Pride Goes Before The Fall

Pride goes before the fall.  As soon as you think you're untouchable, impenetrable, that's exactly when reality decides to bitch slap you across the face.  It's a thought that I constantly use to remind myself to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground.  That doesn't mean I haven't stumbled.  It only means that I've been lucky enough not to land flat on my face.  Yet.

Men, you know we're pretty stupid most of the time. I realized how stupid I was the other night.  I have been steadily increasing the number of guys that I've hooked up with, that I'm having ongoing conversations with. With one guy in particular, the conversation via text got pretty intense and heavy real quick.  This guy actually provided two opportunities for me to stumble over.

The first was that he turned out to be a bit needy, something which I should have recognized much earlier than I did.  So, as I said, I had been steadily increasing my activities.  This meant increasing the amount of time I turned on apps such as Scruff, Growlr or Grindr, as well as increasing the number of apps that I have installed on my phone.  I had also been increasing the number of conversations via text messages, for which I use a Google voice number, one of many that I own.  To protect myself, these Google voice text messages don't land on my phone, I have to go to a website to check them. This way, if my phone is ever searched, it's clean.  But, that set up is not very conducive to ongoing chats, since I have to remember to check for the messages rather than hearing the notification chime.  So, I decided to let the chats get forwarded to one of my email accounts that I use for work.  I can delete the incoming email immediately, then jump into Google's website to continue the conversation.

Pride goes before the fall.  I know the original proverb is "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall."  The meaning is the same.  I had become complacent, had gone for so long without even coming close to getting caught, that began to take more risks than I realized.  One night I was text-chatting with this guy, say his name is Barry.  I had said good night, as I was about to go to bed. Another message came in after having gone to bed.  My wife didn't see the message itself, but she did see a sender's name just before I swiped away the notification.  It was probably my quick reaction of getting rid of the notification and acting like a couldn't find the message she was asking about that caused the suspicion.  She then asked, "Are you hiding things from me again?", to which I answered, "No", trying to sound as sincere as possible.

I was so freaked out, I woke up in the middle of the night and cleaned my phone.  I removed the extra emails I was receiving from the other account.  But she actually already knows that account exists, so I removed everything out of that account. I deleted all the contacts, text messages, emails, and the most painful, I deleted all the photos that I had received from other guys, and the photos I had taken of myself.

I also deleted all the apps, Grindr, Growlr, Scruff.

My phone is not spotless.  My alternate Google account that contains my other email address and my other Google voice number have been scrubbed clean so that if she ever asked to see them, there would be nothing to see.  (None of these accounts are the one that I use for this blog, which she knows nothing about)

So was the first opportunity that Barry gave me to stumble.  I don't really blame him, but his neediness caused him to text me constantly.  The second opportunity was that when I didn't respond to the texts, he would text even more often.  And when I was sick with the flu, and I didn't respond to his texts all weekend, he flew off the handle.  I should have known, I should have seen the signs.  Luckily for me, I had not yet met this guy in person.  After that weekend, he called me names, called me a flake, said that I was going to hell for what I am doing.  (Honestly, I can't argue that point, except he was find with that before the weekend) Then he said that he would take advantage of any opportunity to expose me.  So, great, now I have someone out there who is angry and vindictive enough to actively try to destroy my life.  Fuck, what did I do.

Despite his rants, I stayed cool and calm.  I apologized, both for the lack of responses, and for that he felt that way.  I explained that obviously we weren't meant to be friends, since my friends are not so willing to give up on a friendship and my friends are much more understanding.  I haven't heard from him since, and it's been weeks.  I probably won't ever hear from him again.

You'd think I've learned my lesson, right?  Hehe, no.  I reloaded my contacts, retaken some of the photos, started the text-to-email function back up (but only when I am not at home).  I haven't loaded the apps back, and I hope that I remain strong enough to keep them off my phone.  I have found other ways to access them that are more discreet and that keep my phone clean.