Sunday, November 27, 2011

I want to say something, I just don't know what

I've wanted to come back and say something for weeks.  But what should I say.  This blog has a pretty specific theme, a theme to which I honestly haven't dedicated a whole lot of time.  So many other things, unrelated things, have be occupying my time.  I can't write about those, it just wouldn't fit.  That's not what this blog is for.  So, I haven't written anything.

Obviously, I haven't decided that I am no longer bisexual, that I'm no longer interested or attracted to other men.  I don't even believe that would be possible.  I am what I am, as Popeye would say.  I'm not going to change.  Taking this break has allowed me to realize a few things though.  You see, I didn't just take a break from this blog.  I also took a break from my pursuits.  For the last two months my life has been all about my family, my home, and (unfortunately) work.

What I've realized is, that it's okay.  That I'm okay.  I started this blog as an outlet to express a part of my life that was unfulfilled.  I'd been sexually attracted to men all my life, yet I'd never done anything about it.  I felt that my own shyness and fear were the cause, and this was something that I desperately needed to correct.  And I have!  My first hookup with another guy, gaining the courage to first agree, then actually following through, is a source of pride, a sense of accomplishment for me.  That would probably be difficult for most people to understand.  Especially considering that what I did for many would be a source of guilt and shame, having committed infidelity.  Certainly I am no stranger to those feelings.  But the experience made me realize what I am capable of, and eliminated any regret or resentment that I may have felt, or would feel in the future, for not having at least tried to fulfill one of my basic needs.

So I accomplished what I set out to do.  Then I decided to take a break from it all.  The purpose of the break wasn't to reassess what I wanted in life.  But I learned something none the less.  I learned that frequent, anonymous, random, hookups aren't what I need.  Even more interesting is that they're not necessarily what I want.  It's funny how something can so dominate your every waking thought then can become next to inconsequential.  I won't deny that they can be fun, or that I won't ever do it again.  But I no longer spend countless hours of my day dreaming about it like I once did.

Maybe, instead, what I was looking for is something closer to what Jack Scott has been describing on his blog.  Maybe that is why M is the only guy, of the ones that I've "connected" with, that I still chat with.  Jack writes a lot about "bonded buddies", and it makes sense to me.  That sex between men can be an act of bonding.  It's that bond that I've never experienced.  Male friends were always lacking in my life, my shyness kept me from experiencing more than just male/male sex.  I've had male friends, but never one that I felt close too.  It's always been easier for me to relate to, get close to, women.

So what am I trying to say?  I still don't know.  My exploration is sure to continue, and I am sure that I have much more to learn.  Right now I feel that Grindr will have less of an impact on my exploration.  Grindr, and other apps like it are fun for their entertainment value.  To strike up a conversation with someone new or to trade pics.  But I no longer have a desire to hookup with the guys that I chat with.  Instead, I think I will try focusing more on the friends that I have made by being here on this blog, and maybe some in-depth connections rather than anonymous ones.