Wednesday, May 29, 2013

BLM: The Decision

This is a repost of something I wrote for BLM, originally posted on January 25th, 2013. 

I've known my whole life that I'm attracted to men, and women, but more so men. As a kid, going through my dad's extensive porn magazine collection, my favorites were Penthouse because they showed pictures of men.  Penthouse letters were even better.  I've known my whole life, at least that part of my life worth remembering.  But I never acted on it (until recently).  For most of my life, the most I had ever done to explore this side of my sexuality was to write about it.  I wrote in my own private journals about the boys I had crushed on in High School.  And I wrote x-rated short stories. I wrote to men I found on online.

You would think I would be a prime candidate for one of those situations where boys fool around with each other.  But no, I never sought or was presented with the opportunity to explore, unless you count an extremely awkward experience with a neighborhood kid when I was 5.  No tomfoolery in the locker room, no fun on camping trips, no sleepovers.  I am shy.  My whole life I've been shy.  I don't know why.  It is not necessarily a trait common in my family.  Maybe it was because I was constantly moving around growing up, so I never had a steady group of friends.  Maybe it was my homosexual side causing insecurities.  Maybe it was my heterosexual side confusing my homosexual side.  I just don't know.

I can't tell you the exhilaration I felt when I made the decision to finally explore that side of myself.  Keep in mind, I had no plans, no opportunities, and I was married and in love.  All that changed was my resolve and my determination.  Just that decision alone got my heart pumping. Every time I thought about what I had decided to do, my heart started pumping.  I reconciled my mixed feelings on longing, guilt, and fear (at least for the moment).

Technology certainly played it's part.  The advent of new mobile apps such as Grindr made it extremely easy to find guys.  By the time I downloaded Grindr, I already had a couple of ongoing, online, conversations with men I found in other parts of the world.  Chatting online was my release.  Sexting, emailing, etc.  But these guys were safe, because they were at least hundreds of miles away.  There was absolutely no chance of accepting an invitation to hookup.  Grindr changed that.  When I began chatting with guys on Grindr, they were in my own backyard.  The invitations were real. I really could just slip away for an hour or two and fulfill my fantasies.  Even still, I was on Grindr for months before making the decision to act.  The conversations were more exciting, because the possibilities were more real.  I didn't actually think I was going to act on them though.

The day I made the decision to act changed everything.  Every chat on Grindr had the added excitement of a real opportunity. Every invitation got my pulse racing, and my dick throbbing.  I remember one guy, who was working at a bank next to the grocery store where I was currently shopping, begged me to stop by for a few minutes before going back home.  That chat forced me to hide my erection behind the shopping cart the entire shopping trip.  I downloaded other apps, Growlr and Scruff.  I began responding to ads on craiglists a little too.

I didn't meet the guy at the bank.  Those of you who followed my blog know that even after I made the decision, it still took me quite a bit of time to muster up the courage to actually act.  I enjoyed riding the wave of my new found thrill, chatting with real possibilities.  Every time I left my house, to go to work, to go to the store, I turned on those apps to see what real possibilities were out there.  Just making The Decision to act, not now, but at some point in the future satiated my desires.  Even if just for a short time.

1 comment:

  1. Damn. That sounds like a carbon copy of what I went through. Before I had access to porn I would look at the Jockey underwear ads in Sports Illustrated. I also never had an opportunity to explore as a kid. It wasn't until technology made it too easy that I ever tried anything. I've been enjoying the blog and reading your stories.