Tuesday, July 8, 2014

3rd Anniversary

It's somewhat fitting, I just passed 200K pageviews, and last month was the 3rd anniversary of my blog. I don't know if 200K is a lot in the grand scheme of things. But, a whole hell of a lot has changed since my very first post. With each post, each comment, and each visitor I've learned a little bit more about myself. I've gotten a little bit more confident with myself. I believe guys now, when they tell me that I'm handsome, or that I'm hot. On a hookup with someone new, my heart manages to remain in my chest instead of trying to escape through my throat. I can actually take the lead in a new encounter, instead of sheepishly waiting for instructions. I've learned that I'm very oral. I simply love to suck cock, and to have my cock sucked. I've learned that I am very good at compartmentalizing the different aspects of my life. I know longer worry about slipping up and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I've learned that it is not always so simple to determine whether you are a top, or a bottom. Honestly, I can't decide if I liked either. I've bottomed, I can't say that it was a pleasurable experience. There must have been something about it though, because I couldn't stop thinking about it and I couldn't resist getting him to do it again. I even worried for a bit, like AMtop did, that perhaps I'm a bit more of a bottom than a top.  Today, I couldn't honestly tell you why I worried.  I guess the image of me as a bottom didn't fit my preconceived notions of who I was.  I really couldn't get it out of my head, and I started thinking about how much I like to

look at cocks, but I've never liked looking at asses.  I started thinking about how I might really like the idea of cocks, and cocks penetrating me, more than the idea of me penetrating someone else.  But in the end, I decided that it didn't matter.  I set out to try it all.  If I enjoy bottoming, so be it, that's something new I didn't know about myself.  I've topped, obviously sliding my dick into a warm, wet, tight hole feels good. But better than a mouth? I'm not sure. I suspect that the guys who shared these experiences with me have something to do with it. Perhaps if I were with a more experienced top, or if his cock was a better fit for my ass, I would have enjoyed that experience more. Perhaps, if I weren't bent over my desk in my office at 10 o'clock at night.

I know, everyone knows, that I enjoyed the first time I topped. It's the only one of my experiences with fucking that I have written about so far. Saying that I topped isn't even very descriptive of what actually happened. I was not in control, I was on my back, and before I knew if the guy was sliding my raw cock into his ass. I came within a few strokes, though I struggled to not cum and ended up ruining my orgasm. The second time I actually successfully penetrated another guys ass (not the second time I tried), I guess I was nervous. I was more focused on why my cock would stay hard that I was on enjoying the sensation.

Aside from the parts of my life that I've described in detail here, the rest of my life has changed dramatically as well.  I would say that it was all for the better.  I'm living in a new city, I have a new job, and new addition to my family.  Some of the drama that was in my life when this all began has ended, replaced by new drama. Although, on the whole, my life is pretty drama free.

There is a good chance, a very strong chance, that I will regret all of this one day.  As I've always said, I'm not proud of the choices I've made, but I do feel that they were the best choices for me.  I don't know what the future holds.  Will I continue down this road I'm on?  Will I decide that I don't need these kind of hooks up anymore?  Will I figure out a way to live my life more in the open?  Will I screw the whole thing up?  Who knows?

1 comment:

  1. A very (bitter)sweetly open and honest post. The kind that makes me pause with a moment of my own self-reflection...