Wednesday, May 22, 2013

BLM: Losing Control

This is a repost of something I wrote for BLM, originally posted on January 18th, 2013.  

For the first time ever, I was concerned about losing control. I couldn't have been more than two feet behind him. I was sitting in one of those uncomfortable chairs they have in conference halls, sitting around one of those round tables that seats about 10 each. Our chairs were turned, towards the front of the room, at an angle that put the guy in front of me literally between my legs. And I was worried about losing control. I was worried that I was going to forget myself and reach forward to wrap my arms around his waist. I saw myself nuzzling my nose and lips into the nape of his neck as I ran one of my hands down to his crotch. Then I mentally slapped myself, to keep from being made a complete fool.

I was attending a business meeting in another state. In all, 30 or 40 of us were there from all around the country. These were my colleagues, people who held the same position as me, and I've never met any of them. The meeting was scheduled to last for two days, and I arrived in the city the night before. I spent a little time in my hotel room looking up online some of the people I might be meeting. I came across a photo of a guy on LinkedIn that caught my eye. The guy was hot! The photo was obviously professionally done, much better than the usual profile pic. But that's not what made the guy hot. It was the dark hair, blue eyes, chiseled jaw, slight smile. I could tell he was tall, though probably not as tall as me. I like 'em tall. He was my age, which honestly is older than what usually catches my eye. But I never really thought that I would meet the guy. I didn't have any clue as to who was going to be at this meeting. But a little wishful dreaming never hurt, right? 

I was dumbfounded when he walked into the meeting hall the next morning. He looked every bit as good as his profile photo. It took me a minute or two to realize I was staring, but I don't think he noticed. After the initial shock I was able to collect myself and regain a little composure. Then a little while after that, I was actually able to push myself outside my comfort zone.  I walked up and introduced myself. He was polite, shook my hand and all the normal stuff. Parts of me started to stir when he smiled. He had an awesome smile.

He had a tagalong, another guy that followed my guy around every where he went. Tagalong was good looking too, in his own right, but not anywhere in the same league. My guy (Yes, for the duration of the trip he was "my guy") obviously knew he was hot, but he didn't come off as stuck up or full of himself. He just had an air of confidence, he knew he could have anything or anyone he wanted. In my fantasies, he had everyone he wanted. In my fantasies, Tagalong even got a little action too. 

Despite my crush, I behaved. I behaved throughout that day's meeting. I behaved at the NBA game later on that evening. I did not behave, however, in my dreams that night, and I was struggling to behave myself the next morning. I was sitting there in the middle of a room filled with people, and I had to interlock my fingers together to keep from "accidentally" giving him a shoulder message. I had to keep shifting my focus away so that I wouldn't accidentally pull his head back and kiss him on the mouth. I doubt I made any impression on him. I was just another colleague in the crowd. I never got the impression that he liked to play with men, except that Tagalong was always just a little too close and a little too happy. I could just be projecting, though. I've never struggled so much to control myself before. I've never been so afraid of doing something completely stupid. Sure, I've lusted after friends and colleagues before, and fantasized about a few. But this was the first time in my life I feared losing myself.

I'm ashamed to admit that I still look at his profile picture from time to time. And I am sure that he knows it, because this particular social media service reports that information.  I wonder what he thinks of that. The future will hold many more chances for me to make a fool of myself, I am sure. We are colleagues after all, and despite that we live and work on opposite coasts I can come up with many excuses to interact.

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