Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Fidelity

So this is one of those posts that I started a couple of month ago, but never finished.  I read back through it, and I decided to go ahead and post it even though it's incongruous with my current slut phase.

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Something has been on my mind lately. A dilemma. I can't decide if it's something that I want to deal with. Actually, I can't decide if it is something that I want to even think about whether it is something I want to deal with. Is that enough double speak for you? You should try living inside my head.

The dilemma has to do with my marriage and my fidelity. I've posted a bit about this before. What I'm worried about is to what degree have I been lying to myself. And, if I've been lying to myself, is there any hope for me and my marriage.

I saw something on Facebook that snapped this issue back into my face. It was one of those generic postings that several different people liked and shared, so I was forced to see it several times. It was a link to an article titled "Marriage is not for me".

The article starts off with the author, a man, explaining his fears about getting married. He was engaged to his best friend, a woman who had been with him for years. The man, despite his love for the woman, was doubting whether he was marrying the right one.

So the man confesses to his father his doubts. His father replies simply with, "you are being selfish, you don't get married for you. You get married to make the other person happy."

That thought hit home. Of course, the article plays on words and emotions so that you are expecting some revelation about how marriage isn't right for everyone. Perhaps this guy is meant to be a life long bachelor. But that's not the revelation. Once the author realized that it was more important to him that he devote his life to making his fiancé happy than making himself happy, it was a no brainer.

Did I enter into my marriage with the right expectations? With the right frame of mind? Was I thinking about making my wife happy? Or was I only trying to make myself happy.

When I chose, now a couple of years ago, to venture across the line, who was I really trying to satisfy? Well, jeez, I know the answer to that question is obvious. Little Jay was in control. But I rationalized, even to this day, that it was the best option for all involved. It allowed me to experience something I desperately wanted to experience, without threatening my current situation.

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Had I finished this post back when I started it, I would have written about how I was struggling with the decision of whether to keep doing what I'm doing.  I was seriously considering playing it straight, exclusively, from that point forward.  Well, I guess you know what happened to that line of thinking.  Not that I actually resolved anything, except that I resolved to put the question on hold for a time.  To be struggled with on another day.

2 comments:

  1. Oh, if I could only increase the bitrate to pump up my fidelity. So here's the thing. I think I try to explain away my compulsion to cheat by saying that we're both tops and it's just sex and... blah blah. And if I were cheating with women, I'd say it's because it's yet another thing that I can't quite get from my partner. But the real problem is this: he's a bit insecure and finding out that I'm cheating would be a big blow to his confidence and self-esteem. But to honor that feeling, instead of increasing my resolve to be faithful, it just increases my resolve to cover my tracks as best I can. And I somehow justify that as "close enough". How's that for fucked up! Ha! That's some perverse justification: lying as a way of being conscientious of the others' feelings. But I'm leaving out a lot. Namely, that he cheats too (he's horrible at lying) and that we know a bunch of couples where faithfulness isn't a measure of a couple's commitment. And I'd be completely fine with an open relationship. Hell, I'd love to see him in action. But the whole jealous/not jealous/and what does it mean gets in the way...

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  2. I started recently reading your blog. Thanks for posting. I am in a similar situation as you and have struggled with guilt and self loathing when it comes to cheating and evolution of my homosexuality while being married. You don't just get married to make the other person happy you also get married to make everyone else happy. "Society" is focused on hitting certain milestones in life and we are programmed to follow a certain path. I think this is especially true for older guys. You really make decisions about your life before you know what you really want and who you really are. Unfortunately by the time you figure all this out you are married with kids and very much down the road of a life you picked.

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