Sunday, August 25, 2013

Free? Or, Lost?

Anonymous writes, "But even the most carefully maintained secrets have a way of coming out especially in this digital age. Have you really examined what you'd do if they did? Would you be free to be who you truly are or would you have lost something that can't easily be replaced?"

I really wanted to get mad that Anonymous couldn't leave a name.  But, wait, then I remembered.  I am anonymous too.  I guess I deserve that.  The part of the question that stuck out for me was not the part about getting caught, it was the part that asked, once caught, would I be freed or would I have lost.  That is an interesting question, one that has rattled around in my head for a long time.

In the end, it really comes back to what I want, or what I think I want.  The problem is that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  Who the hell really knows what they want?
"Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s."-Baz Luhrman "Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen" 
The other night, my wife and I were having dinner out at a restaurant.  For some reason we starting talking about the past, and the people we used to know.  An old friend of mine came up, someone that my wife sort of knew through someone else.  I asked if she knew that the guy turned out to be gay, which she didn't.  The realization washed over her face, followed by the "that-explains-so-much" face.  Then her face went slack, and she was lost in thought.  I asked her what was on her mind, and she softly, "That would be you if I hadn't dug my nails in to you."

Her fear is that I am really gay, just pretending to be happy in our marriage.  To be honest, I have had that
same fear many times.  I've spoken about the pendulum, that at times it swing way over to the gay side of the spectrum, and at others it is on the straight side. On this blog, I am reaffirmed by bisexuality time and time again, stating that I love my wife and wouldn't have it any other way.  Again, to be honest, that is not always the case.

I have thought, fantasized, many times about what life might have been like had I fallen in love with a man rather than a women.  Would I be happier?  Would I need to cheat on my man with a women?  I don't know.  The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  Then my wife asked, "That would be you if I hadn't dug my nails in to you?", and suddenly I imagine a possible life without her, a life alone.

My wife has always been the more aggressive of the two of us.  She knew what she wanted, and she did whatever she had to do to get it.  I had a vague idea of what I wanted, and was content to let things just happen as they did.  Put the two of us together, and the result is that she gets what she wants.  Fortunately, she wanted me.  So what would have happened if she hadn't wanted me?  Well, I could still be living with my roommates, a dysfunctional pair of women with no real life plans.  I could still be working at a fast food restaurant.  Chances are, I would be alone.  Not because I am not attractive or because I am not the funnest guy to hangout with, but because I was not in the habit of chasing after what I wanted.  Hell, just look how long it took to finally go after some sexual contact with a man.  The reality is that my wife is responsible for most of the happiness in my life.  The possible scenario of living alone and unwanted never really entered my mind until that moment.

Jack Scott recently wrote about the options a bisexual or married gay man have.  Clearly, there are lot of nobler guys than I.  I don't know if I will continue to seek out extra-marital affairs.  I don't know if I will work to include my wife more in that side of myself.  I just don't know.  But to answer the one question that I started out with in this post, were I caught, would I be freed? Or would I have lost?

The answer is, yes.


  1. What an interesting and thoughtful post. I want to give my two cents worth, because you asked an interesting question:

    "what life might have been like had I fallen in love with a man rather than a women. Would I be happier? Would I need to cheat on my man with a women?"

    I'm guessing you might have needed to cheat on your man, with another man.

    I'm on the DL, and so I hook up with a lot of other guys on the DL. Some are married to women, but many are gay guys with husbros or boyfriends or what ever. It seems to be so common it's practically acceptable.

    It really doesn't bother me, but wondering how it affects someone in a committed relationship, that they fuck around on the side, and suspect that their partners do too.

    1. Interesting point. I have always maintained that my fucking around has been the result of not getting something I desperately needed at home. (Somehow, in ways I can't explain, that makes me better than all the rest) But thinking about it, I am not convinced that monogamy is really within our nature. Maybe, monogamy is a societal construct along with the repression of alternative sexuality.

    2. Maybe, monogamy is a societal construct along with the repression of alternative sexuality?

      I believe monogamy is natural for females, and contrived for males.

  2. Interesting conundrum that you describe here - and I think the key is in your own comment. If two people willingly enter into a monogamous sexual relationship, both should be able to share the essential home truths with each other. However, if one person has sexual activity with someone outside of the relationship, this secret is double-edged: harmful for the trusting partner and haunting for the cheating one. If you are not sexually satisfied in your relationship, you should either change it or end it: ask for permission to have outside partner(s) or find someone who is more open to a relationship that satisfies your needs. Existing in the grey area that you are now in is emotionally detrimental to both of you (if you and your wife committed to a monogamous sexual relationship).

  3. Hey Jay...
    How are things going? Been a couple of months since you last posted just wanted to say hi and hope things are well with you...
    Tim from MO