It's obnoxious how hard it is for me to make a move. I've always been a shy person, basically incapable to starting conversations with strangers, making phone calls, you name it. I don't have any problems online, for the obvious reasons. But when it comes down to actually putting myself out there, I freeze. I've taken everyone's advice to heart. I think I know what it is I am getting in to. I actually feel comfortable with a couple of guys with whom I've been chatting with online. I certainly don't hear any warning bells or alarms going off. So, why can't I make this happen?
Last week I wrote about a guy who wanted me to come over. That next morning after that post, I was determined to go to his house, to get my first blow job from a guy. I paid extra attention to cleaning myself in the shower, trimmed up the area down there, put on clothes that make me look good, and headed off. I had his phone number, and since he was about 45 minutes away, I was gonna give him a call on the road. I basically had an open invitation, so I knew that all I needed to do to get this party started was call. Nothing. I dialed my phone, but was not able to press the last button. I hung up, waiting a few minutes, and tried again. Still nothing. I must have partially dialed his number 5 times. One time, I dialed the whole number and hit "send", then immediately hung up. What a basket case!
When I got to work, I logged onto to Grindr. He wasn't on, but I sent him a message, "I chickened out".
Later that day, we chatted for a few minutes on Grindr. He was very understanding and gracious. He still encouraged me to come by, when I was ready.
I repeated that whole episode this morning! Seriously, what is wrong with me.
It's not guilt, I am sure of that. It's fear. Not a fear of the guy being an axe murderer, or worse. It's the same fear that I've dealt with my whole life. I'm a good looking guy, at least my mom tells me so. But I've never taken the initiative to make something happen with a dude. That's what I am determined to correct now, or, eventually, maybe someday...
On the one hand take your time, not rush things.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, hit send button, and make the connection and finally get your nut on with another guy. Your nor getting any younger, so do it now .
The odd thing is that what ever your choice is, you won't regret it.
The fear is perhaps not so much about making "something happen with a dude" than about what you might discover about yourself and the kind of changes it would bring into your life. You are at a crossroad. Talking about your situation with a good therapist could help. In the meantime, respect and make friend with your fear; but listen to what your heart says. You are a thoughtful and courageous man, not a looser.
ReplyDeletegood advice from amtop and andre. you need to put a name and a face to this fear. you seem to know what it's not. but what is it? i think andre is close to it. you're afraid the experience will forever change you. listen jay, if (and that's a big if) you have a phenomenal experience (unlikely) you're not going to ditch your life and run off and become superqueen. ain't gonna happen. ur not going to leave your wife and hit the bars. one experience isn't going to convince you of anything. it doesn't happen that way. so just do it.
ReplyDeletecheers!
I am at a crossroad, I believe that to be true. But, I feel, I understand where each road will take me. I could be naive, but I feel I have a pretty good idea about the possible outcomes. Rugbysex is right, I am not going to ditch my life and all of a sudden be someone new, someone else. I am who I am, and I love my wife, my life.
ReplyDeleteI good therapist would help, and that's a good idea. I little difficult to pull off, but a good idea. I believe this fear to be more of a social awkwardness then a fear of the future. I've always wanted to explore that more. I am a nostalgic person by nature, and would revel in the chance to talk about my childhood and upbringing.
"Loser", André? Who said Loser? Haha, j/k. I know I'm not a loser. I'm actually proud of who I am, what I've accomplished in life, and of the life that I have.
Amtop, there is choice that I would regret, letting this fear get the better of me. If I choose to do nothing because that's what is best for me, so be it. But if I choose to do nothing because I'm afraid, I regret that forever.
I love you guys, thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts!
My advice; find someone closer, and don't make friends with the guy first.
ReplyDeleteDon't give yourself a 40 minute drive to chicken out.
Like you I was scared as fuck, for MONTHS I e-mailed guys, but in the end it was someone fairly close, and whom I'd only had a few back and forth e-mails within a 15 hour period.
Maybe the anonymity helped, at least for me.
Of course we're all different, and we all have different desires, and expectations, but I know one thing for sure, fear of the unknown is the biggest fear of all. After you have the first one under your belt (so to speak) it gets easier....MUCH easier.
p.s. somewhat off topic. if you've never jumped nekid, it's something you should try. take ur wife. it's a hoot. just be sure you have a soft landing. you can get some nasty brushburns. LOL. Jack had some good practical advice. sometimes it's best not to overthink things. are you near a gay healthclub or bathhouse? how about a masseur who provides happy endings. your first time doesn't have to be a CL hook-up IF another scenario would make you feel more comfortable.
ReplyDeletecheers!
I found the non friend hookups to be easy because of no further expectaions. I think rugby's masseur idea would be a good choice. Down the road, the therpist idea makes sence since your sexual orientation leans more towerd men. This could be a real problem for you as a married man once you experience sex with a man. Tread carefully.
ReplyDeleteI've thought about masseurs. Expensive, but maybe worth it? Any of you guys gotten an erotic message?
ReplyDeleteIf I were a chick, I would be so pissed at how my tits looked when I was sky diving nekid. LOL. Jay, I sympathize with how you feel, but at some point you're going to have to shit or get off the pot. Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm in a similar situation and just made the decision to go for it and take the plunge. I finally realized that the love I was looking for with another man wasn't gonna happen anytime soon and the sex I craved had to happen soon or I was going to go crazy. Is being married a factor or is it all about your fear? Just curious and I really am sensitive to hard this is for you. Relax, babe.
ReplyDeleteMM
Hey miracleman, I love that you call everyone babe! My marriage is certainly a factor, but not in this fear. I'm determined to do this! It's just a matter of when.
ReplyDeletenever pd. for a massage w/ a happy ending. there was quite a lot of talk about it on str8jock. chk. it out or send scott an email. only problem w/ the massage or any activity that involves money in exchange for sex is it's illegal and so you have to worry about that. if money is no issue you could hire a rent boy. i'm sure there are guys who could give you pointers about that. still think a CL hook-up w/ a face to face meeting b4hand is the best way to go. but don't stretch it out. listen to what explorer jack said. find some one, exchange a FEW emails to work out the details, meet in a public place and then do it. don't make a big production of it and move it along quickly. you've GOT to get our of your big head and into your other one. you're overthinking this way too much.
ReplyDeletecheers!
Since you are determined to go for it, call the dude that gave you the open invitation and as NIKE says"Just DO It. Take time and enjoy--will be the hottest BJ you've ever had. I still think of my first one.
ReplyDeleteThe thing about fear is that once you confront it, it recedes. The more you discount its effects on you the less you have to fear. I've gone from a nervous wreak with a guy, to having casual conversations while playing with my cock.
ReplyDeleteFear is there to help you make sound decisions, and should never be totally gone or discounted, just don't let fear make the decisions for you.