Eccentricities

I often am caught off guard by the eccentricity of my blog subscriptions. I subscribe to a fair number of NSFW gay porn blogs or tumblr sites. I will take advantage of every spare moment I get alone by quickly flicking through various posts.  Most of these are just a simple, but arousing, photo.  Many just pass by, but I mark the few that really stand out so that I can save them. They may end up in a post of my own. Or I may never look at it again.

Lately I've seen a big jump in the number of animated GIFs of some porn scene.  These are fun to look at, but I rarely save them for later.

Although I am a closeted bisexual man, I do not hide my support for equal rights issues.  I have volunteered at a local NOH8 photo shoot.  I will proclaim loudly my support for marriage equality, It Get's Better, and various other causes.

So, here's the eccentric part.  I have two blogger accounts, this one and another that I would actually admit to owning.  I spend most of my time in this one.  As a matter of convenience, I subscribe to a number of blogs that are not your average porn site.  These are the more uplifting, let's-make-the-world-a-better-place type sites. This is how I get my news on all things socially-conscious related, who's out of the closet, who's supporting gay rights, who's not.  I get to see things that really move me, like this video for "Same Love" from Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.  These things, which make me feel proud of what I belief and the little part I play in the world, end up landing right smack in the middle of a picture of a hot guy naked on a beach, and another of two or three hot guys fucking.

At it's most eccentric, and hypocritical, I will read a story about someone's struggle with coming out as gay, their issues with body image, and how they rose above it all, right after viewing a string a pictures of tanned muscled guys (probably airbrushed) that literally make me drool. Is there something wrong with this?

First Blog Anniversary

I wasn't even paying attention and my first blog anniversary passed me by.  Guess it's what I get for not giving enough to this as of late.  I can't believe that more than a year has passed by since my first post.  I can't believe that a year and two months ago, I had yet to experience sex with a man.  A year ago July, I had yet to "cross the line".  A year ago July, all I could think about was getting a dick into my mouth for the first time, getting my dick into another guy's mouth for the first time.  It occupied almost every moment of every day. It's crazy how things can change, and how much they stay the same.

I'd be lying if I said that I no longer thought about it.  You all know the truth.  The drive to find a guy willing to have sex with me has dwindled abit.  But the amount of time I spending thinking about sex with men? Not so much.  My collection of pics and porn continues to grow.  As things in my life begin to normalize, slightly, I even start thinking about writing again.

I am no where closer to figuring out how all of this fits into my everyday life, or if it ever will.  Ideally, I'd like to not have to sneak around in order to get my fix.  Ideally, I'd fine that one friend (with benefits) that I wouldn't have to hide.  Who knows?  Not me.

In my last post I wrote about how men are slaves to their own biological, or chemical, sexual need.  Coincidentally, I am taking a psychology class that, so far, has confirmed my earlier claims.  I feel that need building in myself again.  Intellectually, I realize that by focusing on satisfying a sexual need gives me a way of procrastinating on every other aspect of my life that needs to be sorted out.  But that's just intellectually, and I don't really care.  I suspect that I will have a new experience to write about in the near future.  And I am curious to find out with whom...

Chemistry

Sex is the biggest clue that we are all really driven by chemistry.  It does not matter what you believe, if you believe in a higher power, in a higher purpose, or in a soul.  There is absolutely no denying how much of our actions and how much of our personality comes down to chemistry.  Whatever we are, we are inextricably tied to our bodies.

Maybe the effect is more powerful for men.  Not being a woman, I can't really speak for them.  What I know is this.  Once I have sex on my mind, I can't shake it.  More specifically, once I start to think about meeting a guy for the purposes of sex, I cannot stop thinking about it.  I start to reach out to guys.  I start to plan.  I start to figure out how I am going to cover my tracks.  More often than not, in my limited experience, opportunity and timing seem to fall into place easily.  Sometimes it takes no time at all.  Sometimes it takes days.  Inevitably, I get what I want. I am fortunate that lately months will pass in between these occurrences.

It's when the "date" is over that I realize how much of a slave to chemistry I really am.  The last time, which is only one of two since the last time I blogged, I planned for 5 days.  It took 5 days to make contact with an old acquaintance, to set a day and time, and to finally meet.  The meeting itself only lasted 45 minutes.  When I was walking away, back to my car, I found myself wondering why it was so important to me. I honestly can't think of why I so badly needed to make this happen.  What drove me to go out of my way, way out of my way, to meet someone for only a few moments.

Chemistry is the only explanation. The fact that I was suffering from a particular type of desire that I could not fulfill any other way.  Once that desire was satiated, I no longer had those feelings.  In the beginning of my journey, I was reacting to decades of building desire.  I guess I should count myself lucky that it only took a few secret meetings with 3 separate men to have those desires quelled.  Well, at least temporarily quelled.  And, for a time, I felt fulfilled with just the one life I had at home.  But, unfortunately, chemistry kicks in and those desires again begin to build.  They build until ultimately I feel the need to act on them.  Once my "big head" is control again, I realize the futility of it all.  If only my "big head" could stay in control all the time.

The desire I felt walking away from that last encounter was the to share this thought with all of you.  I do not know if I have explained it well, this thought.  This is the first real desire to write in months.  I miss interacting with this community, and I miss chatting with the friends I have made by blogging.  I life is in the middle of major changes, which I won't bore you with.  All I can say is hopefully this re-discovered desire to blog lasts.

Something to Talk About

People always tell me, one person in particular, that I should write about whatever, not just about sex.  To be honest, this is something that I've struggled with.  I haven't had any man on man sex lately, so I haven't written a lot for this blog.  I started this blog with one intention, my journal of my ventures crossing the line into sex with men.

Sure, I've got a lot to say.  I'm actually one of those opinionated, know-it-all types, but in a good way.  LOL.  Writing about something other than sex with men, or my thoughts on sex with men, or my looking for sex with men, (what was I going to say?  oh yeah) would change the purpose and tone of my blog.  Obviously it's my blog, and I can do what I want with it.  I just haven't been able to decide if I want it to change.

I could write about politics.  Because, you know, there aren't enough people out there writing about politics.  I know that you all want to hear my liberal, free thinking point of view.  I could write about my causes.  Despite being a mostly closeted, married, bisexual, I am also an avid supporter of the NOH8 campaign.  I've volunteered at a photo shoot in the past, and my own NOH8 photo was plastered all over my Facebook wall.  I could write about religion.  I am not particularly religious, and I don't belong to any denomination.  My thoughts on religion and the universe tend to a bit out there, and I generally look to theories in science for evidence more than I do faith.

I won't write about my family, any more than to say that I have one.  This being a secret blog, I know that giving away details about my wife and family on the Internet would be yet another huge betrayal.  Which means, also, that I won't write about the other half of being bisexual, sex with women, in any detail.  Since my experiences with sex with women are limited to sex with my wife.

I am actually quite proud of this blog, and quite fond of it's readers.  On many occasions I've wanted to share my little bit of success here with the one person whom I share everything, my wife.  I can't, obviously.  And I think that if I started blogging about something other than sex with men, I will have more of an urge to share it with her.  What if this blog turns into a place where I share my thought on life, the universe (or multi-verse) and everything, and it becomes wildly popular.  I'd never get to share it, unless I deleted all my posts up to now and hired a contract killer to take care of my regular readers.  That doesn't seem very reasonable, you think?

I read a great many blogs.  When I come across one where a blogger bears her/her soul, I always feel honored for being allowed to read it.  I bear my soul, just on this one subject only.  Maybe I will start writing about more, I don't know.  Maybe I will just keep complaining about not having a lot to write about, because I know you'll love that.  Maybe I will just go out and find another guy to suck my dick so that we can get back to what's really important!

:)

Is Honesty the Best Policy?

Mack ask the question, is honesty the best policy?  Jack's last post went into detail on the subject.  I won't pretend to know the answer.  I can only speak to what I have done, and how I feel.

My wife knows me better than anyone else in this world.  Better, despite the secrets that I have confessed to all of you.  She knows that I am bisexual, although that is a relatively new term in our conversations.  She knows that I am attracted to men.  We even lust after some of the same guys.  She is open, non-judgmental, accepting of the whole matter.  So why, after being lucky enough to marry such a wonderful person, would I decide to go about my explorations this way?  Well, it's because of all the other "truths".  It's all of the other things that she knows that I cannot stand the idea of her doubting.  Because knowing that I needed to experience sex with a man will redoubtably cause her to doubt her worth to me.  It would cause the pain that Jack mentioned his wife going through.  And that is undeserved, that is unfair.  This is my burden, not hers.  It doesn't change how much I love her, anything that I have ever said to her, or my commitment to our relationship and our lives.  Except that maybe our relationship is stronger not that I am able to focus more of myself towards it.

That's not to say that I will never tell her.  I consider it often, and all the consequences and ramifications.  I may one day come clean.  I may one day figure out a way to include her in my future explorations, without digging up past ones.  I may quit exploring all together and let that part die.  Who knows?  I only know what I know today.  Many will vehemently disagree that I am doing right, and I cannot argue that I am.  But with two "wrongs" in front of me, I am choosing the least harmful one for now.  I know that coming clean today will cause irreparable harm.  I don't think coming clean would end our marriage, however I don't have the confidence that Jack spoke of before telling him wife.  It would most certainly change our marriage, possibly for the better but most likely for the worst.

Honesty is important to me, as both Mack and Jack have said it is for them.  Despite my deception, I strive to always be honest.  I am not lying to my wife about how much I love her, or about what I want out of life.  I am not lying about how important she is to me, or what I wouldn't do for her, nothing.  These truths are more important to me.  And if I could have resisted the urges I had, I would have.  Ironically, I found that trying to resist those urges was having a much larger effect on our marriage than giving in.

How serendipitous that, just as I was about to post this I see a quote posted by miracleman on Morning Rain Shower.  "The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... I can resist everything but temptation." by Oscar Wilde.

Break's over. I need a blowjob!

It's been a while, in more ways than one.  Last month I wrote about how I'd taken a break from my pursuit of men.  I was no longer constantly browsing on Grindr or Growlr.  I wasn't spending my time searching out that random hookup.  Today that's still true.  I accomplished what I set out to do, so I decided to take step back and enjoy life.  It's been great!  But there's one downside; I'm in need of a nice, long, powerful blowjob like only a man can give.

Thoughts of men aren't running rampant through my mind like they once did.  I spoken before of the pendulum swing my sexuality takes between men and women.  I believed that it was frozen on the men side mostly because men was the one that I hadn't had, couldn't have.  And since I've crossed that line, the pendulum has been allowed to swing back a little ways.  I still think about having sex with men.  Maybe even daily.  But it's not keeping from being productive at work or attentive at home.

Lately, the last few days, I've been dreaming about blowjobs.  Not the kind I get at home, which are pretty good.  But the kind that I've gotten from M, or from the first guy, with just the right amount of suction and motion, that result in a mind-altering orgasm.  So here's my dilemma, do I go back out in search of the random hookup?  Or, how do I go about finding that one guy, the one buddy, that can fulfill my needs on a more regular basis?  I'd once hoped that M would be that guy, but that just didn't seem to work out.