Return to voyeurism

Oddly enough, one of the things that has kept me from writing lately is that I don't want to start out my next blog post with something like, "Wow, it's been so long since I've blogged...." along with some excuse as to why I have been away. I've known for some time now that writing is a coping tool I commonly used, but I've been unable to come up with an original opener to my next post, so I kept putting it off. And now, here we are.

Wow, it's been so long since I've blogged. I joined this blogging community when I reached the point, in my own mind, where I could no longer deny myself what I felt I needed. And, I used this community to shore up my nerve to actually make what I wanted to happen, happen. I think my writing started to wane when my activities become more mundane and less inspiring. It only makes sense that I come back to this community now, when everything that is going on in the world has interrupted all of my routines, mundane or not, and I haven't quit figured out how to cope.

I can't be the only one experiencing the unexpected consequences of switching from working in an office to working from home. I no longer have any of the freedom that I once enjoyed. But more than that, given the current circumstances, there is no way to justify spending time with anyone, sexually or otherwise, that exist outside my own bubble. So, I'll just say it, I miss dick.

I miss my circle of buddies that I could meet up with and we'd get each other off. I miss the random opportunities to suck a dick, or the offers from others to suck my dick. I miss the conversations with others like me, whether those were just friendly chats with like-minded guys, or if they led to something more. I mourn the loss of my sexual life. I even miss the privacy to explore that world in my own home, given that I am sheltered-in-place with the same people day in and day out, with no private spaces. Even this post has be written in chunks as I can steal away time to myself, without wandering eyes looking over my shoulder.

I miss that feeling of a rock solid cock covered is soft, velvety, flesh as it slowly pushes past my lips and slides across my tongue. I miss the heat I feel in my hand when I grab that hard dick for the first time. I miss exploring a dude's mouth, his neck, his chest, his groin, his ass, as we slowly undress each other. I miss the way one of my buddies will gasp when my tongue and teeth play with his nipple. And, I miss the way my dick twitches as it finds it's way down a nice warm throat, with a playful tongue swirling around it.

In all things, I am constantly aware of how good I have it. I have a home, I have a support system, and I have little to complain about except the loss of control and the loss of my secret private life. I'm not one to complain, but I have no one else to share these thoughts with except you, my like-minded readers. I have taken to spending what little spare private time I have to read blog posts and subreddits, and checking various apps for new messages and profiles. In a way, it's a return to life before I 'crossed the line', where I was the ultimate voyeur, always watching and never participating. Who knows how long this will last. Who knows what the new normal looks like once the main threat has passed.

Atlas Shrugged

I love that phrase, "Atlas Shrugged".  I don't know, it just conjures up so many thoughts and images.  I know it is the title of a book by Ayn Rand, which was later made into a movie.  But that's not what my past is about.  Atlas shrugged. Can you imagine?  Imagine the implications to both Atlas, and to the world.  In case you don't know, Atlas is a figure made most popular in Greek Mythology, a titan forced to hold up the heavens on his shoulders. For many, the myths have changed so that Atlas hold up the Earth on his shoulders. Either way, imagine what might happen if Atlas were to shrug.

For me, I think about the possibilities of letting your responsibilities and commitments go.  Of actually shrugging them off, even for a brief moment.  The immense relief one might feel if all the weight on their shoulders were to suddenly lift away.  But that's not all, almost immediately after the sense of relief would come a sense of fear, regret, or shame.  What would the affect be, to Atlas, when the very precious thing he is tasked to carry falls? What would happes to the heavens, or to the earth, when Atlas is no longer holding it up? What happens to all those people who are depending on you to carry your weight?

Many of you reading this would assume that I am cracking under the pressure.  That's not true.  Yes, I am under pressure and stress.  I have a lot of responsibilities.  Often it seems like I cannot get the space or the time to plan out how to get what I want, let alone the time to figure out what that is.  The pressure, the stress, is no more than normal, no more than any of my neighbors or any of you might be feeling at any given moment.  For some reason, perhaps as a Freudian slip, the phrase "Atlas Shrugged" popped into my head this morning, and I felt the need to write about it.

Fidelity

So this is one of those posts that I started a couple of month ago, but never finished.  I read back through it, and I decided to go ahead and post it even though it's incongruous with my current slut phase.

*****

Something has been on my mind lately. A dilemma. I can't decide if it's something that I want to deal with. Actually, I can't decide if it is something that I want to even think about whether it is something I want to deal with. Is that enough double speak for you? You should try living inside my head.

The dilemma has to do with my marriage and my fidelity. I've posted a bit about this before. What I'm worried about is to what degree have I been lying to myself. And, if I've been lying to myself, is there any hope for me and my marriage.

I saw something on Facebook that snapped this issue back into my face. It was one of those generic postings that several different people liked and shared, so I was forced to see it several times. It was a link to an article titled "Marriage is not for me".

The article starts off with the author, a man, explaining his fears about getting married. He was engaged to his best friend, a woman who had been with him for years. The man, despite his love for the woman, was doubting whether he was marrying the right one.

So the man confesses to his father his doubts. His father replies simply with, "you are being selfish, you don't get married for you. You get married to make the other person happy."

That thought hit home. Of course, the article plays on words and emotions so that you are expecting some revelation about how marriage isn't right for everyone. Perhaps this guy is meant to be a life long bachelor. But that's not the revelation. Once the author realized that it was more important to him that he devote his life to making his fiancé happy than making himself happy, it was a no brainer.

Did I enter into my marriage with the right expectations? With the right frame of mind? Was I thinking about making my wife happy? Or was I only trying to make myself happy.

When I chose, now a couple of years ago, to venture across the line, who was I really trying to satisfy? Well, jeez, I know the answer to that question is obvious. Little Jay was in control. But I rationalized, even to this day, that it was the best option for all involved. It allowed me to experience something I desperately wanted to experience, without threatening my current situation.

*****

Had I finished this post back when I started it, I would have written about how I was struggling with the decision of whether to keep doing what I'm doing.  I was seriously considering playing it straight, exclusively, from that point forward.  Well, I guess you know what happened to that line of thinking.  Not that I actually resolved anything, except that I resolved to put the question on hold for a time.  To be struggled with on another day.

Porn Rot

I am beginning to think that it is highly likely that porn has rotted my brain.

Since the invention of the world wide web, I have been somewhat addicted to downloading pictures of naked men off the internet. Since I began my blog, I've stepped up my collection process.  I've subscribed to more blogs and tumblrs than I can count.  I browse through them on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis, saving anything that peaks my interest to my google photos account.  The idea is that later, as I am writing posts, I will have a huge selection of photos to choose from. This began a couple of years ago.  Today I have tens of thousand of photos saved.  A few duplicates, yes, but more than I could possible use in a lifetime.  And it's not just naked men, it's groups of naked men.  And they're not just posing for the photo, they are sucking, rimming, 69'ing, fucking, you name it.  Men of all ages, body types, ethnic backgrounds, cultures.  I have entire libraries devoted to jocks, cowboys, bears, muscle-bears, and twinks.  Solos, duos, groups, men blowing, men kissing, men fucking.  And that doesn't even count those that include or are exclusively women. Lately, animated GIFs have completely taken over, so I don't even need to imagine what the scene is the photo is depicting.


So, why do I think porn has rotted my brain?

It used to be that I could enjoy some private time to myself, in bed, with nothing but some lube, something to

I've found that my imagination alone is no longer enough.  I can't hold a fantasy as well as before.  My mind wonders, and it doesn't get me as "hot and bothered".  I've found that I need the photos, or the videos, to really get me going.  I can't even "relive" any of my recent experiences, because they are not vivid enough. My time with slut phase victim #1 or #2 were so hot, I just be walking around with a perpetual boner.
clean up with, and my imagination. I would play out elaborate fantasies in my mind that could get me cumming in as little as a few minutes, or I could stretch them out to last over an hour.  I think my record is just under two hours. You'd think with my recent experiences and my slut phase, I'd have more spank-bank material than ever.

This could be due to my extremely advanced age of 38, I don't know.  I've certainly read in other places the affects of porn on people, but I never gave it much thought before.  Maybe I need to take a break from my constant photo collecting?  Or is this just what it's come to?  Thoughts?

Pride Goes Before The Fall

Pride goes before the fall.  As soon as you think you're untouchable, impenetrable, that's exactly when reality decides to bitch slap you across the face.  It's a thought that I constantly use to remind myself to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground.  That doesn't mean I haven't stumbled.  It only means that I've been lucky enough not to land flat on my face.  Yet.

Men, you know we're pretty stupid most of the time. I realized how stupid I was the other night.  I have been steadily increasing the number of guys that I've hooked up with, that I'm having ongoing conversations with. With one guy in particular, the conversation via text got pretty intense and heavy real quick.  This guy actually provided two opportunities for me to stumble over.

The first was that he turned out to be a bit needy, something which I should have recognized much earlier than I did.  So, as I said, I had been steadily increasing my activities.  This meant increasing the amount of time I turned on apps such as Scruff, Growlr or Grindr, as well as increasing the number of apps that I have installed on my phone.  I had also been increasing the number of conversations via text messages, for which I use a Google voice number, one of many that I own.  To protect myself, these Google voice text messages don't land on my phone, I have to go to a website to check them. This way, if my phone is ever searched, it's clean.  But, that set up is not very conducive to ongoing chats, since I have to remember to check for the messages rather than hearing the notification chime.  So, I decided to let the chats get forwarded to one of my email accounts that I use for work.  I can delete the incoming email immediately, then jump into Google's website to continue the conversation.

Pride goes before the fall.  I know the original proverb is "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall."  The meaning is the same.  I had become complacent, had gone for so long without even coming close to getting caught, that began to take more risks than I realized.  One night I was text-chatting with this guy, say his name is Barry.  I had said good night, as I was about to go to bed. Another message came in after having gone to bed.  My wife didn't see the message itself, but she did see a sender's name just before I swiped away the notification.  It was probably my quick reaction of getting rid of the notification and acting like a couldn't find the message she was asking about that caused the suspicion.  She then asked, "Are you hiding things from me again?", to which I answered, "No", trying to sound as sincere as possible.

I was so freaked out, I woke up in the middle of the night and cleaned my phone.  I removed the extra emails I was receiving from the other account.  But she actually already knows that account exists, so I removed everything out of that account. I deleted all the contacts, text messages, emails, and the most painful, I deleted all the photos that I had received from other guys, and the photos I had taken of myself.

I also deleted all the apps, Grindr, Growlr, Scruff.

My phone is not spotless.  My alternate Google account that contains my other email address and my other Google voice number have been scrubbed clean so that if she ever asked to see them, there would be nothing to see.  (None of these accounts are the one that I use for this blog, which she knows nothing about)

So was the first opportunity that Barry gave me to stumble.  I don't really blame him, but his neediness caused him to text me constantly.  The second opportunity was that when I didn't respond to the texts, he would text even more often.  And when I was sick with the flu, and I didn't respond to his texts all weekend, he flew off the handle.  I should have known, I should have seen the signs.  Luckily for me, I had not yet met this guy in person.  After that weekend, he called me names, called me a flake, said that I was going to hell for what I am doing.  (Honestly, I can't argue that point, except he was find with that before the weekend) Then he said that he would take advantage of any opportunity to expose me.  So, great, now I have someone out there who is angry and vindictive enough to actively try to destroy my life.  Fuck, what did I do.

Despite his rants, I stayed cool and calm.  I apologized, both for the lack of responses, and for that he felt that way.  I explained that obviously we weren't meant to be friends, since my friends are not so willing to give up on a friendship and my friends are much more understanding.  I haven't heard from him since, and it's been weeks.  I probably won't ever hear from him again.

You'd think I've learned my lesson, right?  Hehe, no.  I reloaded my contacts, retaken some of the photos, started the text-to-email function back up (but only when I am not at home).  I haven't loaded the apps back, and I hope that I remain strong enough to keep them off my phone.  I have found other ways to access them that are more discreet and that keep my phone clean.

TMI: "DO THESE JEANS MAKE MY BUTT LOOK FAT?" / "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

I figured, why the hell not. I'll give this a try.

TMI: "DO THESE JEANS MAKE MY BUTT LOOK FAT?" / "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

1. What's the most creative lie you've ever told?
When I was younger I went to summer camp. I was part of the group that went hiking through the mountains, so our group was pretty segregated throughout the week. I came up with this elaborate story about how I had run away from home and jumped on the bus to camp. That my parents had no idea where I was, and that they probably didn't care. I went on to say that my Mom's boyfriend was a dick, and just simply didn't want to be around him any more.

2. What lie do you wish you could take back?
That one, I looked pretty stupid when we go back to the main campground later and the week, and my little sister said hi as she walked by.

3. How long could you go without lying? Even a white lie.
Depends on whether you include the lie-of-omission. If yes, not very long. Lying sucks, and I do my best to avoid it at all costs. Even in my extra-curricular activities, I arrange things in a way so that the question never gets asked. So that I don't have to explain where I was, or what I was doing. Outside of my extra-curricular activities, when the truth hurts and I don't have to say it, I don't. But when I have to say it, it's better to say the truth than to lie.

4. Are you more honest when you comment anonymously?
Depends on what I am commenting about. My blog is anonymous, and I am more honest about that aspect of my life. But I would rarely make any anonymous comments on other things that I wouldn't be willing to put my name on.

5. Does the truth hurt?
Yes, the truth can hurt. It can also be liberating. In almost all situations, the truth is better than the lie.

6. What was the worst thing that happened to you because of a lie?

I lost my High School girl friend because of a lie that she told herself.

7. Who do you lie to the most - yourself or others?
For most of my life, myself. These days I would say that I am more honest with myself than others.

8. Is there a difference between a secret and a lie?
Yes, because that's the lie I tell myself.

9. Truth or Dare?
Dare

10. Does the mirror never lie?
The mirror lies all the time! I know what I see in the mirror is way worse than what others see.

11. Does the mirror have two faces?
The mirror has many faces, all reflective of context and attitude.

12. How old are you?
Today I am 37.

13. How much do you weigh?
315lbs.


BONUS
Is it really that big? Are you really vers? Just how old is that pic?
It's not really THAT big, but I never proclaimed it to be. I'm am vers in that I am still open to figure out what I truly enjoy. Sadly, I am not brave enough to post any pics of myself on my blog. The pic I use on hookup apps is 2 or 3 years old.

Married / Once-married

Despite my lack of respect to the blogging community with my complete lack of posts since last August, my blog still manages to get visitors.  Even more so in the last few weeks. I may have been silent, but I am always present.  Reading other blogs and pouring through hundreds of photos is always easier than writing a post of my own.  I have written a few posts in the last couple of months, but have failed to complete one, or even write enough that I felt it worthy of posting.  As always, I am honored to be a part of this community.

I did something last night that kind of surprised me.  No, it wasn't a random hookup, though I've been thinking about doing that again more and more.  I came across an ad, or an article, I can't remember which, that talked about a men's support group for married and once-married men, who are attracted to men.  I was intrigued. This was a couple of weeks ago, and I was thinking about going.  It just so happens that I had a work event in that same city last night, which ended just before this group was the meet.  I had a perfectly good opportunity, being that I was already going to be out for the evening so I wouldn't have to make up a story.  I still wasn't sure what I would do, until I was driving away from the previous event.

For those of you who read about my first encounter and what lead up to it, you know how much of a nervous wreck I can be.  I thought I would react the same way going to this group.  But it wasn't at all that bad.  I felt relatively comfortable parking, walking up and into the building, asking for directions to the right room, walking in and sitting down.

I really enjoyed the group.  I sat and listened for two hours as 10-12 guys told a little bit of there story, ranging from divorced and fully out to their friends and family, to, like me, married and hiding.  A variety of ages, nationalities, cultures.  All with one thing in common, they all are or were married to women and they all identify as gay or bi.  And, interestingly, all of them had children.  They were very warm and welcoming, and I felt no pressure to say anything.

I would like to go back.  The group in itself is perfectly harmless.  I could, if I wanted to, tell my wife about the group and "ask permission" to attend each week.  As many of you know, my wife is aware of my various sexual attractions. I believe that should would support me in having a place to talk about all of this.  But I don't know if I am going to do that.  I certainly could not come up with a plausible excuse to go every week. Maybe once of month or so.  I do want to continue to attend, they were a great group of guys and I could certainly use the support and advice of those who have been, or are, in my situation.

Over the last couple of months, I guess for all of 2013, I have been vacillating on whether I would continue my extra curricular activities or would I play it straight from now on.  I have tried to be as honest with myself as I could.  I know full well that these feelings are not gonna just go away.  If I decided to abstain, eventually the urges would overcome my better senses.  At the same time, my extra curricular activities are just that, extra.  They have very little impact on my life as a whole, with the exception of putting my life as it is at risk. There are days where I become convinced that I do not need men anymore.  That I have set out to do what I needed to do, and now that I've had the experience my life can go back to normal. Then there are days where I am cruising Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, Squirt and Craiglist; simultaneously.  On those days, it's a wonder what has kept me from stepping out.  Probably a lack of real opportunity.

That's my update for now.  I sincerely hope that everyone had a great New Year's and here's to a brand new year, 2014.

As I wrote this, I realized that of all the people and groups I interacted with in my life, this group has the greatest likelihood to have read my blog.  If they read this now, they will obviously figure out who I am and what I am talking about.  Hmm... awkward.  Well, I guess it could save me a whole lot of talking in the next group.  ;)

Free? Or, Lost?

Anonymous writes, "But even the most carefully maintained secrets have a way of coming out especially in this digital age. Have you really examined what you'd do if they did? Would you be free to be who you truly are or would you have lost something that can't easily be replaced?"

I really wanted to get mad that Anonymous couldn't leave a name.  But, wait, then I remembered.  I am anonymous too.  I guess I deserve that.  The part of the question that stuck out for me was not the part about getting caught, it was the part that asked, once caught, would I be freed or would I have lost.  That is an interesting question, one that has rattled around in my head for a long time.

In the end, it really comes back to what I want, or what I think I want.  The problem is that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  Who the hell really knows what they want?

"Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s."-Baz Luhrman "Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen" 

The other night, my wife and I were having dinner out at a restaurant.  For some reason we starting talking about the past, and the people we used to know.  An old friend of mine came up, someone that my wife sort of knew through someone else.  I asked if she knew that the guy turned out to be gay, which she didn't.  The realization washed over her face, followed by the "that-explains-so-much" face.  Then her face went slack, and she was lost in thought.  I asked her what was on her mind, and she softly, "That would be you if I hadn't dug my nails in to you."

Her fear is that I am really gay, just pretending to be happy in our marriage.  To be honest, I have had that

same fear many times.  I've spoken about the pendulum, that at times it swing way over to the gay side of the spectrum, and at others it is on the straight side. On this blog, I am reaffirmed by bisexuality time and time again, stating that I love my wife and wouldn't have it any other way.  Again, to be honest, that is not always the case.

I have thought, fantasized, many times about what life might have been like had I fallen in love with a man rather than a women.  Would I be happier?  Would I need to cheat on my man with a women?  I don't know.  The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  Then my wife asked, "That would be you if I hadn't dug my nails in to you?", and suddenly I imagine a possible life without her, a life alone.

My wife has always been the more aggressive of the two of us.  She knew what she wanted, and she did whatever she had to do to get it.  I had a vague idea of what I wanted, and was content to let things just happen as they did.  Put the two of us together, and the result is that she gets what she wants.  Fortunately, she wanted me.  So what would have happened if she hadn't wanted me?  Well, I could still be living with my roommates, a dysfunctional pair of women with no real life plans.  I could still be working at a fast food restaurant.  Chances are, I would be alone.  Not because I am not attractive or because I am not the funnest guy to hangout with, but because I was not in the habit of chasing after what I wanted.  Hell, just look how long it took to finally go after some sexual contact with a man.  The reality is that my wife is responsible for most of the happiness in my life.  The possible scenario of living alone and unwanted never really entered my mind until that moment.

Jack Scott recently wrote about the options a bisexual or married gay man have.  Clearly, there are lot of nobler guys than I.  I don't know if I will continue to seek out extra-marital affairs.  I don't know if I will work to include my wife more in that side of myself.  I just don't know.  But to answer the one question that I started out with in this post, were I caught, would I be freed? Or would I have lost?

The answer is, yes.

A Little Dose of Reality

Okay, let's be honest.  I have shied away from talking about the issues of fidelity and the consequences of my actions on this blog.  I have never made excuses for my actions, but I have defended them by saying that I was choosing a course of action that did the greatest good for all involved.  I stand by those words.

However...

Someone close to me, a friend whom I've known almost all my life, just came out of a situation that hit a little close to home.  She recently made the brave decision to follow her heart and get involved with someone whom she barely knew.  Turns out, that was a bad call.  The guy was not what he proclaimed himself to be, was not the person she thought he was.  He lied about other relationships, continued with other relationships while still dating her.  He even went as far as sexting one of his "friends" while in the same room with my friend. When she discovered all of this, she continued to follow her heart, and threw him out.

Their relationship seemed destined. They had so many things in common and seemed to compliment each other in all the right ways. She fell fast, and she fell hard. So much so that they were in the process of moving in together. When he fucked up, he screwed up his situation badly, because now he and his dog are literally homeless. All of this has created a drama that my wife and I have been unable to escape.

I am not saying that I have anything in common with this guy. Yes, there are obvious similarities in our situations and decisions, I won't deny that.  However, aside from a interest in sci-fi, we share nothing else in common.  He actually thought that flaunting these other women, even while lying about them, would generate a jealous reaction out of my friend that would cause her to fawn all over him. She wasn't having it.

The experience has opened my eyes a bit. It's interesting that all of this occurred after my last post where I was already questioning what I wanted for the future. I'm not saying that I have learned the error of my ways or anything, because let's all be honest. The urges that I've acted on will return with a vengeance and I was unsuccessful in ignoring them in the first place. All of this has given me new perspective, more to think about. It didn't help to hear all the talk from my wife about what she would do to a cheater!

What I Really Want

So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.

Full confession, I think I always have a song running in my head.  I fraking love music.  I wish I had an ounce of musical talent, but I don't.  I imagine I can sing, and reality does very little to stop me.  As I was typing the title to this post, a Spice Girls song popped into my head.  I couldn't resist, I should say sorry for possibly getting it stuck in your head. 

I digress.

I've thought a little bit about what I really want out of life.  Specifically, in my adventures on the other side of the line.  M2M action had been absent since my regular fuck buddy went out and found a boyfriend.  But that's okay, I wish him the best.  But what do I want?  Do I want to venture out again? I've crossed the line, I know what's on the other side.  The urge to go and explore is there, but not like it was before my first time. Maybe I want to call it quits for a while and focus on more honorable notions.

I have no answers, just wanted to rant for a bit.

Hints

I went to a customer's home today.  I had to stop by to take care of a couple of issues with some product we sold to him.  I called him ahead of time, to confirm a time.  He told me anytime was fine, he was retired, and he'd be home all day.  On the drive over, which took a little under an hour, I started thinking.  What if this guy is hot?  What if this guy is like me, likes to have some fun now and then.  I knew nothing at all about him, except that he was retired.  So that put him as older, but that wasn't saying much.  In my area of the country, I know a few guys less than 10 years older than me who are retired.  But I had absolutely no idea what he looked like, what he was like, what he was into.  And I was started to get a bit horny at just the possibility of something happening at this guys home.  Typically the customers that I visit in the middle of the day are women, and my mind just doesn't go there.

As I mentioned, the drive takes a little while.  It is a nice warm and sunny day, and I'm driving through this nice neighborhood with the windows down.  I'm letting my mind wander a bit about the possibilities.

I get there, turns out that it is a ways further than I thought up a winding road.  His house is pretty secluded, surrounded by trees and hills.  I'm thinking, "Damn!, what I would't give to live here".  I grab what I needed out of my car and walk up to the front door.  After a brief moment, he answers the door.  He is a much older man, white hair and beard, shorter, and with a big belly.  He could have easily played Santa Claus, not the hot guy in my short lived fantasy.  But you know what?  I was still horny, and I couldn't stop thinking about it the entire time I was there.  He was barefoot, and because I am all about customer service, I took off my shoes as well.  He took me around his house, showing me the issues that he needed help with.  He mentioned his wife, but she obviously was not home.  It wasn't long before I noticed the smell of weed on him, and I knew that he'd lit up less then a few minutes before I got there.

Nothing happened.  But as he took me around his house I kept thinking that with even the slightest hint, I'd
have no problem going down on him.  He was a nice guy, very personable.  He apologized for not being dressed nicer. He was in shorts and a button-up shirt.  I think I said something like on a day like today, I'd be wearing less.  The entire time I was there, I couldn't stop thinking about the possibilities of sucking his cock, or having him suck mine.  Then I started thinking about how I wouldn't be able to recognize the hints even if they were there.  I am so shy awkward, I certainly didn't know how to drop any hints myself.

I took care of the issues I could, made a promise to send others to take care of the rest.  I left with the urge to jump onto Squirt or Grindr or something to see what trouble I could get into before I went back to the office.  In the end, I just got something to eat and continued on my boring day.

What would you have done?  Forget that the guy may or may not have been your type, what would you have done if you were standing in the home of a guy that you wanted sex with?  What signs would you have looked for?  What hints would you have dropped?

Persona

Every morning, I put it on.  I walk outside, and I am gone. And I don’t seem to mind anymore.  I can’t think what it was like before I wore it all the time

In the evening, I take it off.  But there’s another one underneath, and I can’t seem to find the bottom of the stack.  I might just lose my mind and never get it back, but at least I’ll get inside

There’s a feeling that I get sometimes, it’s so small that it’s easy to hide. It’s like a howling voice from a distant past.  It seems I’ve got no choice when it comes to this.  It’s building up inside

-Written by JIMMY VAN HEUSEN, JOHNNY BURKE

-Performed by BLUE MAN GROUP, ft. DAVE MATTHEWS

I've Been Busy

No, I know, I haven't posted a whole hell of a lot this year.  I didn't post a lot last year either.  The excuse I tell myself is that I've been busy.  It has been a crazy 20 months, a lot has been going on.  I've gone from hating my job and being bored, to unemployed and being stressed, to a new job I'm not exactly qualified for and being stressed for completely different reasons.  Meanwhile, my family grew, we lost our home, and we've moved to a different city.  Yeah, a lot has been going on.  So that's why I haven't blogged a whole lot. Okay?  Well, maybe that's not exactly right.

The new job is stressful.  I have taken on responsibilities that not only are new and different than what I am used to, but are not exactly a match for my personality and behavior.  You see, I am not an aggressive person.  I am not a dominant person.  On a DISC analysis, I would rank as a "High S".  S is for steadiness. High S's are known for being patient, predictable, consistent, deliberate, steady and stable.  My second descriptor would be I, I is for Influencing.  Main characteristics for my "I" are trusting and sociable.  Basically, I like to serve, I like to be helpful, and I am trusting.  I actually like these things about me.  But, my new job is in sales.  Worse than that, my new job is in managing sales reps.  Characteristics that are helpful for people in my line of work are demanding, driving, ambitious, determined, aggressive, competitive and venturesome.  These are characteristics of a High D, D is for Dominance.  Characteristics that describe my dominance are conservative, calculating, hesitant and low-keyed.  Can you see where I might have a problem?

I am an intelligent person.  Perhaps, without sounding condescending, I possess slightly higher than average levels of intelligence.  With such, I am convinced that I can be successful in any role that I decide to take on. If that requires adopting characteristics that were outside my comfort zone, so be it.  I am still as convinced of this today as I was 8 months ago when I took this job.  What I did not account for, and this is what is really starting to bother me, is the effect taking this job would have on my mental state.  Everyday, as I slowly realize that success in this job are going to take longer and more work than I anticipated, I get slightly more depressed.  Everyday I start to consider a little bit more the idea of throwing in the towel and doing something else.  I know that I can be successful.  But given all the other challenges that I am currently enduring, do I still really want to be?  Failure, even the idea of failure, is contributing to my depression.

I thought things would be different at this point in my life, in my marriage.  Given more than 10 years of marriage, and almost another decade of courtship prior to that, my wife and I should be able to endure anything that comes our way with ease.  Right?  Why, then, is it so difficult to have a simple conversation about budgeting our money?  Why, then, can't I tell her that I do not agree with her reactions to things that our dog does, or to the things that our son does?  Why is communication so fraking difficult?  I want so much for my family.  I do not want to live where we are living longer than we need to.  I do not want to continue living from check to check, worrying about how we are going to pay the rent.  I want to provide everything the world has to offer for my son.  I want my family to be comfortable, where our only worry is how we can best help our neighbors, friends and family.  Why can't I express any this with any eloquence to my wife?

A midst all of this, there is still my secret.  My bisexuality is not a secret from my wife, but my willingness to act on it is, my history of acting on it is as well.  All of our struggles have pushed this part of me to the back burner, but it hasn't turned off the flame.  The reality is that I am too busy and too stressed and too depressed to do anything about it. I went down this road, crossed this line, with the idea that one day I would be able to live this part of my life, too, out in the open.  Maybe not to the general public, but to those I care about the most.  To my wife.  We were supposed to be on a path to a healthier relationship.  We're not, and I am not sure what I can do about it.  Certainly, I must bridge this communication gap.  How exactly do I do that?  The realization that my ideal state is that much further away, perhaps completely out of my grasp, is contributing to my depression.

I write this post today not to explain my lack of blogging.  In the end, I write for me.  One thing that I have learned in life is that writing gives me clarity.  Sometimes, it even gives me therapy.  I am not asking for answers, although I have found many in this community and for that I will always be grateful.  I am not asking for anything.  I am only using this space to bare a piece of me that needed to be bared.

A Little Crush

I think I might have a problem.  I think I might have a crush, at least a small one, on a guy I work with.  I've been thinking about him more and more.  Technically, I am his boss.  In my capacity as his boss, I have spent some days over the last few weeks riding with him from appointment to appointment.  He works in the field, all my colleagues work in the field.

So, this colleague has not been doing particularly well lately.  His job performance has been sub-par, which has drawn a lot of scrutiny because he used to be one of the top performers.  He also has a who host of personal issues going on at the same time.  In my ride-alongs, I have taken the time to coach and to really get at the heart of what is wrong.  I've had to be more aggressive, more forceful, when explaining what I need from him.  I've learned that this guy and I share a lot of the same personality characteristics.  We are both more subservient than we are dominant.  (I know, I'm the manager and I am subservient.  It makes for interesting challenges for me)  I don't particularly like the use of "sub" before servient, but my spell check insists.  But I digress.  An interesting aspect of my personality type is that when I am around someone who is more dominant, I become more subservient.  And I've learned that this guy is definitely the same way; the more dominant I am, the more subservient he becomes.  (Yes, I have learned how to be dominant when I need to.)

Lately, in my conversations with him, I have been overcome with the urge to grab his neck and draw him into a kiss.  Or, I would fantasize about grabbing his package.  A couple of the conversations have taken place outside next to his car or mine, since that is where he likes to go to smoke.  And I admit, I have smoked with him, even though I quit a very long time ago.  Fantasizing about a guy standing right in front of me is somewhat unnerving, it is not something that I am used to.  I guess, I just haven't been lucky to work with overly-attractive guys.  Oh yeah, this guy is pretty good looking.  He is tall, dark hair and blue eyes.  Well built, he obviously takes good care of his body.  He is a little bit older than me by a few years.  Oh, and I should also mention that he is gay.  He is gay and has been married to his husband for more than a decade.

I think I wrote about the first time I almost "lost control" in a blog post for BLM.  (Maybe I should copy those posts here?  Since BLM is no longer blogging.)  Like I mentioned then, the feeling of almost losing control in that way is not something that I have experienced a lot of.  On at least three separate occasions, I have fantasized about doing something completely inappropriate with this guy while I was deep in conversation with him.  The fantasies are so really, I actually see myself reaching out to him.  I can feel his lips pressing onto mine, his hands on my back.  The experience is scary, one slip up and I risk not only exposing myself to him, but to everyone at my company.  One slip up, and I risk exposing everything to everyone.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the fantasy, and the thrill.  When I realized that I was thinking about him when he wasn't standing right in front of me is when I started to worry about a bigger problem.  I cannot act on any sort of crush on him.  I am his boss, he knows my wife, everyone knows that he is gay.  Everything I do must be completely above board.

Maybe I am only feeling this way because it has been awhile since I have had any kind of contact with a guy.  But, work crushes aside, I really have not given much though to it.  I
haven't written any blog posts, had any contact with M, signed into Grindr or Craigslist.  I have even struggled keeping up with the other blogs that I follow.  If it weren't for this guy, I'd tell you the pendulum is swinging the other way for now.

What's the title of this post?

I've enjoyed reliving my experiences of the last [almost] two years, of crossing the line.  Writing for Bi Like Me was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed reaching a new audience.  My first thought when I learned that BLM was moving on was that I'd just post my normal Friday post on my own blog.  I know, novel idea right?  Thing is, it feels a little odd rewriting experiences here that I have already written about.  Take that away, and considering my current dry spell, what the hell do I write about?

I could get into fiction.  I love writing x-rated stories.  Only problem is that I have to be in the mood, and not having regular trysts is not doing much for my libido. I'd post what I've already written, but that's too risky.  You see, my wife has read those.  It would be too much to explain if she ever came across them on this blog.  So I need new stories, and new inspiration.

I could write about other things important in my life.  Certainly there are more things interesting going on than just sex, right?  Yeah, maybe I'll turn this space into a political action blog.  Maybe I'll start writing about the trials and tribulations of the family dog.  Maybe. 

I started this blog as a way to express a part of my life that I couldn't express to anyone in my life, as all of you who have been a part of this from the beginning, and those who have read my recent posts on BLM, already know.  I have other modes of expression for the other parts of my life.  Odd thing is, those other modes, I've actually neglected them more so than this blog.  Maybe it's time to bring it all together, but anonymously.  I'm sure that this is not my first post where I lamented on what to post, but there it is.  Maybe this is my way of dealing with writer's block.

The hardest part about writing a post is figuring out what the hell to put as the title, go figure.  At least I always include some pics of hot and hunky men.  There will always be that. :)

Happy New Year!

I'm not one to make New Year's resolutions.  I'm a realist, and for me resolutions are short lived.  It takes a certain amount of dedication and resolve to make lasting changes.  I'm not saying that I am incapable of change, I just have to go about it differently.

Jack Scott recently wrote about the increasing pace of time, and the importance of taking the time to notice the small things. Time does seem to speed up as I get older.  Can you believe that it is actually 2013?!  I remember looking at my calendar when I was in third grade, figuring out that I was going to graduate High School in 1994, and thinking that was several lifetimes away!  I used to get angry at the ever increasing pace of time, angry that I wasn't afforded the time to enjoy life the way I wanted.  But I realized something recently, that it's my own fault.

David Allen says that "If you're appropriately engaged w/your life, you don't need more time. If you're not, more time won't help."  The fact is that I spend more time watching a show on T.V. then I do on that project I've been trying to finish for years now.  It's not time's fault I haven't finished the project, it's mine.  If you're appropriately engaged with your life, you don't need more time.  Spend the time figuring out what you want, figuring out how to get what you want, and actually doing that. That's the key to living a fulfilled life.  That's how to avoid regrets in the later years of life.

Is that what I do?  Lets just say that my life is a constant work in progress.  That might be why on this particular New Year's Day, I am spending a little more time than normal thinking about the changes I want to make.  My life has gone through a surprising amount of changes over the last year (or so); new job, new home, new addition to my family.  Most of these changes were for the better, all of these changes have taught me that I need to grab life by the balls.  No more excuses, only action!

Happy New Years everyone!  I hope 2013 proves to be a great year for all of you as much as I am determined to make it for me.

Eccentricities

I often am caught off guard by the eccentricity of my blog subscriptions. I subscribe to a fair number of NSFW gay porn blogs or tumblr sites. I will take advantage of every spare moment I get alone by quickly flicking through various posts.  Most of these are just a simple, but arousing, photo.  Many just pass by, but I mark the few that really stand out so that I can save them. They may end up in a post of my own. Or I may never look at it again.

Lately I've seen a big jump in the number of animated GIFs of some porn scene.  These are fun to look at, but I rarely save them for later.

Although I am a closeted bisexual man, I do not hide my support for equal rights issues.  I have volunteered at a local NOH8 photo shoot.  I will proclaim loudly my support for marriage equality, It Get's Better, and various other causes.

So, here's the eccentric part.  I have two blogger accounts, this one and another that I would actually admit to owning.  I spend most of my time in this one.  As a matter of convenience, I subscribe to a number of blogs that are not your average porn site.  These are the more uplifting, let's-make-the-world-a-better-place type sites. This is how I get my news on all things socially-conscious related, who's out of the closet, who's supporting gay rights, who's not.  I get to see things that really move me, like this video for "Same Love" from Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.  These things, which make me feel proud of what I belief and the little part I play in the world, end up landing right smack in the middle of a picture of a hot guy naked on a beach, and another of two or three hot guys fucking.

At it's most eccentric, and hypocritical, I will read a story about someone's struggle with coming out as gay, their issues with body image, and how they rose above it all, right after viewing a string a pictures of tanned muscled guys (probably airbrushed) that literally make me drool. Is there something wrong with this?

First Blog Anniversary

I wasn't even paying attention and my first blog anniversary passed me by.  Guess it's what I get for not giving enough to this as of late.  I can't believe that more than a year has passed by since my first post.  I can't believe that a year and two months ago, I had yet to experience sex with a man.  A year ago July, I had yet to "cross the line".  A year ago July, all I could think about was getting a dick into my mouth for the first time, getting my dick into another guy's mouth for the first time.  It occupied almost every moment of every day. It's crazy how things can change, and how much they stay the same.

I'd be lying if I said that I no longer thought about it.  You all know the truth.  The drive to find a guy willing to have sex with me has dwindled abit.  But the amount of time I spending thinking about sex with men? Not so much.  My collection of pics and porn continues to grow.  As things in my life begin to normalize, slightly, I even start thinking about writing again.

I am no where closer to figuring out how all of this fits into my everyday life, or if it ever will.  Ideally, I'd like to not have to sneak around in order to get my fix.  Ideally, I'd fine that one friend (with benefits) that I wouldn't have to hide.  Who knows?  Not me.

In my last post I wrote about how men are slaves to their own biological, or chemical, sexual need.  Coincidentally, I am taking a psychology class that, so far, has confirmed my earlier claims.  I feel that need building in myself again.  Intellectually, I realize that by focusing on satisfying a sexual need gives me a way of procrastinating on every other aspect of my life that needs to be sorted out.  But that's just intellectually, and I don't really care.  I suspect that I will have a new experience to write about in the near future.  And I am curious to find out with whom...

Chemistry

Sex is the biggest clue that we are all really driven by chemistry.  It does not matter what you believe, if you believe in a higher power, in a higher purpose, or in a soul.  There is absolutely no denying how much of our actions and how much of our personality comes down to chemistry.  Whatever we are, we are inextricably tied to our bodies.

Maybe the effect is more powerful for men.  Not being a woman, I can't really speak for them.  What I know is this.  Once I have sex on my mind, I can't shake it.  More specifically, once I start to think about meeting a guy for the purposes of sex, I cannot stop thinking about it.  I start to reach out to guys.  I start to plan.  I start to figure out how I am going to cover my tracks.  More often than not, in my limited experience, opportunity and timing seem to fall into place easily.  Sometimes it takes no time at all.  Sometimes it takes days.  Inevitably, I get what I want. I am fortunate that lately months will pass in between these occurrences.

It's when the "date" is over that I realize how much of a slave to chemistry I really am.  The last time, which is only one of two since the last time I blogged, I planned for 5 days.  It took 5 days to make contact with an old acquaintance, to set a day and time, and to finally meet.  The meeting itself only lasted 45 minutes.  When I was walking away, back to my car, I found myself wondering why it was so important to me. I honestly can't think of why I so badly needed to make this happen.  What drove me to go out of my way, way out of my way, to meet someone for only a few moments.

Chemistry is the only explanation. The fact that I was suffering from a particular type of desire that I could not fulfill any other way.  Once that desire was satiated, I no longer had those feelings.  In the beginning of my journey, I was reacting to decades of building desire.  I guess I should count myself lucky that it only took a few secret meetings with 3 separate men to have those desires quelled.  Well, at least temporarily quelled.  And, for a time, I felt fulfilled with just the one life I had at home.  But, unfortunately, chemistry kicks in and those desires again begin to build.  They build until ultimately I feel the need to act on them.  Once my "big head" is control again, I realize the futility of it all.  If only my "big head" could stay in control all the time.

The desire I felt walking away from that last encounter was the to share this thought with all of you.  I do not know if I have explained it well, this thought.  This is the first real desire to write in months.  I miss interacting with this community, and I miss chatting with the friends I have made by blogging.  I life is in the middle of major changes, which I won't bore you with.  All I can say is hopefully this re-discovered desire to blog lasts.

Something to Talk About

People always tell me, one person in particular, that I should write about whatever, not just about sex.  To be honest, this is something that I've struggled with.  I haven't had any man on man sex lately, so I haven't written a lot for this blog.  I started this blog with one intention, my journal of my ventures crossing the line into sex with men.

Sure, I've got a lot to say.  I'm actually one of those opinionated, know-it-all types, but in a good way.  LOL.  Writing about something other than sex with men, or my thoughts on sex with men, or my looking for sex with men, (what was I going to say?  oh yeah) would change the purpose and tone of my blog.  Obviously it's my blog, and I can do what I want with it.  I just haven't been able to decide if I want it to change.

I could write about politics.  Because, you know, there aren't enough people out there writing about politics.  I know that you all want to hear my liberal, free thinking point of view.  I could write about my causes.  Despite being a mostly closeted, married, bisexual, I am also an avid supporter of the NOH8 campaign.  I've volunteered at a photo shoot in the past, and my own NOH8 photo was plastered all over my Facebook wall.  I could write about religion.  I am not particularly religious, and I don't belong to any denomination.  My thoughts on religion and the universe tend to a bit out there, and I generally look to theories in science for evidence more than I do faith.

I won't write about my family, any more than to say that I have one.  This being a secret blog, I know that giving away details about my wife and family on the Internet would be yet another huge betrayal.  Which means, also, that I won't write about the other half of being bisexual, sex with women, in any detail.  Since my experiences with sex with women are limited to sex with my wife.

I am actually quite proud of this blog, and quite fond of it's readers.  On many occasions I've wanted to share my little bit of success here with the one person whom I share everything, my wife.  I can't, obviously.  And I think that if I started blogging about something other than sex with men, I will have more of an urge to share it with her.  What if this blog turns into a place where I share my thought on life, the universe (or multi-verse) and everything, and it becomes wildly popular.  I'd never get to share it, unless I deleted all my posts up to now and hired a contract killer to take care of my regular readers.  That doesn't seem very reasonable, you think?

I read a great many blogs.  When I come across one where a blogger bears her/her soul, I always feel honored for being allowed to read it.  I bear my soul, just on this one subject only.  Maybe I will start writing about more, I don't know.  Maybe I will just keep complaining about not having a lot to write about, because I know you'll love that.  Maybe I will just go out and find another guy to suck my dick so that we can get back to what's really important!

:)