Sunday, November 27, 2011

I want to say something, I just don't know what

I've wanted to come back and say something for weeks.  But what should I say.  This blog has a pretty specific theme, a theme to which I honestly haven't dedicated a whole lot of time.  So many other things, unrelated things, have be occupying my time.  I can't write about those, it just wouldn't fit.  That's not what this blog is for.  So, I haven't written anything.

Obviously, I haven't decided that I am no longer bisexual, that I'm no longer interested or attracted to other men.  I don't even believe that would be possible.  I am what I am, as Popeye would say.  I'm not going to change.  Taking this break has allowed me to realize a few things though.  You see, I didn't just take a break from this blog.  I also took a break from my pursuits.  For the last two months my life has been all about my family, my home, and (unfortunately) work.

What I've realized is, that it's okay.  That I'm okay.  I started this blog as an outlet to express a part of my life that was unfulfilled.  I'd been sexually attracted to men all my life, yet I'd never done anything about it.  I felt that my own shyness and fear were the cause, and this was something that I desperately needed to correct.  And I have!  My first hookup with another guy, gaining the courage to first agree, then actually following through, is a source of pride, a sense of accomplishment for me.  That would probably be difficult for most people to understand.  Especially considering that what I did for many would be a source of guilt and shame, having committed infidelity.  Certainly I am no stranger to those feelings.  But the experience made me realize what I am capable of, and eliminated any regret or resentment that I may have felt, or would feel in the future, for not having at least tried to fulfill one of my basic needs.

So I accomplished what I set out to do.  Then I decided to take a break from it all.  The purpose of the break wasn't to reassess what I wanted in life.  But I learned something none the less.  I learned that frequent, anonymous, random, hookups aren't what I need.  Even more interesting is that they're not necessarily what I want.  It's funny how something can so dominate your every waking thought then can become next to inconsequential.  I won't deny that they can be fun, or that I won't ever do it again.  But I no longer spend countless hours of my day dreaming about it like I once did.

Maybe, instead, what I was looking for is something closer to what Jack Scott has been describing on his blog.  Maybe that is why M is the only guy, of the ones that I've "connected" with, that I still chat with.  Jack writes a lot about "bonded buddies", and it makes sense to me.  That sex between men can be an act of bonding.  It's that bond that I've never experienced.  Male friends were always lacking in my life, my shyness kept me from experiencing more than just male/male sex.  I've had male friends, but never one that I felt close too.  It's always been easier for me to relate to, get close to, women.

So what am I trying to say?  I still don't know.  My exploration is sure to continue, and I am sure that I have much more to learn.  Right now I feel that Grindr will have less of an impact on my exploration.  Grindr, and other apps like it are fun for their entertainment value.  To strike up a conversation with someone new or to trade pics.  But I no longer have a desire to hookup with the guys that I chat with.  Instead, I think I will try focusing more on the friends that I have made by being here on this blog, and maybe some in-depth connections rather than anonymous ones.


  1. I'm glad to see you post. I thought about emailing you a few times to check in and see how you were. You have some good thoughts here, and I'm glad you've had some time to think. Blogging can be freeing, but can also become a burden. I hope you can continue to sort out what you need. I also hope you don't completely give up on letting us know how you are from time to time.

  2. Yes, I was starting to think that maybe I'd been away too long. That I wouldn't find my way back. It's only been a couple of months, but that can seem like an eternity. I don't really see myself giving up on blogging though. I enjoy this community too much and I get a lot out of it.
    You should have emailed, Mack. I always enjoy hearing from other bloggers and readers.

  3. I totally understand your feelings on this Jay... I had been married for 15 years to my first wife, and now been 7 years with the second, and I had never ''strayed''. During the last year, I've explored with a friend. Like you, it was liberating, but the more I met with him, the less I got out of it. He was in it for a no-strings attached fling. I was into him big time. I wanted to connect with him. I came to realize that I've probably been in a long term relationship for too long, to say that sex doesn't mean anything. When you spend hours making out, sucking, rimming, fucking... you certainly develop feelings. Grindr and hook up sites are perfect for some people, but just not for me. Like you, I'm definitely not ''cured''... lol, and I'm not saying it'll never happen again. But I also have been concentrating more on my wife, and family life for the past few months. (Ok I'll admit, I haven't stopped looking at online but for the moment, my hook ups are on standby).
    Good luck to you.

  4. Jay, it's good to hear from you, and I'm glad you checked in, because we ( I ) have been curious, but seriously, blog for your own reasons, what ever those reasons are.

    I like how you explained that once you experienced your fantasy, you felt liberated, and free to move on. No doubt it had an impact on the rest of your life, even if it was to get you re-grounded with work and family. Who ever said that was a bad thing?

    I hope this is a lesson to me, and everyone who reads you. Conquer your fears, try stuff out and live life. I hope I will put this lesson into practice more, not by hooking up more (got plenty of that down, right?) but with other things too!

    All the best buddy.


  5. Jay -
    It's so great to see you back on your blog. I know you are busy with stuff, so thanks for taking the time to check in. This is a very thoughtful post. I agree with Jack above, that you've conquered your fears, and you have made a huge leap in your own mind, if you know what I mean. I think you are an amazing guy, and you are in inspiration to others out there.


  6. Thanks for a profoundly moving and reflective post. Thanks, as well, for joining my blog as a follower. Paul.

  7. Great blog...I could have written that exactly as you did, but you said it better than I could have said it. I have the same feelings. I am currently in the 'ramp up' stage, but starting to exit, being content with a few guys who I want a relationship with, and not just a fuck. Keep writing.

  8. How did I survive without this, your comments? I didn't realize until just now how much I missed this aspect of blogging. Thank you all!
    Jack & Hottie, yes! Exactly! I didn't realize it before, but all of this has lead the way to taking "a leap" in other areas of my life.
    Rimbeau, I'll stop looking at online porn when I die! Haha. I knew that feelings were a risk. But what I didn't know is that it wasn't just sex I was looking for. I was also looking for someone who could relate.
    Paul & Tom, thank you! That's very high praise.

  9. Jay,

    Life isn't so much about finding yourself, but about creating yourself (each and every day). And that's what you've been doing. Continue embracing your intuition and ever-changing needs. You're doing nothing wrong and everything right. These last few weeks, I've been having a rough time... and oddly (and surprisingly), I have readers going through similar situations. Had they not emailed me directly, I never would have known (about their dark clouds, addictions, fears, problems). Like you, I guess I'm also realizing that part of the joy of blogging is "connecting" with people who can "relate". Continue to be your true self. XOXO.


  10. Sounds like your growing. Good for you!

  11. Jay: much of what you wrote is how I feel and what I've experienced. It looks like the time you've spent away has brought you courage..courage to accept who you are..

    Let us know how you're doing. We're all anxious to know.