Free? Or, Lost?

Anonymous writes, "But even the most carefully maintained secrets have a way of coming out especially in this digital age. Have you really examined what you'd do if they did? Would you be free to be who you truly are or would you have lost something that can't easily be replaced?"

I really wanted to get mad that Anonymous couldn't leave a name.  But, wait, then I remembered.  I am anonymous too.  I guess I deserve that.  The part of the question that stuck out for me was not the part about getting caught, it was the part that asked, once caught, would I be freed or would I have lost.  That is an interesting question, one that has rattled around in my head for a long time.

In the end, it really comes back to what I want, or what I think I want.  The problem is that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  Who the hell really knows what they want?

"Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s."-Baz Luhrman "Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen" 

The other night, my wife and I were having dinner out at a restaurant.  For some reason we starting talking about the past, and the people we used to know.  An old friend of mine came up, someone that my wife sort of knew through someone else.  I asked if she knew that the guy turned out to be gay, which she didn't.  The realization washed over her face, followed by the "that-explains-so-much" face.  Then her face went slack, and she was lost in thought.  I asked her what was on her mind, and she softly, "That would be you if I hadn't dug my nails in to you."

Her fear is that I am really gay, just pretending to be happy in our marriage.  To be honest, I have had that

same fear many times.  I've spoken about the pendulum, that at times it swing way over to the gay side of the spectrum, and at others it is on the straight side. On this blog, I am reaffirmed by bisexuality time and time again, stating that I love my wife and wouldn't have it any other way.  Again, to be honest, that is not always the case.

I have thought, fantasized, many times about what life might have been like had I fallen in love with a man rather than a women.  Would I be happier?  Would I need to cheat on my man with a women?  I don't know.  The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  Then my wife asked, "That would be you if I hadn't dug my nails in to you?", and suddenly I imagine a possible life without her, a life alone.

My wife has always been the more aggressive of the two of us.  She knew what she wanted, and she did whatever she had to do to get it.  I had a vague idea of what I wanted, and was content to let things just happen as they did.  Put the two of us together, and the result is that she gets what she wants.  Fortunately, she wanted me.  So what would have happened if she hadn't wanted me?  Well, I could still be living with my roommates, a dysfunctional pair of women with no real life plans.  I could still be working at a fast food restaurant.  Chances are, I would be alone.  Not because I am not attractive or because I am not the funnest guy to hangout with, but because I was not in the habit of chasing after what I wanted.  Hell, just look how long it took to finally go after some sexual contact with a man.  The reality is that my wife is responsible for most of the happiness in my life.  The possible scenario of living alone and unwanted never really entered my mind until that moment.

Jack Scott recently wrote about the options a bisexual or married gay man have.  Clearly, there are lot of nobler guys than I.  I don't know if I will continue to seek out extra-marital affairs.  I don't know if I will work to include my wife more in that side of myself.  I just don't know.  But to answer the one question that I started out with in this post, were I caught, would I be freed? Or would I have lost?

The answer is, yes.

A Little Dose of Reality

Okay, let's be honest.  I have shied away from talking about the issues of fidelity and the consequences of my actions on this blog.  I have never made excuses for my actions, but I have defended them by saying that I was choosing a course of action that did the greatest good for all involved.  I stand by those words.

However...

Someone close to me, a friend whom I've known almost all my life, just came out of a situation that hit a little close to home.  She recently made the brave decision to follow her heart and get involved with someone whom she barely knew.  Turns out, that was a bad call.  The guy was not what he proclaimed himself to be, was not the person she thought he was.  He lied about other relationships, continued with other relationships while still dating her.  He even went as far as sexting one of his "friends" while in the same room with my friend. When she discovered all of this, she continued to follow her heart, and threw him out.

Their relationship seemed destined. They had so many things in common and seemed to compliment each other in all the right ways. She fell fast, and she fell hard. So much so that they were in the process of moving in together. When he fucked up, he screwed up his situation badly, because now he and his dog are literally homeless. All of this has created a drama that my wife and I have been unable to escape.

I am not saying that I have anything in common with this guy. Yes, there are obvious similarities in our situations and decisions, I won't deny that.  However, aside from a interest in sci-fi, we share nothing else in common.  He actually thought that flaunting these other women, even while lying about them, would generate a jealous reaction out of my friend that would cause her to fawn all over him. She wasn't having it.

The experience has opened my eyes a bit. It's interesting that all of this occurred after my last post where I was already questioning what I wanted for the future. I'm not saying that I have learned the error of my ways or anything, because let's all be honest. The urges that I've acted on will return with a vengeance and I was unsuccessful in ignoring them in the first place. All of this has given me new perspective, more to think about. It didn't help to hear all the talk from my wife about what she would do to a cheater!

What I Really Want

So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.

Full confession, I think I always have a song running in my head.  I fraking love music.  I wish I had an ounce of musical talent, but I don't.  I imagine I can sing, and reality does very little to stop me.  As I was typing the title to this post, a Spice Girls song popped into my head.  I couldn't resist, I should say sorry for possibly getting it stuck in your head. 

I digress.

I've thought a little bit about what I really want out of life.  Specifically, in my adventures on the other side of the line.  M2M action had been absent since my regular fuck buddy went out and found a boyfriend.  But that's okay, I wish him the best.  But what do I want?  Do I want to venture out again? I've crossed the line, I know what's on the other side.  The urge to go and explore is there, but not like it was before my first time. Maybe I want to call it quits for a while and focus on more honorable notions.

I have no answers, just wanted to rant for a bit.