Let's see what happens if I power through.
Most of the thoughts have been centered around two, conflicting, themes. The first of which is "I shouldn't be doing this", and the other is "What happening with M?". My thoughts have been so contradictory, that I'm even struggling with how to write about them.
There's been a lot of chatter on my blog lately about safer sex, STDs, poppers, etc. Basically my eyes have been opened to what I thought I knew, but didn't really. I've never been one to be ignorant about the risks of certain actions. In High School, I was part of the peer group that took time to educate others, in my school and statewide, about the risks of unprotected sex. I used to be able to cite statistics on certain infections and the risks of certain activities. I know High School was a while ago, but not that long. So imagine my shock when I start doing a little research on my own. When I realize the risks that I have just taken. Maybe I was denial, not willing to think about the risks, because I was only thinking about the one goal I had. Because I was only thinking about crossing that line. Or maybe I just forgot.
So what now? Obviously, now that I am armed with this information, I can't have another random hookups like I did with the "are ya gonna let me in" guy. I can't continue to hookup with Don knowing that he's prone to risky behavior. Can I? Now that I have crossed that line, am I capable of going back to the "straight and narrow". (These questions are rhetorical, by the way)
And this is where it gets really fun. Along with all these thoughts, right smack in the middle of them, I'm thinking about M. I'm thinking about the great day I had with M last week, the one I haven't told you about yet. I'm thinking that I have a lot of fun with this guy, and I enjoy hanging out with him. Certainly, the decision to play it safe doesn't mean I'd have to give that up, right? (Again, rhetorical) This thing with M is just getting started. (And don't worry, I will tell you all about that great day!)
So, here I am, conflicted. I have a lot to write about, even though I haven't written a whole lot lately. The holiday weekend and increasing demands at work certainly don't help me write more. I've heard from many that they've enjoyed coming along this ride with me. Hopefully all of you won't mind the bumpy parts, as I try to figure all of this out. (Hey, at least I always add some good pics!)
And this is where it gets really fun. Along with all these thoughts, right smack in the middle of them, I'm thinking about M. I'm thinking about the great day I had with M last week, the one I haven't told you about yet. I'm thinking that I have a lot of fun with this guy, and I enjoy hanging out with him. Certainly, the decision to play it safe doesn't mean I'd have to give that up, right? (Again, rhetorical) This thing with M is just getting started. (And don't worry, I will tell you all about that great day!)So, here I am, conflicted. I have a lot to write about, even though I haven't written a whole lot lately. The holiday weekend and increasing demands at work certainly don't help me write more. I've heard from many that they've enjoyed coming along this ride with me. Hopefully all of you won't mind the bumpy parts, as I try to figure all of this out. (Hey, at least I always add some good pics!)
Really enjoying the ride bumpy parts and all. The pics have been great especially this last one. I know some of us tend to ruin the fun with our STD talk, bfut being extra careful is so important.hal
ReplyDeleteJay, since I'm sure I played a part in the chatter that caused your conflicting thoughts and feelings, I guess I should comment.
ReplyDeleteI feel a little bit bad about perhaps playing a part in bringing you conflicting feelings, but not nearly as bad as I'd feel if you got into trouble by crossing the line on safe sex.
Your first question, "Should I be doing this?" is really deceptively easy to answer. What choice do you have? You're a bisexual guy. I admit I have met one or two guys who have been able simply to contain their desires for male/male sex. However, most of the guys I have met and talked to are like me, they gave it a hell of a try; but in the end, they could not withstand the compulsions. You may be one of the few who could harness and contain your desires but the odds are against it.
As for the other questions, relatively safe sex does not have to mean no sex at all. I've always been aware that life well lived is a series of calculated risks. We take calculated risks every single day of our lives. We get into cars, airplanes, trains and elevators. All of these things are known to kill people from time to time. We go on downhill ski runs, we hang glide, we parachute out of planes for the sheer thrill of it. But all these risks are calculated. We know exactly what the risks are in all these situations and we do our part to mitigate the risks and we pay others a fee to further mitigate the risks (pilots, ski instructors, coaches, etc).
As a bisexual man you can't completely do away with the risks, but you can enjoy your sexuality in relative safety by thinking about it all as you are now and deciding on a safe and sane strategy. As you say, you can't have another hook up with "are you going to let me in guy" but you can enjoy getting to know other guys who are cautious yet willing to take a calculated risk with the right guy. And when the time and circumstances are right, the rewards can be extraordinary! I know that from personal experience.
Best wishes. Congratulations on having the courage and the good sense to be conflicted. Hang on to it. Remember, the little head on your cock should always be under the control of the big head on your shoulders.
Jack Scott
Jack,
ReplyDeleteI greatly respect all you've written about STDs and risk reduction. But, one thing needs to be mentioned here. All you have written is geared towards a calculated assumption of risk for the man. What about the wife or girlfriend? How can a man who clearly has a conflict of interest, who's desires may overshadow his best judgement (as we've seen here) be in the best position to make these decision for someone else? A someone else who doesn't even have a clue there IS as risk.
When someone can answer that I'll have less trouble with this.