to persuade me of anything. And to hear their stories -- all sorts -- and find parts that made sense for me, and some that didn't. Good for you to find this support.