Wednesday, June 5, 2013

BLM: The First Move

This is a repost of something I wrote for BLM, originally posted on February 1st, 2013. 

I remember the day I made The Decision well, it was also the day I decided to start my own blog.  I thought, "Hey, this is really brave of me, what I've decided to do, I need to tell somebody!"  But even though I made The Decision, it was still some time before I actually acted.

I was chatting up a guy, I think on Grindr, with whom I was starting to feel pretty comfortable. He and I texted back and forth real late one night.  I was in bed, with my wife sleeping beside me.  I think he was in bed too, with his man sleeping right beside him.  Maybe his man wasn't asleep, I'm not sure.  Anyways, the texting was a mix of sexting, and serious conversation. During the conversation he mentioned that he and his man liked to have threesomes sometimes. Then, after some flirtatious messages, he told me that he and his man would love to have me over.

Flash forward to a couple of days later, I'm sitting at work, bored, in a cubicle with not much to do.  Things were not going well at work, but that is an entirely different story.  All I need to say is that the company was struggling, and it had absolutely nothing to do with my performance.  It did, however, give me lots of free time with very little supervision.  Anyways, I am sitting in my cube, thinking about dick, because, really, what else is there to think about?  And it hit me, I can have my first man on man experience be a threesome!  How great is that?!?  In a threesome, there would be less pressure on me.  Because, worse case scenario, I could sit back and watch.  And, oh man, how I would just love to sit back and watch two guys get it on with each other!  I already had an offer, the guy told me that he and his man wanted me over.  So, time to use these newly grown balls I had and make something happen.

I texted the guy, "Hey, what do you think about me coming over after work?".

The guy takes his time to respond, but at first his response was positive. "Really?  What do you want to do?"

Uh...  Now that really put me on the spot.  It was one thing to get up the guts, it's a whole new things to actually write out what I want!  I can't remember exactly what I said, but I was able to express that I was looking to get into bed with both of them, without clothes, and I tried my best not to be coy.  (Remember that I am naturally shy.)

"Cool, let me go ask 'soandso'", he answers.

I wait, then I wait a little more.  I wait a half hour, a full hour, all day.  It was actually only a few minutes, but it felt much much longer.  My heart is pounding so loudly that I can't really hear what is going on in the office.

"Soandso says that he is not in the mood." What the....   "He says that he really wants to get fucked."

Apparently, whatever I said, I said it in a way that gave him the impression I was not willing to stick my dick in an ass.  Seriously, I was like....   I don't even know.

This interaction became the subject of my very first blog post.  I simply could not except that I had finally did something more than just think about doing something, only to get shut down.  I tried, in vain, to get something going with two other guys that I was chatting up pretty regularly, but nothing.

In hindsight, all of this was good for me.  I proved to myself that I could take that next step, which gave me the courage to finally take it.  (Admittedly it took longer than some of my readers liked)  I proved to myself that I was not a chicken.  I was fully committed to driving over to their house, and jumping into bed with not one, but two men, one of whom I'd never even chatted with.  But I was glad that it didn't happen.  I think my actual first time experience was exactly what I needed.  And, I have yet to stick my dick in an ass.

1 comment:

  1. Isn't is strange how something that seems so good at the moment but really isn't still works out in the end? Glad to read that you can process this. I'm kind of in the same situation, married, with a guy I have e-mailed for the past six months and occasionally dined, who has come out and asked me what it would take for me to cross the line with him. Being only straight or only gay is no longer an option.