Chemistry

Sex is the biggest clue that we are all really driven by chemistry.  It does not matter what you believe, if you believe in a higher power, in a higher purpose, or in a soul.  There is absolutely no denying how much of our actions and how much of our personality comes down to chemistry.  Whatever we are, we are inextricably tied to our bodies.

Maybe the effect is more powerful for men.  Not being a woman, I can't really speak for them.  What I know is this.  Once I have sex on my mind, I can't shake it.  More specifically, once I start to think about meeting a guy for the purposes of sex, I cannot stop thinking about it.  I start to reach out to guys.  I start to plan.  I start to figure out how I am going to cover my tracks.  More often than not, in my limited experience, opportunity and timing seem to fall into place easily.  Sometimes it takes no time at all.  Sometimes it takes days.  Inevitably, I get what I want. I am fortunate that lately months will pass in between these occurrences.

It's when the "date" is over that I realize how much of a slave to chemistry I really am.  The last time, which is only one of two since the last time I blogged, I planned for 5 days.  It took 5 days to make contact with an old acquaintance, to set a day and time, and to finally meet.  The meeting itself only lasted 45 minutes.  When I was walking away, back to my car, I found myself wondering why it was so important to me. I honestly can't think of why I so badly needed to make this happen.  What drove me to go out of my way, way out of my way, to meet someone for only a few moments.

Chemistry is the only explanation. The fact that I was suffering from a particular type of desire that I could not fulfill any other way.  Once that desire was satiated, I no longer had those feelings.  In the beginning of my journey, I was reacting to decades of building desire.  I guess I should count myself lucky that it only took a few secret meetings with 3 separate men to have those desires quelled.  Well, at least temporarily quelled.  And, for a time, I felt fulfilled with just the one life I had at home.  But, unfortunately, chemistry kicks in and those desires again begin to build.  They build until ultimately I feel the need to act on them.  Once my "big head" is control again, I realize the futility of it all.  If only my "big head" could stay in control all the time.

The desire I felt walking away from that last encounter was the to share this thought with all of you.  I do not know if I have explained it well, this thought.  This is the first real desire to write in months.  I miss interacting with this community, and I miss chatting with the friends I have made by blogging.  I life is in the middle of major changes, which I won't bore you with.  All I can say is hopefully this re-discovered desire to blog lasts.