Slut Phase Victim #2

I have already plummeted deep into my slut phase, since I am now up to random encounters with 4 men, one of them twice.  Number 2 was Doug, I guy I met on Scruff (and Growlr simultaneously).  I was working out of town for the day, more than a 100 miles away from home.  I had Scruff, Growlr, and Grindr all running on my phone. (I mentioned the slut phase, right?)  I was actually working at a public event with several hundred people, and I got a little thrill out of the prospect that I might run into another guy at the event, who was also using one of these apps.

So I have all these apps running, and I'm having several simultaneous chats.  I actually told a couple of these guys that I would come over after the event. I don't know what I was thinking, I became one of those flakes I hear so much about.  One guy in particular was Doug. He was hot. Despite the fact that he dramatically shorter than I, he was almost exactly my type.  Well built, great smile, beard, dark hair and eyes.  I wasn't sure why he was so interested in me, but I was enjoying the chat.

I decided to meet up with him.  I should say, I accepted his invitation.  I had already cancelled on the others because I ended up leaving the event much later than I originally planned.  (Because, you know, I was actually going to have a couple of hookups in the same night before I was held up)  So Doug asked me to come over, I said yes, and then...  no response!

Well, I guess I got what I deserved, right?  I waited a bit, to see if he would answer.  I drove around in the general direction I thought I needed to go.  But I finally gave up and got on the freeway to head home.  It wasn't for another 10 minutes that he finally texted back.  He said his phone had died, and he apologized.  I didn't care, I only wanted to know how far away he was.  (Can you tell I was a bit horny?)  Fortunately he was close, only a couple of minutes away.  I quickly got off and back on the freeway going in the other direction.

I arrived at his apartment about 10 minutes later.  It was one of those places where I had to be buzzed in. Why do all the guys I meet live in better homes than I do?  He buzzed me in, and I went up to his fourth floor apartment and knocked on the door.

I was not disappointed by what I saw when he answered the door.  He had a proud chest, tight body, great face and smile.  He was wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.  Yeah, he was shorter than me.  When I say that he was shorter, I mean that he literally was a foot shorter.  But I didn't care.  We made some small talk, sitting on the couch of his dimly lit but nice apartment.  It wasn't very long before he was on top of me.  We made out of a few minutes, I could tell he loved shoving his tongue deep into my mouth, and he loved his when I shoved my tongue into his.

I had my hands on his ass, and fuck he has a nice ass!  It was a tight bubble butt that just felt perfect in my hands.  I loved squeezing them and pulling his groin in tighter against mine.  We slowly shed our clothes, first his shirt, then mine.  This his jeans, then mine.  Despite his smaller frame, his cock was larger than mine.  And I loved the feel of it, rock hard, sheathed in cotton, pressed against my belly button.  It wasn't long after that that all of our clothes were off and his mouth was on my cock.  He told me earlier in the evening that he was good with his tongue, and he wasn't kidding.  I definitely have a lot to learn when it comes to BJs.  After a few minutes of him slobbering on my cock, I pulled him up so that he could feed me his.

That was when I realized that he was uncut.  I was so proud, my first uncut cock!  LOL.  I can say with certainty now, I love an uncut cock.  He obviously took hygiene seriously, because I tasted nothing but sweet and smooth skin as his cock slid down my tongue in push slowly into my throat.  The extra skin changed something about the experience.  I've also loved how a cock can feel rock hard but soft at the same time, and this time was even more so.  The extra skin added even more silkiness.

He was back on my cock after only a couple of minutes.  I was moaning so loudly, I'm sure if he had neighbors they heard me.  It wasn't long before I was cumming in his mouth.  He took every drop and swallowed it.  He fed me his cock again, and I tried with all my might to bring him to orgasm.  Ultimately, he had to jack off while standing over me.  When he came, his shot all over my chest, neck and face.

The awkward moments afterwards have gotten to the point where they're comical.  I knew full well what was going to happen next, but I couldn't avoid it.  We'd clean up, and I'd try to get out of there as fast as I could.  Not only did I not really have the time to stop in the first place, but the strained small talk is so painful it's almost unbearable.  However, I can take pride in that he was already talking about the next time we'd get together, and how next time, he wanted more time.

I got dressed, and got out of there.  He knew I was short on time, so I didn't feel too bad about it.  We texted back and forth a couple of times on my way home, and a couple of times since.  I can't wait till my next trip out of town.

Pride Goes Before The Fall

Pride goes before the fall.  As soon as you think you're untouchable, impenetrable, that's exactly when reality decides to bitch slap you across the face.  It's a thought that I constantly use to remind myself to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground.  That doesn't mean I haven't stumbled.  It only means that I've been lucky enough not to land flat on my face.  Yet.

Men, you know we're pretty stupid most of the time. I realized how stupid I was the other night.  I have been steadily increasing the number of guys that I've hooked up with, that I'm having ongoing conversations with. With one guy in particular, the conversation via text got pretty intense and heavy real quick.  This guy actually provided two opportunities for me to stumble over.

The first was that he turned out to be a bit needy, something which I should have recognized much earlier than I did.  So, as I said, I had been steadily increasing my activities.  This meant increasing the amount of time I turned on apps such as Scruff, Growlr or Grindr, as well as increasing the number of apps that I have installed on my phone.  I had also been increasing the number of conversations via text messages, for which I use a Google voice number, one of many that I own.  To protect myself, these Google voice text messages don't land on my phone, I have to go to a website to check them. This way, if my phone is ever searched, it's clean.  But, that set up is not very conducive to ongoing chats, since I have to remember to check for the messages rather than hearing the notification chime.  So, I decided to let the chats get forwarded to one of my email accounts that I use for work.  I can delete the incoming email immediately, then jump into Google's website to continue the conversation.

Pride goes before the fall.  I know the original proverb is "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall."  The meaning is the same.  I had become complacent, had gone for so long without even coming close to getting caught, that began to take more risks than I realized.  One night I was text-chatting with this guy, say his name is Barry.  I had said good night, as I was about to go to bed. Another message came in after having gone to bed.  My wife didn't see the message itself, but she did see a sender's name just before I swiped away the notification.  It was probably my quick reaction of getting rid of the notification and acting like a couldn't find the message she was asking about that caused the suspicion.  She then asked, "Are you hiding things from me again?", to which I answered, "No", trying to sound as sincere as possible.

I was so freaked out, I woke up in the middle of the night and cleaned my phone.  I removed the extra emails I was receiving from the other account.  But she actually already knows that account exists, so I removed everything out of that account. I deleted all the contacts, text messages, emails, and the most painful, I deleted all the photos that I had received from other guys, and the photos I had taken of myself.

I also deleted all the apps, Grindr, Growlr, Scruff.

My phone is not spotless.  My alternate Google account that contains my other email address and my other Google voice number have been scrubbed clean so that if she ever asked to see them, there would be nothing to see.  (None of these accounts are the one that I use for this blog, which she knows nothing about)

So was the first opportunity that Barry gave me to stumble.  I don't really blame him, but his neediness caused him to text me constantly.  The second opportunity was that when I didn't respond to the texts, he would text even more often.  And when I was sick with the flu, and I didn't respond to his texts all weekend, he flew off the handle.  I should have known, I should have seen the signs.  Luckily for me, I had not yet met this guy in person.  After that weekend, he called me names, called me a flake, said that I was going to hell for what I am doing.  (Honestly, I can't argue that point, except he was find with that before the weekend) Then he said that he would take advantage of any opportunity to expose me.  So, great, now I have someone out there who is angry and vindictive enough to actively try to destroy my life.  Fuck, what did I do.

Despite his rants, I stayed cool and calm.  I apologized, both for the lack of responses, and for that he felt that way.  I explained that obviously we weren't meant to be friends, since my friends are not so willing to give up on a friendship and my friends are much more understanding.  I haven't heard from him since, and it's been weeks.  I probably won't ever hear from him again.

You'd think I've learned my lesson, right?  Hehe, no.  I reloaded my contacts, retaken some of the photos, started the text-to-email function back up (but only when I am not at home).  I haven't loaded the apps back, and I hope that I remain strong enough to keep them off my phone.  I have found other ways to access them that are more discreet and that keep my phone clean.

Slut Phase

I feel a slut phase coming on, which is hilarious considered that a few of my unfinished posts had to do with how I was throwing in the towel.  I couldn't help but re-install Scruff on my phone, then Growlr, then yes, I finally put Grindr back on their as well. So, a couple weeks back, I'm on Growlr, and a guy starts chatting me up.  No big deal, even though I haven't had any kind of man-on-man action since I last hooked up with M, I still chatted with a few men from time to time.  So this guy is trying to get me to come over.  This is around the time in the evening that I have been going to gym.  So, I am on my way out, to the gym, and he asks again.  So, I think, "what the hell?"

This is indiscretion number one, first in a while.
Indiscretion number two has already happened as well, but that's for another post.  I drove over to the guys house, it's about 25 minutes away.  During the drive I'm thinking to myself, "there's no way I am going to get any gym time in tonight".  I arrive at the address given, and I see the house he described, and I walked up and rang the door bell.

Now, the first time I did this, my heart was in my throat and I couldn't have a coherent thought.  This time I was just cool.  I guess I'm now an old pro.  I'd seen pics of the guy, but I didn't have a clear picture in my head of what he looked like. We didn't really talk about what we were going to do either.  I just wanted cock, and I went for it.  He answered the door, after keeping me waiting for a few minutes.  I realized after he let me in that he must have first called out for me to just come in, but I didn't hear him.  When he opened the door, he was like, "Oh, it was unlocked."

So I follow him to his bedroom.  The place is immaculate, but his room was not.  Later I confirmed my suspicion that it wasn't his house, that he was renting a room.  There was just too much disparity between his bedroom and the rest of the house that I saw. Not that that mattered.  I follow him to his room, and there's porn playing on the computer.  The room is warm and inviting, decorated with various out-doorsy stuff.  Oh yeah, did I tell you? The guy was only in a pair of boxers, and not bad looking at all!  I had started drooling when I walked through the front door.

It doesn't take long to get down the business.  We kiss, and after just a brief moment, I dropped to my knees.  Taking his cock into my mouth was like returning home after a long trip, and I loved it.  We stayed there, in the middle of his room for a few minutes, then he lead me over to the bed and I undressed. He laid me down, and went down on my cock, on my balls, my taint, my ass.  I was a little nervous because I hadn't really had a chance to "prepare".  But I guess I was clean enough, because he wasn't slowing down. He's all over me, and I'm loving it.  Then he's laying on top of me and we're kissing again, while rubbing up against one another.

Then he straddled me, and before I could protest, my cock is in his ass.  I don't know what it is, why I am so stupid in these situations.  I can preach to anyone who will listen about the virtues of safer sex, which I did in High School and College.  But in this situation, he was in control, and I was just going along for the ride. No, sorry, he was the one riding me and holy fuck did it feel good.  So good in fact I had to stop him to keep myself from cumming too soon.  He ass was tight and seemed to grip and massage me at the same time. He slowed down, gave me a break, let me suck on his cock some more.  Then started to ride me again.  I was in Heaven, but I had to stop him again.  Wow, talk about a minute-man!

I didn't stop him the second time around quickly enough, and ended having one of those half-assed orgasms that I hate so much.  You know,
where you don't get any of the enjoyment of cumming, but your forced into post-orgasm indifference.  I don't know if he caught on or not.  We switched things up for a bit and I went down on him again.  This time with him on his back.  After a few minutes he tried to get me to fuck him again, in sort of a missionary position.  But it wasn't happening.  I couldn't get hard enough.  He asked if I would let him fuck me, but remember what I said about preparing.  So, no.  Or, maybe my senses came back to me by that point.

We ended our fun with him jacking off while standing in front of me, and cumming into my mouth.  Which was so hot.  He asked if I wanted to cum, and I told him I was good.  So maybe he didn't catch on?  His spunk wasn't the best tasting, though, it was a bitter and tangy.  Nothing like my own or the others I've had.

The whole experience was maybe 10 minutes, 15 at a stretch.  I was pretty down on myself for my lack of performance, but in the end I got what I wanted and he got to cum.  He offered a shower and I accepted.

Then I got dressed while he showered.  He was surprisingly trusting.  Then I did what I could to avoid the awkward goodbyes and excuse myself.

I did make it to the gym, have enough time to work up a real sweat, then go home.

So, yeah, slut phase.  This experience was the first in a long while.  And I was convinced, for much of that time, that my escapades were over.  Just over a week later came the second experience, and Damn!, that one was HOT.  I tell you about that one next time.  Fast forward to this week, where I am having three simultaneous serious conversations with different guys that I fully expect to lead to, yup, you guess it, sex. Two of them sound a little like they could turn into regular things.

I just need to figure out how to make sure I play it a little safer.  And if your wondering, yes, I've already got tested and I will follow up.  So far, all is good, I was lucky.

TMI: "DO THESE JEANS MAKE MY BUTT LOOK FAT?" / "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

I figured, why the hell not. I'll give this a try.

TMI: "DO THESE JEANS MAKE MY BUTT LOOK FAT?" / "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

1. What's the most creative lie you've ever told?
When I was younger I went to summer camp. I was part of the group that went hiking through the mountains, so our group was pretty segregated throughout the week. I came up with this elaborate story about how I had run away from home and jumped on the bus to camp. That my parents had no idea where I was, and that they probably didn't care. I went on to say that my Mom's boyfriend was a dick, and just simply didn't want to be around him any more.

2. What lie do you wish you could take back?
That one, I looked pretty stupid when we go back to the main campground later and the week, and my little sister said hi as she walked by.

3. How long could you go without lying? Even a white lie.
Depends on whether you include the lie-of-omission. If yes, not very long. Lying sucks, and I do my best to avoid it at all costs. Even in my extra-curricular activities, I arrange things in a way so that the question never gets asked. So that I don't have to explain where I was, or what I was doing. Outside of my extra-curricular activities, when the truth hurts and I don't have to say it, I don't. But when I have to say it, it's better to say the truth than to lie.

4. Are you more honest when you comment anonymously?
Depends on what I am commenting about. My blog is anonymous, and I am more honest about that aspect of my life. But I would rarely make any anonymous comments on other things that I wouldn't be willing to put my name on.

5. Does the truth hurt?
Yes, the truth can hurt. It can also be liberating. In almost all situations, the truth is better than the lie.

6. What was the worst thing that happened to you because of a lie?

I lost my High School girl friend because of a lie that she told herself.

7. Who do you lie to the most - yourself or others?
For most of my life, myself. These days I would say that I am more honest with myself than others.

8. Is there a difference between a secret and a lie?
Yes, because that's the lie I tell myself.

9. Truth or Dare?
Dare

10. Does the mirror never lie?
The mirror lies all the time! I know what I see in the mirror is way worse than what others see.

11. Does the mirror have two faces?
The mirror has many faces, all reflective of context and attitude.

12. How old are you?
Today I am 37.

13. How much do you weigh?
315lbs.


BONUS
Is it really that big? Are you really vers? Just how old is that pic?
It's not really THAT big, but I never proclaimed it to be. I'm am vers in that I am still open to figure out what I truly enjoy. Sadly, I am not brave enough to post any pics of myself on my blog. The pic I use on hookup apps is 2 or 3 years old.

Married / Once-married

Despite my lack of respect to the blogging community with my complete lack of posts since last August, my blog still manages to get visitors.  Even more so in the last few weeks. I may have been silent, but I am always present.  Reading other blogs and pouring through hundreds of photos is always easier than writing a post of my own.  I have written a few posts in the last couple of months, but have failed to complete one, or even write enough that I felt it worthy of posting.  As always, I am honored to be a part of this community.

I did something last night that kind of surprised me.  No, it wasn't a random hookup, though I've been thinking about doing that again more and more.  I came across an ad, or an article, I can't remember which, that talked about a men's support group for married and once-married men, who are attracted to men.  I was intrigued. This was a couple of weeks ago, and I was thinking about going.  It just so happens that I had a work event in that same city last night, which ended just before this group was the meet.  I had a perfectly good opportunity, being that I was already going to be out for the evening so I wouldn't have to make up a story.  I still wasn't sure what I would do, until I was driving away from the previous event.

For those of you who read about my first encounter and what lead up to it, you know how much of a nervous wreck I can be.  I thought I would react the same way going to this group.  But it wasn't at all that bad.  I felt relatively comfortable parking, walking up and into the building, asking for directions to the right room, walking in and sitting down.

I really enjoyed the group.  I sat and listened for two hours as 10-12 guys told a little bit of there story, ranging from divorced and fully out to their friends and family, to, like me, married and hiding.  A variety of ages, nationalities, cultures.  All with one thing in common, they all are or were married to women and they all identify as gay or bi.  And, interestingly, all of them had children.  They were very warm and welcoming, and I felt no pressure to say anything.

I would like to go back.  The group in itself is perfectly harmless.  I could, if I wanted to, tell my wife about the group and "ask permission" to attend each week.  As many of you know, my wife is aware of my various sexual attractions. I believe that should would support me in having a place to talk about all of this.  But I don't know if I am going to do that.  I certainly could not come up with a plausible excuse to go every week. Maybe once of month or so.  I do want to continue to attend, they were a great group of guys and I could certainly use the support and advice of those who have been, or are, in my situation.

Over the last couple of months, I guess for all of 2013, I have been vacillating on whether I would continue my extra curricular activities or would I play it straight from now on.  I have tried to be as honest with myself as I could.  I know full well that these feelings are not gonna just go away.  If I decided to abstain, eventually the urges would overcome my better senses.  At the same time, my extra curricular activities are just that, extra.  They have very little impact on my life as a whole, with the exception of putting my life as it is at risk. There are days where I become convinced that I do not need men anymore.  That I have set out to do what I needed to do, and now that I've had the experience my life can go back to normal. Then there are days where I am cruising Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, Squirt and Craiglist; simultaneously.  On those days, it's a wonder what has kept me from stepping out.  Probably a lack of real opportunity.

That's my update for now.  I sincerely hope that everyone had a great New Year's and here's to a brand new year, 2014.

As I wrote this, I realized that of all the people and groups I interacted with in my life, this group has the greatest likelihood to have read my blog.  If they read this now, they will obviously figure out who I am and what I am talking about.  Hmm... awkward.  Well, I guess it could save me a whole lot of talking in the next group.  ;)