Maybe the effect is more powerful for men. Not being a woman, I can't really speak for them. What I know is this. Once I have sex on my mind, I can't shake it. More specifically, once I start to think about meeting a guy for the purposes of sex, I cannot stop thinking about it. I start to reach out to guys. I start to plan. I start to figure out how I am going to cover my tracks. More often than not, in my limited experience, opportunity and timing seem to fall into place easily. Sometimes it takes no time at all. Sometimes it takes days. Inevitably, I get what I want. I am fortunate that lately months will pass in between these occurrences.It's when the "date" is over that I realize how much of a slave to chemistry I really am. The last time, which is only one of two since the last time I blogged, I planned for 5 days. It took 5 days to make contact with an old acquaintance, to set a day and time, and to finally meet. The meeting itself only lasted 45 minutes. When I was walking away, back to my car, I found myself wondering why it was so important to me. I honestly can't think of why I so badly needed to make this happen. What drove me to go out of my way, way out of my way, to meet someone for only a few moments.
Chemistry is the only explanation. The fact that I was suffering from a particular type of desire that I could not fulfill any other way. Once that desire was satiated, I no longer had those feelings. In the beginning of my journey, I was reacting to decades of building desire. I guess I should count myself lucky that it only took a few secret meetings with 3 separate men to have those desires quelled. Well, at least temporarily quelled. And, for a time, I felt fulfilled with just the one life I had at home. But, unfortunately, chemistry kicks in and those desires again begin to build. They build until ultimately I feel the need to act on them. Once my "big head" is control again, I realize the futility of it all. If only my "big head" could stay in control all the time.The desire I felt walking away from that last encounter was the to share this thought with all of you. I do not know if I have explained it well, this thought. This is the first real desire to write in months. I miss interacting with this community, and I miss chatting with the friends I have made by blogging. I life is in the middle of major changes, which I won't bore you with. All I can say is hopefully this re-discovered desire to blog lasts.
Good to read your reflections. But why the conclusion about futility. Why not go with it all and be the chemistry that we are?
ReplyDeleteYeah, good point. I guess I should have clarified that the feeling of futility is yet another result of chemistry. It is the feeling I had while walking away. It is not how I feel, generally.
DeleteReally having sex keep mind fresh and energetic. nice post about bisexual .
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about this being a force that takes us over. The research shows men are much more wired than women to be stimulated up to hundreds of times a day by seeing or imagining someone we want to touch and have sexual contact with. According to the Scientific American we are wired to masturbate several times a week, even if we are in a sexual relationship with someone. So these animal urges are beyond our control. What we do control is whether and how we react to these impulses.
ReplyDeleteYou describe well the way it triggers a kind of search and plan and connect drive if one is not already with the lover or partner or wife we turn our sexual attentions to. And that "hunt" for a sexual mate that has hundreds of thousands of men on-line looking to make a hookup has its own compulsive thrill. We seem also wired to hunt and chase and go after what we want with astounding intensity, and mild mannered guys can be transformed by the hunt and sense of imminent victory.
But a lot of casual sex turns out to give us an erotic short term thrill, then leave us feeling vaguely dissatisfied. It speaks to the other need we seem to have which is for emotional connections, not just sexual ones.
Nice post, you should write more often about how you feel going through what you do.
Fabulous post, Jay. I hope you are back, at least more often! Yes, your real life gets in the way of blogging, huh? I bet you do have a lot of things going on, and blogging takes time. Even tho I'm a chick, I totally get the excitement and chemistry connection you feel when you are, shall we say, hunting your prey? Whenever I've been engaged in that, I can feel my heart pounding, my breathing goes eratic, right before the meet-up. The anticipation can be almost unbearable. And the feeling of satisfaction.... until the next time. I can't wait to hear more, Jay.
ReplyDeleteHottie
Why do you feel like you would bore us with the details? I love your blog because I think you're a normal (boring) guy like me and it give me validation to read every day normal stuff.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back.
Guess I'm a little late in finding this blog, but I'm glad I did. What you wrote in this post really resonated with me. I'm a 38 year-old married guy and I have a great marriage. But just like you I get these uncontrollable impulses and also spend days planning encounters with guys. I was married for 10 years before I ever tried anything with anyone else. I had bottled up my attraction to men for my entire life until that point. But even after satisfying that urge, I felt dissatisfaction after the encounter (and after most of the encounters I've had since then). Despite that, it has not deterred me from trying it again. The one satisfying thing is to see that there are tons of guys like me out there. For such a long time I felt extremely alone in this. While the internet has made this more of a compulsion for me, the one good thing is that I no longer feel alone in this.
ReplyDeleteBetter late than never! I'm glad that you found my blog, Paul. Sounds like you an I have a lot in common.
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