Thursday, August 18, 2011

Bisexual in a straight marriage

Jack Scott's recent post, "I'm married to a bisexual guy, will it work?", really hit home for me, for all the obvious reasons.  This guy is very insightful, and, IMHO, certainly knows his stuff.

You see, I've thought a lot about my own decisions, and how I've chosen to deal with the secret side of myself.  I had a lot of options.  My wife knows I'm bi.  She's known since long before we got married.  I had never acted on those feelings before we met, because of my own damn insecurities and the like.  Unless you count a short experience when I was 5 or 6.  (BLM reminded me about that, I will have to tell you about it later.)  I never acted on these feelings while we were dating, or until recently, during our marriage.

But she knew.  And she's supportive.  We've talked about it, and even though it is always awkward for me, it's always made me feel more open and honest than at any other time in my life.  So why then, when I finally get up the nerve to act, do I leave her out of it?  Why do I go out of my way to keep it from her?  To deceive her?  I really don't know, it doesn't make much sense to me either.  But I do have a few ideas.

In Jack's blogs, he talks quite a bit about the difference between a bisexual man in a straight marriage, and a homosexual man in a straight marriage.  I think, deep down, that is what is at the heart of my fear.  I've had these feelings, for guys, for as long as I can remember.  While growing up, I've never talked to anyone about them.  I certainly knew what being gay was, and it was easy to see how it was becoming more widely accepted in society.  I was confused.  I remember light conversations with even the most open and accepting of people that made me close down.  My sister, for example, once told me in my adolescent years that "if a guy is confused, he's gay, that simple".  But it wasn't that simple for me.  I liked girls.  I had many crushes on girls, jacked off thinking about girls, enjoyed playboy.  I knew, or I felt, that if I talked to anyone about my liking guys too, I would be labeled gay.  And that would be that, I was gay, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I think my sister has grown from then, since she's found herself in her own gay relationship.  But I've never had the guts to talk to her about me since.

In the back of my mind, since early tween years, I've thought about the possibility that I really am "just gay".  That I have been lying to myself, and my heterosexual tendencies were a fabrication.  My attractions to either gender are never equal, but swing back and forth like a pendulum.  Maybe when I was more on the straight side, that's when I was lying to myself the most.  Most of society believes that bisexuality is just a myth.  That men who claim to be bisexual are really gay, just trying to get all the same perks that come with being straight.    I, for all my faults, never wanted to appear to anyone as talking the easy way out.  If anything, I liked taking the hard road if only to get the sympathy and attention from those around me.  I felt that stating I was bi would be like a black man bleaching his skin white.  For one, it would be obvious, and two, I would lose the acceptance of either side.  So I hid it.  I hid it for fear that I was really lying to myself.  And for fear that no one would accept me for me.  I also hid just for the simple fact that I didn't want anyone else to put a label on me.

In life, I must always be right.  No one else can tell me something that I don't already know, or I will immediately reject it!  That not really true, but it is always my first response.  It drives my wife nuts!

That I might really just be gay is a fear that only recently went away.  I thought that if I hooked up with a guy, it would confirm my fear.  I'd realize that I was gay, that I no longer belonged with my wife.  That I would have to get a divorce, and have my wife suffer the shame of marrying a homosexual man.  Since she already knew, she wouldn't even be able to blame me, she'd blame herself for trusting me.  I'd have to tell my family.  I'd have to tell her family.  While I may have had all the support and acceptance I need to come out when I was younger, I don't know if that was still true today.  I'd have to tell my coworkers.  I'd be forever defined as gay, and there would be nothing I could do about it.  And everyone I've ever know in life can look at each other and say, "Oh yes, finally!  I knew there was something about him."

All of that vanished a day or two after my first hookup.  That's when I realized that my feelings toward my wife, sexual and otherwise, hadn't changed.  That sucking dick, for the first time, hadn't flipped a switch.  This may have been obvious to everyone else, but it wasn't for me.  I've never talked about it.  I couldn't talk about it.  They only person I could talk to about it was my wife, and I couldn't let on to her that I was afraid I'd leave her.

So now I have a new goal;  Figure out how to live my life in the open.  My wife really is supportive.  I don't think she would support me cheating.  But there probably is a better way for me to fulfill all my desires.  Jack Scott seems to have it worked out.  Maybe if I figure out the right way to approach it, I can get there too.


  1. Jay, I'm glad you found "I'm Married To A Bisexual Guy, Will It Work" helpful to you as you work to come to grips with your sexuality. I have to admit that when someone says I'm "insightful" it still jolts me a bit because there was a time - when I was your age - that I was pretty messed up about it all and had not one bit of insight into any of it.

    I've never personally met a man who is not straight that wouldn't, if he could, choose to be straight. The beginning of my growth into insight, however, was when I finally realized I'd never have that choice and I had to make the most of who I actually am.

    I don't have to tell you there is a long difficult road ahead of you. But you are doing the right thing by crossing the line. The most miserable guys I come across are the guys that for whatever reason, will not explore and try to come to an understanding and an acceptance of their sexuality. By and large, the guys I know who have crossed the line, the guys who have decided they have to make the best of this thing have come to be well adjusted and happy.

    And happiness for these guys is a wonderful thing for often they have paid a high price for crossing the line. But they find they are happier by far, living their life than they were when they were living a lie.

    I don't know you at all Jay, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Continue to use it as you explore who and what you are. Recently, you've learned a lesson relatively few guys have learned. It is possible to love a woman and enjoy a sexual relationship with her and also to need a relationship with a man and find fulfillment in it. I hope you can and will build on that.

    I have been blessed with a wonderful woman who has stood beside me in very difficult times. Seems like you may have the same. Be careful not to bring anything home to her. Figure out how much she really wants to know, probably not as much as you might think. If it turns out you are a bisexual guy, and it looks to be the case from what you have written, you'll find that by allowing yourself to accept and enjoy your need for guys will actually take some of the pressure off. For many bisexual married men, their activities with guys come to take an important and necessary though minor place in their lives.

    Best wishes in finding the balance that works for you.

    Jack Scott

  2. Hi Jay.
    From what I've read, I think I would consider you to be bi, and definitely not gay. You said that you are kind of like a pendilum, swinging from men on one side to women on the other, and not equally. From the gay guys that I have known and the coments on blogs I have seen them make, they consider themselves gay because they have more or less no attraction to women at all. This does not sound like you. I think you definitely have an attraction to both, and I don't think it matters how much you are attracted to either. It doesn't have to be an equal distribution. I have seen online a lot of people talk about that sliding scale between straight and gay, and you are just falling somewhere in there, maybe sliding around on the scal from time to time. I would be very curious to know if your wife has thought about you being with a man. Since she knows you are bi, I wonder if you have thought of asking her how she would feel if you got a bj from a guy. Just to see how she feels about it. If she freaks out, you have your answer. But if she says she can live with that, maybe you could ask her if she minds if you tried it? I'm just wondering if you can progress past the point you are at with her, since she already knows of your attraction.
    What do you think?


  3. I lived a totally stright life for twenty years until my child was grown and I changed jobs. Finally decided I had to experience sex with another man. I had always wanted to but held back because of my marriage & job. Still married & plan to remain so. Down deep, think I am more gay than bi. If I had it to do over again, probably would try the gay life first.

  4. Anon @ 3:35, You're not the first I've heard say that. Honestly, if I started all over, know what I know now, I have no idea what my life would be like. I didn't do a lot of things when I was younger out of fear. Any one of those things could have had a drastic effect. But I don't regret my life as it is today.

    Jack, I can only hope that it all ends well. Thank you, for your comment, and for your blog. If I could get you in room with me, I bet we could talk for days.

    Hottie, my wife and I have talked a little bit about it. I don't think she'd freak out, but she'd want to be a part of it. She wouldn't accept me going off on my own to experience it. Yeah, I know, that's exactly what I did. I'm pretty messed up that way. I just couldn't see us going down that road together, at least not at first.

  5. It would be something very interesting to consider, tho, down the road, yes? I mean, bringin the subject up a little bit? Remarking on a cute guy when you see one a few times. Then moving into talking bout something more. I just find that it would be fascinating if you found your wife accompanying you on this journey - in a way - not completely. I kow it would take a while, but imagine if you could get to the point of her watching whilst you got a bj from another guy? Down the rod, of course. And maybe this is just too crazy to think about. I don't know. Like you said, definitely not at first. Interesting, tho.


  6. Oh yes, hottie. Definitely! And I plan on it. I know that it will take a while, and I've already gone down the road without her. But I want to do whatever I can to get her there with me, than I won't have to sneak around. Or maybe she just says do what I want, just don't let her know about it.
    It's not crazy talk at all. At least, I don't think so. But we'll see what she thinks, eventually.

  7. I have to tell you that I am so impressed that you want to do it that way - being up front with her. Some peeps might think that it is weird, but you would just be being honest w/ her, and even keeping her in the loop. In a way, I think it would be hot, especially if you picked the guy out together! Wow, it would really be something if you could make it happen. It seems like she is kinda open to it. I've got a good feeling about this... I know it will be something down the road. Thanks for including us in your journey, jay.


  8. Hi Jay - I have to say I whole-heartily agree with your new goal of figuring out how to live your life out in the open. I can tell from your words that you truly don't want to cheat on your wife. I speak from experience that being open to your wife/partner about your bi needs is a lot better than her finding out another way. I am the woman in my husband's bisexual life and we are totally open about this part of our life. Good luck! :)

  9. Anon @ 2:52am, I'd be interested to hear more of your story. How did this openness come about? When did you learn of your husband's bisexuality? If you'd prefer a not-so-public forum, you can email me. But if you'd prefer not at all, I understand that as well.

  10. Jay - I e-mailed you (this is the above anon poster)

  11. i am 47 married 22 yrs. 3 kids - 1 in college. sex and intimacy with my wife fell of a cliff in the last 12 months (she's47. i had been with a couple of guys in high school. actually told her about one of them but she was appalled. was on a business trip and a 29 yr old gay bartender, near closing time, me drunk, worked really hard to get me to my room. i let him in, eventually got naked, jerked off together. next night i was back at the bar like a bee to honey. i had to have more. 25 yrs passed and i was crazed. next night, we blew each other and had a fun night. the guilts hit about 3 am. my problem now is that i am looking for the encounter everywhere i go. my guess is i just loved feeling his cock, sucking it etc. no kissing or ass play. just oral. no sure if that is bi, orally bi, gayish, just plain horny. thanks for all your posts. really insightful.