The new job is stressful. I have taken on responsibilities that not only are new and different than what I am used to, but are not exactly a match for my personality and behavior. You see, I am not an aggressive person. I am not a dominant person. On a DISC analysis, I would rank as a "High S". S is for steadiness. High S's are known for being patient, predictable, consistent, deliberate, steady and stable. My second descriptor would be I, I is for Influencing. Main characteristics for my "I" are trusting and sociable. Basically, I like to serve, I like to be helpful, and I am trusting. I actually like these things about me. But, my new job is in sales. Worse than that, my new job is in managing sales reps. Characteristics that are helpful for people in my line of work are demanding, driving, ambitious, determined, aggressive, competitive and venturesome. These are characteristics of a High D, D is for Dominance. Characteristics that describe my dominance are conservative, calculating, hesitant and low-keyed. Can you see where I might have a problem?
I thought things would be different at this point in my life, in my marriage. Given more than 10 years of marriage, and almost another decade of courtship prior to that, my wife and I should be able to endure anything that comes our way with ease. Right? Why, then, is it so difficult to have a simple conversation about budgeting our money? Why, then, can't I tell her that I do not agree with her reactions to things that our dog does, or to the things that our son does? Why is communication so fraking difficult? I want so much for my family. I do not want to live where we are living longer than we need to. I do not want to continue living from check to check, worrying about how we are going to pay the rent. I want to provide everything the world has to offer for my son. I want my family to be comfortable, where our only worry is how we can best help our neighbors, friends and family. Why can't I express any this with any eloquence to my wife?
A midst all of this, there is still my secret. My bisexuality is not a secret from my wife, but my willingness to act on it is, my history of acting on it is as well. All of our struggles have pushed this part of me to the back burner, but it hasn't turned off the flame. The reality is that I am too busy and too stressed and too depressed to do anything about it. I went down this road, crossed this line, with the idea that one day I would be able to live this part of my life, too, out in the open. Maybe not to the general public, but to those I care about the most. To my wife. We were supposed to be on a path to a healthier relationship. We're not, and I am not sure what I can do about it. Certainly, I must bridge this communication gap. How exactly do I do that? The realization that my ideal state is that much further away, perhaps completely out of my grasp, is contributing to my depression.
I write this post today not to explain my lack of blogging. In the end, I write for me. One thing that I have learned in life is that writing gives me clarity. Sometimes, it even gives me therapy. I am not asking for answers, although I have found many in this community and for that I will always be grateful. I am not asking for anything. I am only using this space to bare a piece of me that needed to be bared.