Wednesday, August 31, 2011

What's the deal with poppers?

I hooked up with Don again.  He started texting me early on Monday, wanting me to come by on my way to work.  I couldn't make it then, but I would be able to later.  I asked him if he wanted cock for lunch, since I was more than willing to serve it to him.

It was the same deal as before.  Park out front, walk around back, use the sliding glass door to his bedroom.  I wasn't anywhere near as nervous this time.  Am I becoming a pro at this?  I'm sure many of you could come up with other things to call me!  Ha ha.

This time he got on his knees in front of me.  I had already undressed down to my boxer briefs.  I let him take over from there.  When he took my cock into his mouth, my knees almost buckled.  I grabbed his head with both hands to keep myself steady.  He swallowed it whole, then pulled off the lick all around the base and my balls.  Then engulfed my cock again.  When I couldn't possibly stand any longer, I pulled out and moved over to the bed.

When I sat down, he immediately fed me his cock.  Which I happily took, and wrapped my mouth around.  I decided to put my new found rimming skills to work.  I pulled him onto the bed, on his knees, and position my heads between his legs.  I sucked on his cock, then moved to his balls.  When I started to move back further, he didn't resist.  So I went for it and stuck my tongue in his ass crack.  He lifted a leg to give my better access, and my mouth and tongue lapped up his hole.

Again, I was surprised by the sweet taste, and I wasn't at all repulsed.  And, oh man!, his reaction!  He obviously loved it, which only served to get me more into it.  He started moaning, and gyrating his hips.

After a few, I pull off and we both fell to the bed.  I landed on top of him, and we began "dry humping" while we kissed.  Then I kissed down his body till I made my way back to his cock.  I gripped it tightly with my fist, and began sucking on the head.  That got a much better reaction out of him that my previous attempts.  There was a point, a small one, where I thought I might actually get him to cum.  But then he calmed down, and my jaw was getting tired.  So, I pulled off, and started making my way towards his ass again.

I was only there for a few seconds when he suddenly got up and pushed me onto my back.  Before I knew it, he was straddling me, shoving his cock into my pelvis.  He reached behind himself and grabbed my cock, and said "I've been waiting for you to fuck me!", or something to that effect as he started to lift himself up.  I reacted quickly, grabbing my own cock and stopping him from moving.

"No, not without a condom!", I whispered, then pulled him down for another kiss.

If he was upset, he didn't show it.  We moved quickly so that I was back on top.  Now I was pushing my cock up against his.  I wet a couple fingers and started to play with his ass.  But after a few seconds, he pushed my hand away.  I told me he wanted me to jack off and cum all over his chest.  So I sat up and straddled him, with his cock nestled in my crack, and started jacking.

Then he said, "Wait", and reached over and grabbed a bottle off the night stand.  I wasn't paying much attention, I thought it was lube or something.  He took the cap off and stuck it up to his nose, took a quick sniff, then repeated on his other nostril.  Then he held out the bottle to me.

"No thanks, I'm good", and just started jacking again.  I had been close to the edge for a few minutes now, so it didn't take long before my cum was flying all over him.  Before I could even catch my breath, he pushed me forward so that my cock was hanging over his face.  Then he took my cock into his mouth and started sucking, and he started jacking himself.  I would have finished him myself, but I liked this too.  Although my cock was extremely sensitive and I had to pull it out of his mouth a couple times.  I felt like I was going to jump our of my own skin.  But that didn't stop him, each time he'd take it back into his mouth again and keep on jacking.  After a couple of minutes, he was coming.  I was falling off him, and we both were lying breathless on his bed.

Now comes the awkward part.  He gets up and grabs a small towel he had ready off the dresser and tosses it to me.  I get up, wiping myself off, and talk to his bathroom to clean myself up.  I'm not saying much, I'm not very talkative in normal situations.  But when I return from the bathroom I'm curious about the bottle on his nightstand.  I asked what it was as I walked over and picked it up.  He said it was poppers, and that it makes orgasms better.  I know about poppers, at least in theory, because I read A LOT of porn.  So I had suspected that's what it was.  But when I picked up the bottle, it was small, brown and looked a little like vanilla extract bottle, I saw that the label read "Nail Polish Remover". WTF?

Really?  Are poppers actually nail polish remover?  And inhaling this is supposed to make better orgasms, without frying my brain?  I had no idea.  I just put the bottle down and started to get dressed, with several thoughts running through my mind, but didn't say a word.  Had sex with me become so bland that he needed help to get off?  That he needed to burn brain cells to get off?  And would he have really let me fuck him bareback?  I get the effects of being in the heat of the moment, but he doesn't know a thing about me.  Why would he think it's safe to do that?  It was another fucking hot session, but I left more confused than relieved.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Why earthquakes are better

It looks like all of my friends made it through Irene safely, and I am thankful.

I've talked to more than a few people who think I'm crazy for living in California, because of the earthquakes.  But I will take earthquakes over hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, volcanoes, below zero freezing weather, any day of the week.  I've lived through the infamous Loma Prieta earthquake in '89, and each since, anything below 6.0 on the Richter scale barely get my attention.  They are quick, and the damage is generally localized.  And, although we live under constant threat of "The Big One", major earthquakes don't happen every year.  But minor ones happen every day, and if you pay attention you can feel them, which is cool.

But tropical storms that last for days?  Tornadoes that wreak havoc on everything thing in their path.  (All that and the occasion earthquake too?) No thanks, I will stay right where I am.  Best of luck to everyone on the east coast recovering, getting back to normal, quickly.

My week was uneventful, extremely uneventful in comparison.  I have no hookups to report, no new developments in my adventures crossing the line.  Just great conversation with new friends.  I've been thinking quite a bit lately about how I might live my life more in the open.  It was never my goal to be sneaking around on my wife, but here I am.  At some point, I hope to be more honest with my wife about what I want, what I need.  I know that it is possible.  And if I play my cards right, my wife will be all for it.

Just last weekend, my wife decided to surprise me with some porn.  She said she had two videos she wanted us to watch.  One was something that she knew I would like.  The other is something she wanted to do to me.  I was intrigued.

So we sit down to watch the first, and it turned out to be a video of a threesome, male/male/female.  We watched while sitting on the couch in our living room.  The guy and the girl were sharing the other guy's cock, licking it up and down.  Then the scene switched to the guy fucking the other guy, while the girl sucked the other guys dick.  I was hard in seconds.  My wife slid her hand into my shorts and played with me while we watched.  After a few minutes, I asked if we could move to the bedroom.

In the bedroom, she showed me the second video.  The first thing a saw was a guy sitting on a couch with a gigantic black dildo in his hand.  My first thought?  "Ouch!".  LOL.  Then a woman entered the scene wearing a black leather lingerie piece that included a "smaller" black strap on.  She stood in front of the guy, who was still fully clothed, and made him suck on it.  He managed to strip off his shirt, and undo his jeans, while she fucked his mouth.  When his cock was free, they reversed places.

Oh yeah, while we were watching this video, my wife was sucking me off.  I know that most of my readers probably won't enjoy me talking about straight sex.  But I know there are a few of you out there who will love it! *wink*.  I love when sex with my wife includes some sort of bi/gay aspect.  Not only because it's hot, it get's me hot, but because it shows promise for what might come in the future.

She switched back to the first video while she was still sucking on my cock.  The one of the guy getting fucked and blown at the same time.  I asked which of the two guys she thought I was in that scenario.  She was coy at first, but then said I was the guy getting fucked.  It wasn't long after that, that I pulled her off and fucked her.  And well, with my new found ass experience, I couldn't help but play with that a bit too.  Just a bit, nothing over the top, just enough to crack open possibilities that I hadn't really thought of before.  We never did talk about her wanting to fuck me with a strap on.

So I guess I lied when I had nothing new to report.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Are ya gonna let me in?

"Are ya gonna let me in?", the guy asked.  And I would answer with "No".  But I have to admit, I was into it.  I was actually thinking about letting this guy fuck me.  I've always said I wanted to try it all, eventually.  I wanted to take my time with it though, make sure that I enjoyed every new experience.  And I wasn't thrilled about the first dick in my ass being one that I had just met.

I was into it though.  And he'd ask again after a minute or two of kissing.  His hands reaching behind me as we laid side by side, exploring my hole.  My hands were all over him.  I'd rub his cock, then move to his ass, then up his back and down his chest, and start all over again.  He told me that he'd "teach me" how to do it so that it wouldn't hurt.  That he'd be gentle.  And we go back to kissing, our tongues wrestling in each other's mouths.  "No", I'd mumble.  But I was about to give in.

"Do you have a condom?", I asked.  It was a dangerous question, and I knew it.  Because if he said yes, I'd let him in.

He said, "No, because having condoms in the house is proof of cheating.", and he laughed.  "Do you?" he asked.

"No", I answered, partly bummed, partly relieved.

"Damn, alright then, we'll have to do it another time", he relented as he went back to kissing.  Then he stopped suddenly and asked, "What about Monday?  Will you let me in on Monday?".

I just laughed.  I didn't answer, just laughed.  Then I pushed him onto his back and moved back to his cock.  As I took him into my mouth again, a slid my hand back towards to massage his hole.  He started moaning.  I stopped for a second to lick my fingers, then started inserting one in while I went back to blowing him.  He moaned louder.  His cock still wasn't rock hard, it was more stiff, but still pliable.  It didn't have enough stiffness that if I bobbed my head up and down it would move with me instead of slide in and out.  But you wouldn't know it from the moans, and the bucking of his hips.  My finger was in past the knuckle, and I started sliding it in and out.  Then I slowly added another finger and did the same.  It wasn't doing much for me, but he definitely reacted positively to it.  I used my other hand to hold his cock so that I could slide my lips up and down the shaft easier.

He commanded me to turn around, so that he could get to my cock.  I obliged.  My cock was in his mouth within seconds, and we were in the reverse of our first 69 position.  He hands exploring my hole again, and pushing me further into his mouth.  Because I knew he'd love it, I pulled off his cock and buried my face in his ass again.  Pushing my tongue into his hole as deep as it could go.  He bucked some more.

My orgasm started to grow, quickly, and I moaned.  Then I went back to his cock and sucked as is my life depended on it.  My balls started to tighten up, and I moaned again.  Then I was just seconds away.  I yelled out, "Fuck, I'm gonna cum", and tried to position myself so that he could push me off.  He replied, "Ok", and moved me, but just a little.  His mouth was replaced by his hand and he jacked me furiously.  I came.

I'd lost all concentration and abandoned his cock.  I shot three or four times, slightly aware that I had no idea where my spunk was landing.

After a minute, I slid off to the side and looked to see what I had done.  My cum was on his cheek, his neck, and his chest.  The look on his face was like a kid in a candy store.  He reached down and started jacking him self off.  A little guilt kicked in that yet again, I had cum first and was unable to get the other guy off on my own.  I compensated by moving in close so that I could like his balls and the area just behind them while he jacked.  That seemed to work, because a few moments later his was cumming.  He continued to jack himself like mad as he came, so his cum flew all of the place.  Some hit me in the chest, some his the bed, some hit him in the chest.

After the mini coma had passed, he both started moving.  I made a comment about the cum all of the place, and that he'd have to wash the bedspread.  He laughed, and pointed the way to the guest shower.  As I was getting in, he walked off to the other bathroom.  I showered quickly, dried off quickly, and went back into the room to get dress.  He walked in after I had half my clothes on and started to get dressed himself.  There wasn't a whole lot said at that point.  After we both were dressed, and after I made sure I had all my stuff, he walked me to the front door.

Leaving these situations is always awkward.  I never know what to say or do.  I don't think he did either.  I mentioned something about not being free on Monday, but that I was open to doing this again.  Then I opened the door and left.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Another NEW experience

I had another hot sex experience last week that I haven't shared with you guys yet.  Why?  I'm not sure.  I think I'm worried about everyone getting the idea that I am a slut!  And I know that waiting a few days to tell you all about it makes all the difference.  Right?  lol.

So I started chatting with this guy early last week.  He's around my age, actually close to my height, married (duh), white, etc.  He told me his wife was out of town, so I gave him my cell # so that he could text me later in the week.  Thursday afternoon came, and I still hadn't heard anything.  I noticed that he was on Grindr, so I sent him another message.  (It's possible that I've become a Grindr addict!)  The conversation was short, cordial, he said we should set something up for the following week.  No mention of what "something" was.  On Friday morning, he messaged me again on Grindr.  (Yes, definitely an addict)  He asked if I were free that weekend.  I said no, since weekends for the most part were off limits.  But that weekend in particular was reserved for M.  Then he asked if I could get away from work that day.  I think he remembered his wife was coming home on Sunday and his window of opportunity was closing.

The usual heart palpitations and cold sweat started as soon as I began thinking about meeting up with this guy.  I wasn't even at work yet, so I wasn't sure I'd be able.  But by 9am I knew I'd be free.  We agreed on a time around lunch, he gave me his address.  Plans were set.  As with the first time, my heart was beating a mile a minute from that point on.

I left work a few minutes before noon, I was only a few minutes away from this guy's house.  But as soon as was in the car I got a text asking for a little bit more time, 15 minutes.  I guess he'd gone to run some errands and wasn't back yet..  So I drove around for a bit, told him to text me when he was ready..  I actually thought he was going to chicken out, tell me  to nevermind.  Then my fucked up mind went all paranoid and I thought he needed the extra time to perfect his trap.  Maybe the basement wasn't prepped yet?  But I got the all clear text, and since I had already told him I was on my way, I decided to go through with it.  I was not going to let my own fear to get the best of me, I'm done with that.

I showed up at his door, in a quiet little neighborhood.  He lived on a court, so there was no traffic.  He opened the door, invited me in.  I followed him to the sitting room.  He had a nice place, obviously decorated by his wife.  I saw porcelain dolls everywhere.  He looked good though.  Like I said, close to my own height and in shape.  He was nervous.  Very nervous.  Almost to the point of a stutter.  He really didn't know what to do with me.  It was strange, but I felt the need to take control.  Like I am the expert in these situations. Haha.   I asked if he wanted to stay in the sitting room, or go somewhere else.  He said that there was a guest bed upstairs, and I said lead the way.

He started to undress as soon as we entered the room.  I removed my shoes, but stepped up to him to slow him down.  He had some short conversation about how many times each of us had done this.  His experience was about the same as mine.  He had already removed his pants, and I started exploring his body through his tshirt and boxer briefs.  And we kissed.  My hands went up and down his back, his chest, and eventually (quickly) found their way to his crotch.  I reached in underneath and found a nice thick, soft, cock.  I popped it out from the briefs, and it had a huge plump head.

His nervousness was gone at that point, and he told me to get undressed.  I did.  And he finished what he started.  We stepped up to each other, completely naked, and I pushed him down on to the bed, on his back.  I went to work, first sucking on his nipples, then getting on my knees on the side of the bed so that I could have full access to his cock.

It was still soft as I took it entirely into my mouth.  He wasn't a big leaker, but I could taste a little bit of precum.  I stayed there for a few moments.  But since he wasn't getting any harder, despite his moans of pleasure, I pulled off and got up onto the bed myself.  We moved around a bit, his mouth found my cock.  I was in bliss.  We kept moving so that I could still get at his.  He got the point, and quickly straddled my face, so that we were in the 69 position with my on my back.

So at some point before this moment it would have been a good idea to express exactly what we wanted.  Because when he straddled me, it wasn't his dick that he shoved in my face, it was his ass!  I just looked at it, wide eyed, and thought to myself, "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?".  Fortunately, he is an expert cock sucker. Not as good as M, but I did have to tell him to slow it down so that I could last longer.  His tongue and mouth felt so good, I felt obliged to return the favor.  I slowly, tentatively, got closer to his ass.  First I sniffed.  It smelled okay, kinda sweet.  Then I flicked my tongue and touched skin just outside his hole. It tasted kinda sweet too.  A little more, and I was started to get into it.  He was a little hairy, but not as hairy as I am.  I pressed my tongue against his hole for a moment and started to realize why some guys really get into this.  He then pulled off my cock, and started sucking on my balls, and kept going south from there.  He pulled my legs, and before I knew it, his mouth was in my ass.  I had a fleeting thought about not being prepared for this.  But fleeting thoughts go, and I buried my face in his ass.

I can't even describe the sensations I was feeling.  I'd still prefer my dick sucked, or to suck dick, instead.  But having a tongue lick around and in my hole was something I had not even imagined.  We stayed in this position for a long time.  As I probed his hole, he would buck, pressing his cock into chest.  I tried to push my tongue inside once, but that kinda weird'd me out, so I opted to stay on the surface.

After I while, I really wanted his dick in my mouth again.  I slapped his ass to get his attention, and told him to feed me his cock.  He obeyed, and lifted himself up.  His cock was still soft.  Maybe a little more chubby.  I wondered what the hell would get this guy hard.  I was rock solid from the moment I took off my underwear. But I loved it in my mouth.  He kept going on my ass.  I could feel a finger pressing against my hole, and slip in a little.  I'd done that to myself once or twice, so I wasn't shocked by it.  But again, I wondered if I was ready.  I mean, I wondered if I was properly "prepared" for this kind of ass play.  I keep myself clean, but I am inexperienced in these matters.   I guess I was clean enough, because the finger was quickly replace with his tongue again.  He asked me again if I'd ever bottomed.  We had already covered that in our chats, but I pulled off his cock long enough to reaffirm that I hadn't.

A few minutes later, he pulled off me and turned to lay beside me.  We actually just laid there for a while, playing with each other's cocks.  He decided this was a good time to talk. Asked me questions about my life, and I asked the same of him.  Every few questions, or sentences, he'd ask, "So are you going to let me in?".  And each time I'd answer "No".  He'd either laugh or fake a pout.  But it wouldn't keep him from asking again.

To be continued...

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Yeah, we do exist!!


Bisexual Men Do Exist, Study Shows


BISEXUALITY DEFINITION X390 (PHOTOS) | ADVOCATE.COM
While stereotypes (and previous science) claimed bisexual men are just closeted gays, a new study conducted by Northwestern University offers evidence that male bisexuality actually does exist.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I might be in trouble

M is the second guy I hooked up with. He's the guy that surprised me with an awesome blowjob, when all was looking for was a handshake.

I been chatting with him since, online through Growlr and through text messages. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm no fan of phone calls. Something in me just shuts down when I'm on the phone. Anyways, our chats have been friendly, funny, and showed true concern about how the other was doing.

We met for lunch on Saturday. Wifey was out of town for the day, so I had some unusual free time. Wifey's started making plans earlier in the week, so I started making plans as well. But her's were soft, and wouldn't be confirmed to the morning of. M was very understanding. I told him I felt bad about asking him to do something with me, without being able to commit myself. He responded with, "I don't mind, just let me know".

So we met for lunch. We knew that neither of our homes would be free, so we planned on meeting at a restaurant. Even though I had plenty of time to get there, I still ended up being a few minutes late. He was already seated. I wandered the place til I found him, and sat down myself.

He was obviously nervous, as was I. We were struggling to make small talk as the waiter got my drink and took our order. But the nervousness faded by the time we were eating. I was telling him things about myself I never imagined revealing. About the real me, my relationship with my wife, how I felt about cheating. He told me about his life too. His family, his recent breakup, his job. Very quickly we became old acquaintences just catching up on what's new in our lives.

He mentioned that he was hoping to go see a movie this weekend, so I asked if he wanted to go together. He asked if I had time, and after a quick check of my phone, I knew that I did. So I texted my wife that I was going to see a movie "alone", the alone was implied. I paid for lunch, and off we went.

We met each other at the restaurant, but I let M decide to take just one car to the restaurant. He had a nice car, and I felt completely comfortable getting into it, being completely at his mercy.

We went to see Fright Night. It was an entertaining movie. I certainly liked watching Colin Farrell, but I remembered him being cuter. M made me pick where we sat, since I had refused to make any other decision that day. I intentionally chose the seats in the back of the theatre, against the wall. You know, just in case we wanted to not be observed.

Being there was strange. A mix between the nervousness and exhilaration of a first date, and the relaxed, comfortableness of an old friend. I sat back, enjoyed the movie, and wondered about what might happen next. I think were about 20 or 30 minutes into the movie before his hand it's way into mine. Our hands explored each others for a while, then his found it's way onto my leg, and my onto his. He rubbed my inner thigh, I reciprocated. He made his way towards my crotch, massaging life into my cock.

We spent the entire movie with a hand on each other. Massaging whatever we could find, with the exception of a short break for me to run the restroom. I gotta say, I loved the attention. I loved every second of it. My wife and I never did anything like that at the movies, despite my attempts to initiate.

Unfortunately, though, the movie ended. We had no choice but to get up and leave. He made a comment as we got back into his car about how badly he wanted to suck my dick. My dick wanted badly to be sucked by him. But we had no plans to do anything else, and no place to go. So we drove back towards the restaurant.

Along the way, he asked if I minded if he stopped to go through a car wash. I said, "go for it", happy for anything to delay the end. He pulled into the car wash, and we used the cover to make out. I enjoyed kissing him, almost as much as I enjoyed him rubbing my crotch. But that too, unfortunately, ended.

A few minutes later, he was dropping me off at my car. I told him how much fun I had had, and repeated that again later in a text message.

So yeah, I think I might be in trouble. I had a lot of fun with M. I think even more so because it didn't end in sex. I have really begun to think of this guy as a friend. I know, there was a teasing of sex, an arousal. But I enjoyed just hanging out with him, the conversation, the openness, the jokes. I've realized that I care for M, and that is dangerous for me. I'm not sure if I can afford to worry about another persons feelings or well being. It's another ball to juggle in this daring tightrope act. But then again, maybe he's what I've been looking for.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Bisexual in a straight marriage

Jack Scott's recent post, "I'm married to a bisexual guy, will it work?", really hit home for me, for all the obvious reasons.  This guy is very insightful, and, IMHO, certainly knows his stuff.

You see, I've thought a lot about my own decisions, and how I've chosen to deal with the secret side of myself.  I had a lot of options.  My wife knows I'm bi.  She's known since long before we got married.  I had never acted on those feelings before we met, because of my own damn insecurities and the like.  Unless you count a short experience when I was 5 or 6.  (BLM reminded me about that, I will have to tell you about it later.)  I never acted on these feelings while we were dating, or until recently, during our marriage.

But she knew.  And she's supportive.  We've talked about it, and even though it is always awkward for me, it's always made me feel more open and honest than at any other time in my life.  So why then, when I finally get up the nerve to act, do I leave her out of it?  Why do I go out of my way to keep it from her?  To deceive her?  I really don't know, it doesn't make much sense to me either.  But I do have a few ideas.

In Jack's blogs, he talks quite a bit about the difference between a bisexual man in a straight marriage, and a homosexual man in a straight marriage.  I think, deep down, that is what is at the heart of my fear.  I've had these feelings, for guys, for as long as I can remember.  While growing up, I've never talked to anyone about them.  I certainly knew what being gay was, and it was easy to see how it was becoming more widely accepted in society.  I was confused.  I remember light conversations with even the most open and accepting of people that made me close down.  My sister, for example, once told me in my adolescent years that "if a guy is confused, he's gay, that simple".  But it wasn't that simple for me.  I liked girls.  I had many crushes on girls, jacked off thinking about girls, enjoyed playboy.  I knew, or I felt, that if I talked to anyone about my liking guys too, I would be labeled gay.  And that would be that, I was gay, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I think my sister has grown from then, since she's found herself in her own gay relationship.  But I've never had the guts to talk to her about me since.

In the back of my mind, since early tween years, I've thought about the possibility that I really am "just gay".  That I have been lying to myself, and my heterosexual tendencies were a fabrication.  My attractions to either gender are never equal, but swing back and forth like a pendulum.  Maybe when I was more on the straight side, that's when I was lying to myself the most.  Most of society believes that bisexuality is just a myth.  That men who claim to be bisexual are really gay, just trying to get all the same perks that come with being straight.    I, for all my faults, never wanted to appear to anyone as talking the easy way out.  If anything, I liked taking the hard road if only to get the sympathy and attention from those around me.  I felt that stating I was bi would be like a black man bleaching his skin white.  For one, it would be obvious, and two, I would lose the acceptance of either side.  So I hid it.  I hid it for fear that I was really lying to myself.  And for fear that no one would accept me for me.  I also hid just for the simple fact that I didn't want anyone else to put a label on me.

In life, I must always be right.  No one else can tell me something that I don't already know, or I will immediately reject it!  That not really true, but it is always my first response.  It drives my wife nuts!

That I might really just be gay is a fear that only recently went away.  I thought that if I hooked up with a guy, it would confirm my fear.  I'd realize that I was gay, that I no longer belonged with my wife.  That I would have to get a divorce, and have my wife suffer the shame of marrying a homosexual man.  Since she already knew, she wouldn't even be able to blame me, she'd blame herself for trusting me.  I'd have to tell my family.  I'd have to tell her family.  While I may have had all the support and acceptance I need to come out when I was younger, I don't know if that was still true today.  I'd have to tell my coworkers.  I'd be forever defined as gay, and there would be nothing I could do about it.  And everyone I've ever know in life can look at each other and say, "Oh yes, finally!  I knew there was something about him."

All of that vanished a day or two after my first hookup.  That's when I realized that my feelings toward my wife, sexual and otherwise, hadn't changed.  That sucking dick, for the first time, hadn't flipped a switch.  This may have been obvious to everyone else, but it wasn't for me.  I've never talked about it.  I couldn't talk about it.  They only person I could talk to about it was my wife, and I couldn't let on to her that I was afraid I'd leave her.

So now I have a new goal;  Figure out how to live my life in the open.  My wife really is supportive.  I don't think she would support me cheating.  But there probably is a better way for me to fulfill all my desires.  Jack Scott seems to have it worked out.  Maybe if I figure out the right way to approach it, I can get there too.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

What did I say?

I was chatting with a new guy today, on Grindr. He's another married bi guy, who plays on the side. He lives somewhat close to where I work. He likes the same things I do, described himself as passionate, liking to kiss, massage, roll around, etc.

I was at work while we were having this conversation. Lately it seems like I do whatever I can to avoid actually working. But, inevitably, there are distractions. Our conversation is slow, intermittent, lasts for a couple of hours. We exchanged a couple of pics. Even face pics, which I am actually getting more comfortable doing. 

I think to myself, this has the potential to be something good. But I always try to not get ahead of myself. I keep out casual, cracking jokes and paying compliments. One of his pics showed a nice, lightly hairy, flat stomach, not to mention a nice package, that really turned me on. 

So I decide to take the next step. All the signs were there. He flattered me, dropped innuendos, stated that it was "safer" that we were both married. So I ask if he would be willing to meet up sometime. I didn't even specify if that meant meeting for coffee, or in a public restroom. I turned away from my phone to answer a question from a coworker, and when I turned back, he was gone. 

He didn't just log off. He blocked me. His profile disappeared from my screen. At first I didn't realize what happened. That I screwed something up. Then I thought Grindr was screwing up, like that's never happened before. I even rebooted my phone. Nope, everything was working fine. He was just gone. 

I wish I knew what I said, or what I did, to scare him off. I'm no stranger to blocking people. I sometimes can spend hours on Grindr just blocking people. But never in the middle of conversation. No matter what! That's just rude! I block people who clearly state in there profile that their interest are different than mine, ie. "Looking for a relationship". Or those that either I've tried sparking up a conversation and gotten no response, or I've seen on my screen for weeks and they've never tried to start a conversation with me. Space is limited after all. 

So now I will always wonder what I did. It's not like I can call him up and ask. Maybe he's just technologically illiterate and he doesn't know what he did. Yeah, I bet that's it. It must be, there's no other logical explanation. ;)

Consistency

I am going to shamelessly steal an idea for a post from a reader.  He wrote to give me a bit of blogging advice, that I needed to find a rhythm, or stride, when it comes to posting.  That if I keep posting sporadically I will lose the interest of some of my readers.

I don't know how others do it, ensure that they have something to post each day, or even every other day.  I write when the mood strikes, when I have an idea, and when I have time.  I haven't been able to figure out yet how to put any of that on a schedule.  Especially since all of this is on the "down low".  I certainly can't take time away from my wife in the evening to write here, or time away at work.  Usually, I find a little time early in the morning when everyone else is still asleep.

I've said it before, this blog is for me.  It's my way of working through shit.  But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't care if any one read it.  I am guilty of stressing over the stats, wondering how I can get my numbers up, worrying why more people aren't commenting.  I'd love to have the popularity of Scott or TGK.  And maybe in time, I will.  For now, I will do what I can to keep myself from dwelling on it, and to keep this personal.  I am sure that I will find my stride, eventually.

That being said, if you've got something to say to me, please say it!  Comment, email, whatever, I want to hear from YOU.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

FWB, FB, or Random Hookups?

Something I've been thinking about lately.  Now that I've gotten my feet wet, er, I mean, now that I've gotten my dick wet, what's the ideal situation for me?  Should I be lookin' for a Fuck Buddy (FB), or a Friend with Benefits (FWB)?  Or should I just stick to random hookups?

What's the difference between a Fuck Buddy and a FWB?  That's another question I've been pondering.  IMHO, the difference is in the relationship.  I fuck buddy is someone that I get together with just to fuck.  Not that I've crossed that bridge yet, but you get the idea.  There's no need to hang out with a fuck buddy unless you're gonna fuck, or suck, or whatever.  You're not friends.  But a Friend with Benefits is someone that you would hang out with, just to hang out.  Sex doesn't always have to be the primary goal.

Now, I know myself.  At least I like to think I do.  I know that I am more apt to look for a friend than a fuck buddy.  But to be honest, there's an emotional aspect to a FWB of which I think I'd steer clear.  Last thing I need, at this stage of my journey, is to get too attached to someone.

I've already hooked up with one guy twice.  That has the ingredients for a fuck buddy.  I know that I have no desire to hang out with the guy.  When I'm there, I am there for one thing only.  When I'm done, I'm gone.  It's become obvious that this guy isn't enough, though.  I might be turning into a Grindr addict, or a slut.  Even though I know that I could hook up with this guy when I need it, I am still logged into Grindr, or another equally convenient mobile app, whenever possible.  So maybe it's the random hookups that I'm going for?  Or maybe I need more than one fuck buddy.

The other guy, my second hookup, could easily become my FWB.  When I went to his house, I really wasn't expecting a blowjob.  I could see myself just hanging out with this guy, maybe even introducing him to my wife as a friend.  Maybe that's why I haven't made any real effort to find time to meet, because I know that it will go nowhere good.

Friday, August 12, 2011

So Now What?


It's strange to think that I have accomplished my goal, what I wanted when I decided to start this blog.  I actually thought it was going to take a lot longer.  I mean, I know that 25+ years is more than enough time to think about sex with men without actually acting on it.  But when I decided to start this blog, I really thought my journey to my first encounter would take longer.

I know that my fear and indecision in the beginning were probably annoying to many of you.  But oh well, to be honest, I didn't much worry about that.

So now what?

I could turn into a total cock slut to ensure that I have something to write about on a regular basis.  I'm not necessarily against that idea.  Really.  I'm not.  LOL.  I've had a great awakening experience so far.  But I don't think that is what I truly want.  I still have issues to deal with, obviously.  This blog has been my outlet, my expression of myself as I went on this journey.  I found that at times when I'm down, frustrated, depressed, confused, this blog has helped.  It's kept me positive.  But I've kept those parts of me, the darker parts, out of this blog.  It didn't fit with my original intention, so I felt it didn't belong.
HOT AS FUCK, Like this guy!!

I love talking about sex.  I mean, I really love talking, writing, or reading about sex.  But I think it's time I try to get the full value out of this community that has welcomed me with open arms.  It's time to be more real, more me.

Many of my fellow bloggers has posted a tremendous amount of thought and insight on the subject of married bisexual and homosexual men.  It's caused me to be very introspective over the last few weeks.  I've always knew I wasn't alone.  But I had no idea how "normal" I was.  It's given me new confidence, and a willingness, to decide what I want for myself and my life.  I don't know what that is yet, but I am starting to get an idea of what it isn't.  That's what I want to write about.

Don't worry, I be sure to throw in pics of "HOT AS FUCK" men for your enjoyment!  :)  And I am certainly not abandoning my journey.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Commitment? Seriously? I don't think so...

I had an interesting chat with a guy on Scruff yesterday morning.  He was a nice guy, older than I am by about 10 years.  His profile pic had him in a cowboy hat, and said that he works out at a gym regularly, so that's a plus.  But he's also a good foot shorter than me.  Not that I expect to meet guys my height, but I don't want to be able to use them for an arm rest either.

Anyways, that's all besides the point.  We're chatting for a bit, and Cowboy invites me out to a dinner and a movie.  I realize that I've screwed up, and my profile on Scruff doesn't explain that I am married, and when I do hookup, it's gotta be discreet.  I apologize to the guy, and explain my situation.  I tell him that I am "dl".  He responds by saying that he is too.  Which is weird, because I think he just invited me out on a date.  He says that friends can go out for dinner and a movie too.  That may be true, but that certainly wouldn't work for me.  It would be way too hard to explain to my wife how I met this new friend, and now we're going to dinner together.  I think she might have some questions.

We keep chatting.  Cowboy tells me that I am a nice guy and it would be great to have me as a friend.  I don't know how he's able to come to that conclusion yet, since we've just met and just started this conversation.  But I go with it.  We ask each other all the standard questions about what we're into, and what we like.  You know, in case we do hookup for sex, it's important to know these things.  He's got a nice sized cock, likes all the right things.  He's a total top, which would be a problem since I don't really plan on being a bottom.  But it's early, and I am enjoying the conversation, so I figure I will deal with that later.  

Than he says something odd.  He says how good it would be if, when we need a man's touch, we would only meet each other, no other man.  Suddenly I feel like I did when one of my girlfriends in High School started talking about marriage, panicked.  Did this guy seriously just suggest a serious committed relationship?  To me?  An already married guy just happened to respond to his text?  Cowboy didn't know me from the stranger next to him, wherever he was, how could he be talking about this?

Anyways, I'm confused.  Maybe I misunderstood.  So I say that, I tell him I didn't follow.  He goes on to explain that I might be looking for sex with random guys.  If we feel like the time is right, than he'd like us to be there for each others need, and not anyone else.

I know I am not a typical guy, and this blog proves it.  But I had a typical "guy" response to even the suggestion of a commitment, RUN!  Lol.  Seriously though, I wasn't rude.  I told Cowboy that I thought he was jumping ahead a little bit.  He said it's important for us to know what the other wants.  And I applaud his boldness, really.  But I can't have a conversation about a possible relationship with someone I haven't even met. 

I've chatted up a few guys online.  I've felt comfortable enough to meet a couple in person.  Fortunately for me, those two that I met I felt comfortable enough to let something more than talk happen.  But, talk about relationship stuff? No. We didn't even talk about the next time.

I do consider myself a nice guy.  And I am glad that seems apparent to guys I chat with online.  Hopefully this guy was honest with me, because I really don't see how he could determine I was a nice guy and a good friend based on our limited conversation.  Maybe it was just because I chatted at all.  I know there are a lot of guys out there who won't even respond, and that's certainly not me.

FYI, I did ask.  Cowboy isn't married, he's just discreet.  He's not bi, he was in a committed relationship for many years with another man.  He's not even in the closet.  Next time we chat, if there is a next time, I think I might explain what "dl" really means.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

More Real Sex

I had another hookup with the first guy.  I realize that if I keep writing about these guys, I am gonna have to give them names.  Otherwise this might get a bit confusing.  So let's call this guy Don.  I have no idea if the name he gave me was his real name or not, but why take the chance, you know?

You remember Don, Guy #1?  I'm not sure how much I told you about him.  He's married, like me.  He's 9 years older than I am, but has dark hair and eyes like I do.  Anyways, we kept chatting about our first meeting.  We actually made plans to meet up again later in the week, in the morning this time on my way to work.  He travels quite of bit for work, so he was supposed to be out of town till the day we were to meet.

So I was surprised when I got a text from him around 10 in the morning.  It was short and simple, "On my way home from the airport, Lunch?".  I was at work, and just so have it I was trying to decide what to do for lunch.  Don's text beat out all my other options!  So I replied, "Sure!  What are you going to feed me?".  Later he told me that reply almost made his crash his car.  :)

We agreed to meet at 12:30.  When it came time I left work.  I followed the same instructions when I got to his house; parked in front, walked around back, entered through bedroom door.  I was no where near as nervous this time as the first, which was great.  I had all the excitement of the anticipation, but only a little of the fear.

So I walked in to find the same scene.  Don was sitting in his chair, this time in a robe.  Porn was playing on the TV.  He told me to get naked.  I was hungry though, and had my wits about me, so I made him get up before I got undressed so that I could play with his cock.  Last time Don was completely hard when I arrived, this time he was only at half mast.  I loved playing with him while he was still semi soft.  After a few moments I got undressed, he laid down on the bed, and I went to work.

I was determined to suck him to completion this time.  I wanted to put to practice some of the advice that you guys, my readers, had given me.  I paid attention to his body movements, his reactions.  I shifted between long, deep movements to those that focused just on the head.  I used my hands at some points, and just my mouth at others.  When he made a particularly load moan or gasp, and stayed consistent with whatever I was doing at that moment.

His cock curved upwards.  So when I was position below him, the tip of his cock hits the roof of my mouth when I try to go deep.  I knew that if I want to take him deeper, I had to turn around.  We moved quite a bit during our session, and I eventually get him on his side.  I was laying down the opposite way, we were in the 69 position.  I found that I go much deeper this way.  Now his cock curved downwards, aiming for my throat.  I'm certainly no expert at deep throating.  I gagged, a lot.  So I keep pulling off to catch me breath.  But when he took my cock in his mouth, I found that I was able to focus more on that than the gagging.  It helped me take his cock deeper.

After a few moments of being on our side, I rolled up on top of him.  He continued to suck on my cock, and I force my head down on his as far as I could.  Using my hands to squeeze his ass, pull him up into me.  When I couldn't fight the gag reflex any more, I pull off and buried my mouth in his pubes, sucking on the base of his cock and balls.  But I had a much harder time concentrating this way, with his mouth and tongue all over my cock.

As I said before, I was determined to make him come.  We moved again, him on his back, me between his legs.  I sucked and bobbed for what seemed like forever.  Admittedly, it was probably only a couple of minutes.  I was getting tired, and he was showing no signs of getting close.  I started to use my hands more, to give my mouth a break.  I made sure that I left enough saliva on his cock for lube, something I learned from last time.  I jacked furiously, while trying to keep my lips or tongue on the tip.  Still nothing.  He stopped me to get up and get some lube, or something, from the bathroom.  I put some in my hands.  I tasted it, just to make sure it would still be safe to suck on his cock so more.  Then I rubbed it all around his cock head and shaft and went back to jacking him off.  I could tell immediately that it improved the sensations for him.  It was much more slick, and I could grip him tighter without causing pain.  I continued to jack him off, again trying to keep my mouth on the tip.  After a couple of more minutes, I could tell his orgasm was starting to build.  He started moaning more, then yelling.  My hand went into high gear, go faster.  "Here it cums, oh, I'm cumming".  I moved my head back some so I could watch it all in action.  I actually feel the cum move up the shaft of his cock just as he erupted.

I kept jacking, got out a couple more squirts, when he grabbed my wrist to stop me.  I wanted to taste his cum, but I was scared too.  I'm not fond of the taste of mine.  But from what I've read, each guy tastes different.  I knew that I liked the taste of him precum, so I figured my chances were ok.  I stuck out my tongue and licked a little bit that was dripping down the side of his cock.  It didn't taste bad.  Actually, it didn't taste like anything.  Can something have no flavor at all?  That satisfied my curiosity, but I licked the tip of his cock a little bit more just because I knew he was sensitive and it would drive him crazy.  He stopped me.  I back off, but started to slowly massage his cock again with my hand.  Slow enough that he didn't stop me.  I move myself so that I could get at my own cock.  I started to jack myself off with my right hand, and I slowly massaged his softening cock with my left.

I had hoped that Don would take an interest in my cock   Maybe suck on it some more, or stroke it.  But he didn't.  He did sit up enough to watch me though.  I laid back, resting my head on his legs and feet, and gave my cock the attention it deserved.  I was getting close to orgasm after only a couple of minutes.  And I yelled out when I exploded.  He actually yelled out with me, which I thought was funny afterwards.  Cum shot all of my chest, and some of it shot over my shoulder onto his bed.

I made no move to clean it up though.  I just laid there in a catatonic state.  When I realized that he was just sitting there, staring at me, I got a little self conscious.  I forced myself to get up to clean myself off.  I almost asked to use his shower, but then decided against it.  We got dressed, said our pleasantries, and I was out of there.

This experience was decidedly different than my first with this guy.  I think the first time around, my own fantasies and expectations mixed in with what was actually happening.  The whole experience seemed surreal.  This time, it was just real.  It was hot, but not as hot.  Not porn quality hot.  I was more aware of what felt good, and what didn't feel good.  I was also more aware of what I was doing that may not have felt good for Don.  The high that I felt, or the bliss, was more fleeting.  And I was able to put almost the whole rendezvous out of my head by the time I got back to work.

I was disappointed that I wasn't able to make Don cum by sucking him off alone.  Maybe after more training and more experience, I will learn if it was a problem with my technique or if he's just not one to cum that way.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Staying under the radar

One of the reader comments on my post about my first hookup asked about how I am keeping this from my wife. Obviously a sensitive subject, but it's been on my mind, so I wanted to write about it. I'm not ready to deal with the guilt and infidelity yet, at least not in this public forum. But it's a fair question, and maybe responding will help others.

First, let me say, that I am open and honest with me wife. As open and honest as I can be at this point in time while exploring this side of myself, and still have a happy marriage. She knows that I am bisexual. She learned this very early into our relationship, when we first started dating seriously. The fact that she knows this about me makes my life tremendously easier. I don't have to worry about how I act, if I sometimes come off as gay. I don't have to hide that I am attracted to men. Sometimes we'll notice the same guy in public, and we'll point him out to each other. I don't have to hide my porn, or the erotica that I love to read.

I created my own private email a few years ago. I used that email to respond to some craigslist ads. I wasn't looking for a hookup. No, really, I wasn't, I promise.  I was one of those guys we hate. You know what I mean, one of those guys that responds to an ad only to flake out or disappear after a couple of emails. What can I say? I didn't know what I was doing, just wanted something more exciting than gay porn.

Well, I was pretty dumb. My wife found the email account. I thought I was so smart, covering my tracks, but no. she found the account a couple of months after the novelty of emailing random guys had worn off. What followed was the worst blow out, almost break up, all out screaming and crying episode I have ever endured. And I've done some pretty fucked up shit in my life. I somehow managed to convince her that I hadn't cheated and hadn't had anonymous sex. I had no idea that the while ordeal was going to make it easier to do just that in the future. That it would teach me invaluable lessons on how to hide stuff from her.

As a side note, my wife and I had the best sex we've ever had in the days and weeks following.

The trick is, for me, is to be as honest as possible. I avoid the lie at all costs. Like I said, this is easier for me than it would be for most because she already knows I like men. I still have that private email I created years ago. I use it to sign up for porn sites, follow blogs, respond to a craigslist ad. I even used it to create a Facebook profile that I used to connect with guys all over the world. She knows about it, and knows that she can look at out anytime she wants. It's there for me to have a connection to people who feel like I do, an outlet. She doesn't know about my new account, the one I used to create this blog. I'm smarter this time. I didn't use my regular email to create this one, creating a link that she could follow like she did last time. I don't use this one for anything other than this blog, and communicating with readers of this blog. I don't have this one saved as a shortcut on my computer, or the login saved in my browser. I haven't linked this account to my phone. If my wife did come across this blog, there's nothing to tie it to me.

My hookups have all been facilitated on my smartphone, which I am never without. Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, Jack'd and Craigslist are all great for finding local like minded friends for whatever. I have them all installed on my android phone, which of the riskiest evidence of my actions. I use launcher pro, which allows me to hide programs from the app tray. Then I use an app lock, which requires a password to open these apps. I also keep the history in these apps clean. If my wife were to find them, and force me to give her the password, she wouldn't find anything incriminating once she opened them up. It would all be explained as me simply needing another bisexual outlet, needing to chat with guys. She knows that I chat with the guys I find on Facebook, even go a far as sexting, and she's cool with that.  The hookups themselves happened either while I was at work during lunch, or on my way home for work.  So I was never asked where I was, or what I was doing.  I didn't need to lie.

I also use a program on my phone that encrypts and hides certain photos.  So I can keep nude or cock pics of myself on my phone without having to explain why.  I don't think that I am a good liar.  If I was ever asked, or accused, directly then I'd be screwed.  I have no choice but to come clean and beg for mercy.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Vacation

I recently went on a family vacation, to a little known event called Comic-Con in San Diego.  Hey, nerds and geeks are hot too!

The timing of all this was perfect, having had my first sexual encounter with a man just a week before.  With finally opening that door and walking through, I fantasized about all the hot hookups I was going to have.  Yeah, I wasn't going alone, but the very nature of the event meant that we'd break off from each other and do our own thing.  We each had specific things we were there to see.  One of the things on my list wasn't an official Comic-Con event.

Having finally overcome my fear and hooked up with a guy meant that I could easily do it again, right?  The second time is never as hard as the first.  I was told that hundreds of thousands of people show up for this every year.  Just by numbers alone, I knew there had to be more than one guy for me.  I had my trusty smartphone with me, loaded up with Grindr and Craigslist, I was all set.

Things changed very quickly when I arrived.  Hundreds of thousands of people?  Do you know what that looks like, when you have that many people in one area?  I did.  I've been to Time Square on New Year's Eve, so I figured this was nothing.  But it was crazy insane!  In Time Square, the majority of the people aren't moving around, they aren't rushing to get here or to get there.  They arrive, find there spot, wait till midnight, then leave.  San Diego was definitely not that.  I think I heard something like 130,000 registrants.  That's 130,000 people running to get to the next event or panel, waiting in line, crowding the main exhibit hall.  I had no idea!  I had a blast!

But hookup? No.  I barely even had a chance to turn on Grindr, let alone chat some guy up.  We had way too much to do, and too much to see.  I got to meet a few celebs that I really like, including Kevin Smith, Joss Whedon, Ryan Kwanten, Alexander SkarsgĂ„rd.  See a bunch of really cool costumes.  I am a people watcher by nature, so you can imagine I had plenty to look at.

If you've never been, I highly recommend it.  I would definitely do it again, even without the prospect of sex.