Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Not Str8

This isn't merely a curiosity for me, my exploration into man on man sex.  I've known for most of my life that I've been attracted to men.  I'm attracted to women as well.  I met my wife very shortly after high school, and fell in love, got married.

My attraction to men caused me to doubt myself, my sexuality, for many years.  It made me force the woman I love to wait 7 years before finally getting married.  There were times, during my early teens, late teens, early twenties, when I was convinced that I was gay.  Reality is that I am who I am, regardless of the label I choose, or you choose, to put on me.  Intellectually, I've always known that.  But otherwise, it took some time to come to terms.

Obviously my own feelings and my own experiences have shaped my perspective.  I've never been able to truly understand why there is so much hate towards homosexuality.  Or why a person should feel ashamed, feel hate at themselves, for have homosexual feelings.  I am pretty open to everything, and I guess that makes me lucky.

My own doubts weren't because I didn't like myself, or couldn't own up to being gay.  I've always known that my family and friends would support me if I chose to come out.  The real obstacle for me was my shyness.  I just had a hard time meeting new people.  And, in my earlier life, it was impossible to hit on anyone.  Once I was friends with someone, I was outgoing, funny, sarcastic, etc.  But until then, I did what I could to be invisible.  The girls I've dated, and the one I married, were much more outgoing than I was.  If I met a confident gay man who pursued me, who knows how different my life may be today.  But, that doesn't mean I love my wife any less.

I was worried that I wasn't being completely honest myself, especially since I was in a committed straight relationship.  My biggest fear was that I would eventually lose my attraction to women and have to hurt my girlfriend, now wife.  My fear was more about the possibility of letting her down.  As I've grown older, I've learned again, that I am what I am.  Definitely not straight, most of the time not gay.  Just me.


  1. what i find amazing (but apparently it's rather commonplace), is that during all those years of indecision, you never once tried anything w/ a man.

  2. I was married sixteen years befor I allowed myself to experience sex with a man. Allways wanted too but couldn't because of wife, kids, and job. I have had lots of man sex since though now that the kids are grown, jobs changed. Relationship with the wife isn't what it used to be though but still hanging together.

  3. Jay,

    What grabs me is the introspective, genuine, honest and the sensitive voice with which you speak. If we could all only know our true selves that way.

    When I first started my blog, my intention was for it to merely be a platform for me to discuss a range of topics (from war and peace to theatre and design). It was not long before I, too, found a voice that I had secretly kept hidden. Today, T3NL is my platform for the more sexual me. A side of me that is crazy-alive today. And the blog gave voice to this important side of me.

    In a similar fashion, in the weeks and months and years to come, I am sure that "Bi Crossing the Line" will be that space where you figure things out. You will go left and you will go right. But at the end of the day, remember to just be -- you.

    Warm hugs,


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