Fidelity

So this is one of those posts that I started a couple of month ago, but never finished.  I read back through it, and I decided to go ahead and post it even though it's incongruous with my current slut phase.

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Something has been on my mind lately. A dilemma. I can't decide if it's something that I want to deal with. Actually, I can't decide if it is something that I want to even think about whether it is something I want to deal with. Is that enough double speak for you? You should try living inside my head.

The dilemma has to do with my marriage and my fidelity. I've posted a bit about this before. What I'm worried about is to what degree have I been lying to myself. And, if I've been lying to myself, is there any hope for me and my marriage.

I saw something on Facebook that snapped this issue back into my face. It was one of those generic postings that several different people liked and shared, so I was forced to see it several times. It was a link to an article titled "Marriage is not for me".

The article starts off with the author, a man, explaining his fears about getting married. He was engaged to his best friend, a woman who had been with him for years. The man, despite his love for the woman, was doubting whether he was marrying the right one.

So the man confesses to his father his doubts. His father replies simply with, "you are being selfish, you don't get married for you. You get married to make the other person happy."

That thought hit home. Of course, the article plays on words and emotions so that you are expecting some revelation about how marriage isn't right for everyone. Perhaps this guy is meant to be a life long bachelor. But that's not the revelation. Once the author realized that it was more important to him that he devote his life to making his fiancé happy than making himself happy, it was a no brainer.

Did I enter into my marriage with the right expectations? With the right frame of mind? Was I thinking about making my wife happy? Or was I only trying to make myself happy.

When I chose, now a couple of years ago, to venture across the line, who was I really trying to satisfy? Well, jeez, I know the answer to that question is obvious. Little Jay was in control. But I rationalized, even to this day, that it was the best option for all involved. It allowed me to experience something I desperately wanted to experience, without threatening my current situation.

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Had I finished this post back when I started it, I would have written about how I was struggling with the decision of whether to keep doing what I'm doing.  I was seriously considering playing it straight, exclusively, from that point forward.  Well, I guess you know what happened to that line of thinking.  Not that I actually resolved anything, except that I resolved to put the question on hold for a time.  To be struggled with on another day.