Tuesday, July 12, 2011
You don't need a parachute to skydive
It's obnoxious how hard it is for me to make a move. I've always been a shy person, basically incapable to starting conversations with strangers, making phone calls, you name it. I don't have any problems online, for the obvious reasons. But when it comes down to actually putting myself out there, I freeze. I've taken everyone's advice to heart. I think I know what it is I am getting in to. I actually feel comfortable with a couple of guys with whom I've been chatting with online. I certainly don't hear any warning bells or alarms going off. So, why can't I make this happen?
Last week I wrote about a guy who wanted me to come over. That next morning after that post, I was determined to go to his house, to get my first blow job from a guy. I paid extra attention to cleaning myself in the shower, trimmed up the area down there, put on clothes that make me look good, and headed off. I had his phone number, and since he was about 45 minutes away, I was gonna give him a call on the road. I basically had an open invitation, so I knew that all I needed to do to get this party started was call. Nothing. I dialed my phone, but was not able to press the last button. I hung up, waiting a few minutes, and tried again. Still nothing. I must have partially dialed his number 5 times. One time, I dialed the whole number and hit "send", then immediately hung up. What a basket case!
When I got to work, I logged onto to Grindr. He wasn't on, but I sent him a message, "I chickened out".
Later that day, we chatted for a few minutes on Grindr. He was very understanding and gracious. He still encouraged me to come by, when I was ready.
I repeated that whole episode this morning! Seriously, what is wrong with me.
It's not guilt, I am sure of that. It's fear. Not a fear of the guy being an axe murderer, or worse. It's the same fear that I've dealt with my whole life. I'm a good looking guy, at least my mom tells me so. But I've never taken the initiative to make something happen with a dude. That's what I am determined to correct now, or, eventually, maybe someday...