I think I might have a problem. I think I might have a crush, at least a small one, on a guy I work with. I've been thinking about him more and more. Technically, I am his boss. In my capacity as his boss, I have spent some days over the last few weeks riding with him from appointment to appointment. He works in the field, all my colleagues work in the field.
So, this colleague has not been doing particularly well lately. His job performance has been sub-par, which has drawn a lot of scrutiny because he used to be one of the top performers. He also has a who host of personal issues going on at the same time. In my ride-alongs, I have taken the time to coach and to really get at the heart of what is wrong. I've had to be more aggressive, more forceful, when explaining what I need from him. I've learned that this guy and I share a lot of the same personality characteristics. We are both more subservient than we are dominant. (I know, I'm the manager and I am subservient. It makes for interesting challenges for me) I don't particularly like the use of "sub" before servient, but my spell check insists. But I digress. An interesting aspect of my personality type is that when I am around someone who is more dominant, I become more subservient. And I've learned that this guy is definitely the same way; the more dominant I am, the more subservient he becomes. (Yes, I have learned how to be dominant when I need to.)
I think I wrote about the first time I almost "lost control" in a blog post for BLM. (Maybe I should copy those posts here? Since BLM is no longer blogging.) Like I mentioned then, the feeling of almost losing control in that way is not something that I have experienced a lot of. On at least three separate occasions, I have fantasized about doing something completely inappropriate with this guy while I was deep in conversation with him. The fantasies are so really, I actually see myself reaching out to him. I can feel his lips pressing onto mine, his hands on my back. The experience is scary, one slip up and I risk not only exposing myself to him, but to everyone at my company. One slip up, and I risk exposing everything to everyone.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the fantasy, and the thrill. When I realized that I was thinking about him when he wasn't standing right in front of me is when I started to worry about a bigger problem. I cannot act on any sort of crush on him. I am his boss, he knows my wife, everyone knows that he is gay. Everything I do must be completely above board.
Maybe I am only feeling this way because it has been awhile since I have had any kind of contact with a guy. But, work crushes aside, I really have not given much though to it. I
haven't written any blog posts, had any contact with M, signed into Grindr or Craigslist. I have even struggled keeping up with the other blogs that I follow. If it weren't for this guy, I'd tell you the pendulum is swinging the other way for now.