Monday, August 8, 2011

Staying under the radar

One of the reader comments on my post about my first hookup asked about how I am keeping this from my wife. Obviously a sensitive subject, but it's been on my mind, so I wanted to write about it. I'm not ready to deal with the guilt and infidelity yet, at least not in this public forum. But it's a fair question, and maybe responding will help others.

First, let me say, that I am open and honest with me wife. As open and honest as I can be at this point in time while exploring this side of myself, and still have a happy marriage. She knows that I am bisexual. She learned this very early into our relationship, when we first started dating seriously. The fact that she knows this about me makes my life tremendously easier. I don't have to worry about how I act, if I sometimes come off as gay. I don't have to hide that I am attracted to men. Sometimes we'll notice the same guy in public, and we'll point him out to each other. I don't have to hide my porn, or the erotica that I love to read.

I created my own private email a few years ago. I used that email to respond to some craigslist ads. I wasn't looking for a hookup. No, really, I wasn't, I promise.  I was one of those guys we hate. You know what I mean, one of those guys that responds to an ad only to flake out or disappear after a couple of emails. What can I say? I didn't know what I was doing, just wanted something more exciting than gay porn.

Well, I was pretty dumb. My wife found the email account. I thought I was so smart, covering my tracks, but no. she found the account a couple of months after the novelty of emailing random guys had worn off. What followed was the worst blow out, almost break up, all out screaming and crying episode I have ever endured. And I've done some pretty fucked up shit in my life. I somehow managed to convince her that I hadn't cheated and hadn't had anonymous sex. I had no idea that the while ordeal was going to make it easier to do just that in the future. That it would teach me invaluable lessons on how to hide stuff from her.

As a side note, my wife and I had the best sex we've ever had in the days and weeks following.

The trick is, for me, is to be as honest as possible. I avoid the lie at all costs. Like I said, this is easier for me than it would be for most because she already knows I like men. I still have that private email I created years ago. I use it to sign up for porn sites, follow blogs, respond to a craigslist ad. I even used it to create a Facebook profile that I used to connect with guys all over the world. She knows about it, and knows that she can look at out anytime she wants. It's there for me to have a connection to people who feel like I do, an outlet. She doesn't know about my new account, the one I used to create this blog. I'm smarter this time. I didn't use my regular email to create this one, creating a link that she could follow like she did last time. I don't use this one for anything other than this blog, and communicating with readers of this blog. I don't have this one saved as a shortcut on my computer, or the login saved in my browser. I haven't linked this account to my phone. If my wife did come across this blog, there's nothing to tie it to me.

My hookups have all been facilitated on my smartphone, which I am never without. Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, Jack'd and Craigslist are all great for finding local like minded friends for whatever. I have them all installed on my android phone, which of the riskiest evidence of my actions. I use launcher pro, which allows me to hide programs from the app tray. Then I use an app lock, which requires a password to open these apps. I also keep the history in these apps clean. If my wife were to find them, and force me to give her the password, she wouldn't find anything incriminating once she opened them up. It would all be explained as me simply needing another bisexual outlet, needing to chat with guys. She knows that I chat with the guys I find on Facebook, even go a far as sexting, and she's cool with that.  The hookups themselves happened either while I was at work during lunch, or on my way home for work.  So I was never asked where I was, or what I was doing.  I didn't need to lie.

I also use a program on my phone that encrypts and hides certain photos.  So I can keep nude or cock pics of myself on my phone without having to explain why.  I don't think that I am a good liar.  If I was ever asked, or accused, directly then I'd be screwed.  I have no choice but to come clean and beg for mercy.

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