Sunday, July 3, 2011

Now that I have found my voice....

What the hell do I want to say?  The pressure is on now.  I have readers, I've actually gotten somebody's attention.  I had so much to say before.  Now that I have actually stepped up to the mic, and the spotlight is on, my mind is blank.

When I set out to do this, I was looking for a way of expressing my desires, my needs, myself.  I have always been attracted to men, as well as women, for as long as I can remember.  For most of my life, my only outlet was online porn and gay erotica.  Recently, I started putting myself out there a little more.  First, I responded to ads on craigslist.  I had no intention of actually hooking up, but I did strike up an email conversation with a couple of guys.  Those were fulfilling, for a short time.  I learned quickly that these guys didn't have much patience for endless emails.

Last year, I created a fake Facebook profile.  I was able to reinvent myself and chat up guys across the country, even around the world.  I developed friendships with a couple, and let them see a little bit more of the real me.  Again, that was fulfilling, but only for a short time.  One of these friendships began to resemble a "committed" relationship.  If I wasn't online at the certain time in the day, I knew I would have to explain myself later.  When I got a guilt trip for deciding to spend a night with my wife, instead of my online "friend", I knew I was in too deep.  When Facebook killed my profile, for posting nude photos, I didn't bother to create a new one.  Without Facebook, my friend and I only had email to keep us connected, which quickly waned.  I still chat with him from time to time.  But I am careful to not let it be anything more than a pen pal.

A little while later came Grindr.  I can be anybody I want on any given day.  Since chattin' on Grindr, I've decided that I will hook up with a guy one day,  and in the not too distant future.  Of course, every time I even imagine it, my heart starts pounding and I get sick to my stomach.  But I get excited too, very excited.

Which leads me to blogging.  Deciding to keep going forward felt like a milestone in my life.  I had made up my mind to do something that had the potential to alter my life permanently.  But, there was no one to share it with.  I certainly couldn't tell my wife.  I'd already cut off ties to my Facebook friends.  I needed a place to share, a place to express myself.  So I blogged.  I thought, "Hey, if no one reads it then no harm done".  Writing is therapeutic for me, and I would be left with something that I could reflect on.  Proof of my journey.  But if people do read it, guys like me, then I will be a part of a community and I won't be alone.

Scott said that blogging keeps him out of trouble.  I understand what he meant.  Since starting this, I have thought more about what I wanted to write than I have about which guy I am going to meet up with first.  But there's an unforeseen side effect.  Now that I am thinking about what to write, I've been thinking that I need something to write about.  I'd better hurry and find a dick to suck so that I can tell the world about it!  LOL!


  1. scott once remarked he needed to do some "field research" for str8jock. of course, he was only kidding. that would be putting the cart b4 the horse. ha!

    interesting and daring post. cyberspace is a remarkable environment. cop a hot photo, make-up a fake studly profile and voila...create ur own reality. suddenly you've got cyber sex and romance to your heart's delight. only problem w/ that is it quickly dissapates into the ether. it ain't real. so many guys live quiet lives of desperation. they turn to the net to live out lives they WISH they had. that's cool. just remember what's real and what's not.

    i'm pretty happy w/ my reality so apart from the fictitious alias, i haven't wanted to create one. my reality is real enuf. i've lived in a 100% str8 world. the only gay dudes i knew (until the internet) were the ones i took to bed. thanx to the web, i've met some genuinely good guys...guys like me. that's meant a lot.

    go, explore at ur own speed. we're along for the ride. kudos for remembering the blog ain't for's for YOU!

  2. Pay attention to Monsieur Rugby Sex. He has been a loyal fan and friend and knows from whence he speaks. He turned me on to your blog. Remember why you started this journey and stay true to it because there be alligators ahead.


  3. Funny, 'cuz I just posted, "remember that at the end of the day, this is YOUR blog and YOUR story." Rugbysex is spot on!

    It's also fascinating how the Internet has changed our lives. How we're able to anonymously create alter-egos... or better yet, actually find our lives and our other voices. Jay, take your time. And just be you. Do you. Don't be pressured to do or say anything that you're not yet ready to share. No matter what, we're here to to support you.

    Oh- a few days ago, we opened this poll about the Internet "then and now". Check out the responses so far. Quite telling.

    Unlike Scott, I've found that instead of keeping me out of trouble, the Internet has allowed me to really discover, uncover and tap into the multiple sides of myself. And for that I'm grateful. Otherwise, I'd still be the closeted Christian boy that was indoctrinated via Catholic boarding schools.